Sucka' Punchline 2008-02-19

Mariah redefines genius

If you somehow doubted the genius of the songstress responsible for such albums as "Butterfly," "Glitter" and "Rainbow," Mariah Carey is back to remind you that she's not just another diva with a five-octave vocal range and 17 number one hits -- she's also kind of clever. Carey has parodied Einstein's most famous theorem in the title of her highly anticipated new album "E = MC2," which is slated to begin its inevitable reign at the top of the charts on April 15, 2008. "Touch my Body," the recently released first single from the album, is crack-cocaine for the ears. Imagine yourself in Mariah Carey's stilettos.

Big Brother Day

Constant and complete surveillance is no longer material for a good science-fiction read or a paranoid joke: last Tuesday, Big Brother arrived. An FBI announcement and separate Senate vote -- both of which were buried in the news cycle behind primary coverage and Roger Clemens's testimony on steroids -- quietly made February 12, 2008 an infamous day in the history of this country.

Grow Up, Conservapedia

I would imagine that by now most Dartmouth students have some experience using Wikipedia. Even some of my professors have used it on occasion.

Toe to Toe: Hodes versus Schmidley (Hodes)

A recent rash of trades is likely to produce the familiar: By the end of the season, there is a good chance that either Kobe Bryant or Shaquille O'Neal will hoist the Larry O'Brien Trophy.

Toe to Toe: Hodes versus Schmidley (Schmidley)

Shaquille O'Neal is now a Sun, and Pao Gasol is now a Laker. As we all know, this year's Western Conference Playoffs are merely an audition to square off against a (presumably healthy) Celtics team in the NBA Finals.

Women's hockey wins, ties to keep pace for first-round bye

The Big Green women's hockey team fared well over the weekend, earning a solid 6-0 victory over Quinnipiac and a come-frombehind 2-2 tie against rival Princeton. Dar tmouth (14-7-6, 11-5-3 ECAC) came out strong Friday against the Bobcats (5-21-4, 11-5-3 ECAC) and simply never let up, netting five goals in a single period during the win. While the first quar ter was a defensive battle during which neither team scored, Dartmouth found its rhythm early into the second period.

Men's and women's tennis start seasons with mixed results

While the Dartmouth women's tennis team did not lose a single match against Boston University and Quinnipiac, the men's team had two close losses, each by the score of 4-3, to Marquette and No.

Men's squash blanked by Princeton, Penn at Nationals

The Dartmouth men's squash team (13-5, 2-4 Ivy) had a disappointing weekend at the CSA Championships in Cambridge, Mass., losing to Ivy rivals Penn and Princeton, both by scores of 9-0. The Big Green entered the CSA Championships at the No. 7 position in the Potter Division, which is made up of the top eight teams in the nation. Dar tmouth star ted of f the weekend on Friday, playing No. 2 Princeton in the quarter-final round of the tournament.

Rush the field and peg the goalie! From Homecoming football to the Princeton hockey game, Dartmouth sports are surrounded by tradition

A crazy freshman rushing the field carried by the cheers of the audience, ice blanketed with tennis balls and dead fi sh during hockey games, ancient rivalries and years of sport history are what describes the Ivy League.

Daily Debriefing

A gunman identified as Steve Kazmierczak killed five and wounded 16 before turning the gun on himself during a geology lecture at Northern Illinois University last Thursday.

Eight volunteer trips set for spring break

Philanthropic students eager to give back to communities across America this spring break are selling grilled cheese sandwiches on Webster Ave., running bake sales in Novack Cafe and continuing to brainstorm fundraising events. Eight service-oriented spring break trips will depart this year, to New Orleans; Biloxi, Mississippi; Caretta, West Virginia; the Lakota Nation at the Cheyenne River Sioux tribe in South Dakota; Washington, D.C.

Huntington's cure may lie in protein

The neurotrophic protein could be the key to finding a cure for Huntington's disease, Dr. Moses V.

College delays Board expansion

Dartmouth's Board of Trustees has indefinitely postponed its decision to add eight new charter members, according to a Feb.

ACTAing Up

To the Editor: It is hardly news that the American Council of Trustees and Alumni (ACTA) issued a statement critical of the Trustees' unilateral abrogation of the 1891 agreement in September ("Conservative Group Backs Alumni Suit," Feb.

There's No Place Like Home

Lately I've been preoccupied with this whole rest-of-the-world business. One of the more lamentable side effects of being a senior here is that soon I'll have to graduate and either find a job or a rich wife who's willing to support me.

Glass Ceiling, Glass Floor

In one of the more poignant scenes in the hit "Knocked Up" (2007), Paul Rudd's character Pete, after having been caught ditching his wife to hang out with his male buddies, laments, "With work and you and the kids, sometimes I just need some time to myself." Choking back tears, his wife Debbie replies, "I want time for myself too.