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7 Moms to Thank on Mother’s Day

(05/14/17 1:05pm)

Mother's Day. According to Wikipedia, it's "a celebration honoring the mother of the family, as well as motherhood, maternal bonds, and the influence of mothers in society." For those of us who don't have moms in Hanover to celebrate, think again. The maternal energy here is palpable, and there's never been a better time to acknowledge the alternative types moms of Dartmouth:


7 Times You Realized Dartmouth Turned You Degenerate

(05/12/17 4:07pm)

Ahhhh, college. Give a rouse for a liberal arts education and wholesome experiences that have the power to shape you as a person! However, have you ever wondered just how much these experiences have changed how you see the world? Fear not, for I can assure you that Dartmouth experiences have definitely changed you for the better. 


Quiz: Which SICK Pad Will You Land From Room Draw?

(05/12/17 1:27pm)

With the new housing communities much of the excitement and mystery of room draw has been eliminated. Nowadays everyone in Allen House knows they’re on Gold Coast, but what if spiritually you’re more Topliff than Streeter? Take this quiz to find out what housing assignment you should really have, but remember it’s all theoretical because here at Dartbeat we’re all about #MDF.


If 20th Century Icons had Juuls

(05/10/17 2:26am)

If you’re a Dartmouth student, you’ve likely seen Juuls, the e-cigarettes that offer an alternative to smoking. Now, I don’t have a strong opinion on vaping as a whole, but I applaud anything that encourages people to quit using tobacco products. That said, cigarettes are pretty ingrained in our culture — just look at the number of iconic movie characters known for smoking. So, what with our current culture of alternative facts (and alternative social spaces), I decided to reimagine classic movie and television scenes. What if your favorite characters had Juuls?



Alternative Tour Guide Script

(05/08/17 5:24pm)

As the prospies swarmed our campus last month, I wondered if they actually were getting anything meaningful from these tours that continued to block my path through Baker-Berry Library. While hustling out of the grim Novack Café scene one day, I #overheard "This is Novack, the inspirational and collaborative hub on campus," and I almost spit out my beyond bland coffee and choked on my over-priced fruit snacks. That statement was almost as accurate as Dick’s House telling a friend she was pregnant because she came in looking for cough drops. So, for all those prospies looking for a ~real~ tour of Dartmouth, here you go:


A Guide to Surviving First-Year Family Weekend Without Your Family

(05/07/17 3:34pm)

Yikes! You looked at your iCal on Friday to check out the fun and exciting events offered this weekend by the College to try and distract yourself from the Frats™, and you were hit by two realizations: (1) it’s First-Year Family Weekend here at Dartmouth, and (2) your family is definitely not going to be here. Maybe they’re busy, maybe they just can’t get to our convenient location in the middle of the woods or maybe you just “forgot” to tell them about it — whatever the excuse is, it doesn’t really matter. All you know is that soon there will be hundreds of moms, dads, siblings, guardians, grandparents and potentially-your-aunt-because-that’s-what-you-call-her-but-you-don’t-actually-think-you’re-related running around campus, eager to experience the wholesome and pure lives their lil’ babies have created for themselves at college. But what will you possibly do this weekend sans family? Never fear, children, for I shall walk you through your potential options:


6 Types of Parents You'll Meet at First-Year Family Weekend

(05/07/17 2:38pm)

Admittedly, I have yet to experience the disaster that will almost certainly be First-Year Family Weekend, but I’m excited by the fact that I won’t have to pay for nice meals, and I’m finding comfort in the odds that my parents probably won’t be the most embarrassing ones on campus. In speculating what types of parents mine are up against, here are a few that I know I’ll definitely see around:


25 Things to Do While in Line for Pong

(05/07/17 2:01pm)

It’s Friday night, and you find yourself on Webster Ave. after a treacherous week filled with overdue papers and late night “studying” on FFB. You enter the basement of Sigma Apple Pie with the hopes of releasing all your pent up angst with a paddle, ball and a few cups of Keystone Light™. Wading through a sea of crushed cups and empty beer cans, you situate yourself next to a frat bro at a table.









People You Wish You Had On Find My Friends

(04/23/17 11:42pm)

Find My Friends, aka the best app creation known to man, has steadily blossomed into a way for friends (and enemies) alike to track the every location, whereabouts and habits of anyone who you can get to share their location with you. Some people might be hesitant to join in the fun (is it creepy?), but let it be known that using Find My Friends is neither creepy nor invasive in any way. We've all had those desperate moments when we want food from Late Night  but cannot bear to meander from the cozy comfort that is a dorm bed. No need to fear, though - hit up Find My Friends and extort that one softie you know will come through with Mac n' Cheese bites when you really need them. In addition to the classic food bearer, however, there are some other people you could really benefit from having on 24/7 location sharing - trust me:


Types of Prospies You'll Meet at Dimensions

(04/23/17 10:11pm)

Although each and every ’21 is wonderfully unique enough to be accepted to Dartmouth, it often seems like the same sets of stock prospies are admitted in every class. Rain or shine, some archetypal prospies are always present at every Dimensions weekend. As you walk around campus the next couple of weeks, keep an eye out for these guys — and consider if you ever were or are one of them.


Disgraceful: Forever Young

(04/21/17 4:35pm)

Four years ago, it is my freshman summer, and I am running down Mt. Moosilauke, alone, in the dark, 90 percent sure that I am about to die. I am kicking myself for staying an extra hour at the campsite up the mountain with my trail crew members, knowing I needed to get down to the Lodge before sunset. My headlamp begins to flicker. I’m probably running from a moose, or a bear or a psycho-killer AT hiker, right? Wrong. I am running from a fictional, immortal mad-scientist called Doc Benton. Many of you may remember the story of Doc Benton from Trips — the scientist from the 1800s who threw the girl off the headwall in the search for immortality? The story wasn’t very scary surrounded by 150 sweaty teens, but alone in the woods, I am straight losing it. Eventually I make it down (only falling once) and run into the Lodge, sweaty and out of breath feeling like I just outran death; everyone else is playing cards and looks at me like I’m crazy. Honestly, I probably am.





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