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(02/22/13 4:00am)
Learn a ton of languages! And we mean really learn, not just memorize the foreign sex phrases and pick-up lines in Urban Outfitters books.
Watch every episode of "Law and Order: SVU" in order, if only to pick up on instances of subtle sexual tension between Stabler and Benson.
Memorize an infinite amount of inane trivia to finally best that smug Ken Jennings (and Watson) on "Jeopardy."
Do your laundry, vacuum and go to the gym. Come on guys, the basics.
Go through the Buzzfeed archives and read every list in history. Corgis in sweaters and Beyonce gifs never get old.
(02/15/13 4:00am)
"The Color of Friendship," an intense reflection on race relations and Apartheid that offered a lot more than your average Disney Channel Original Move.
"Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest." As obvious as the overwhelming environmental message was, we might have missed it as kids. It was "Avatar" before anyone had bright blue side-boob.
"Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century," even if the hit single "Zoom Zoom Zoom" by Protozoa isn't as great as we remember.
"The Sandlot." You're killing me, Smalls!
"Space Jam." No explanation needed.
(02/01/13 4:00am)
"Heathers," the '80s cult classic high school drama features some of the best hair and best outfits ever shown in feature-length film.
"Drop Dead Gorgeous," a mockumentary about beauty pageant contestants in Minnesota. Strong enough accents to keep you laughing through the cold.
"The Day After Tomorrow," a disaster flick starring Jake Gyllenhaal that shows that things could always get worse, weather-wise.
"Jaws," a movie scary enough to require a cuddle buddy while simultaneously reminding you that you're not always missing out when you're not at the beach.
"10 Things I Hate About You," because every cold day needs a happy ending. Preferably featuring Heath Ledger.
(11/09/12 4:00am)
Freshman pregames and an uncanny, and yet unfortunately short-lived, ability to guzzle $5 vodka from plastic bottles.
Getting care packages from our parents. Fun fact: Priya once received a care package filled entirely with almonds and socks.
Doing readings on time, going to office hours and just generally caring about classes. Bonus points for sitting in the first three rows of a gigantic lecture hall... and for even showing up at all.
Being horrifically bad at pong, when it was kind of funny and excusable and you're not an embarrassment to your fraternity (hi, Jay).
Having a UGA to host floor meetings, make BFAB and be our part-time therapist and/or life planner.
(11/02/12 3:00am)
Bring the Keg Jump back. Have you seen the YouTube videos?
Haze the crap out of the freshmen by forcing them to run around a giant bonfire. Oh wait...
Move Winter Carnival to the summer, Brazil-style. In preparation, build a beach off of the Connecticut River to accompany it.
Green Key nope, we wouldn't change a thing.
Insert a new big weekend just for upperclassmen during Orientation week, comprising several days of absolutely nothing and culminating in a school-wide Capture the Melon competition. Free T-shirts for all!
(10/19/12 2:00am)
You go to the Heorot highlighter party.
Some freshman sets off the alarm by going out the front door of 1902.
You check your phone and it's 2:11 a.m.
Lose your jacket with your keys, phone, wallet, passport, a family heirloom and your dignity.
You leave the highlighter party alone.
(10/12/12 2:00am)
Prince William and Prince Harry. Are they even real brothers?!?
Mary Kate and Ashley. Except that they would probably drop out after a year. Too real.
The Weasley brothers. You know, in case our next president turns out to be another Dolores Umbridge.
The Kennedys. Maybe we'd finally get that Taylor Swift concert, after all.
Paris and Nicky Hilton. Nevermind.
(10/05/12 2:00am)
You know that laundromat on Allen Street that recently and suddenly shut down? Pretty sure the only laundering they did there was with money.
Joe Asch is the head of DDS.
The bonfire is cancelled this year... Less blazing, less hazing.
The glass study rooms on FFB are actually experiments conducted by the psych department.
Jim Kim has a lower back tattoo.
(09/28/12 2:00am)
DinerToure. Phenomenal breakfast food might be the only thing that would get us to wake up at 6:15 a.m. when we don't have class until 10 a.m.
Purchased something from Khawachen on Main Street. Have you seen their throw pillows?!?!
Created something awesome at the ceramics studio. Priya has actually tried doing this before but couldn't find it. Anyone know where it is?
Gone to the corn maze. It's like "Signs" without the aliens!
Hiked the 50. JK! But actually, good luck this weekend...
(09/21/12 2:00am)
Men's rugby team vs. women's rugby team: We actually have no idea who would come out alive.
Dean Johnson and the "silent majority" vs. all of campus
Dirt Cowboy vs. Starbucks. Fight the machine!
'13s vs. the job market
Old man FoCo vs. Ma Thayer
The Dartmouth vs. The Aegis: Can we share photographers? Please?
Our Sports editor wants to see an all-out battle royale between all 10 a cappella groups. So do we.
Dartmouth campus gingers vs. dementors
KAF baked goods vs. Collis baked goods
Dart Dorm vs. Rockefeller Beds vs. Big Green Noodles vs. Bibimbros vs. Evolving Vox
(09/14/12 2:00am)
Jones Media Center becomes like the Baker Bells and accepts song requests for its closing time music.
D2U: Dartmouth Daily Updates start including a picture of a cute puppy in each blitz.
Rare Essentials stocks clothing that is not just appropriate for the 60+ crowd (This one may be beyond the jurisdiction of the College, but a person can dream).
Collis Ray sells breakfast sandwiches door-to-door.
McLaughlin, the River & the Choates each get their own fitness centers (Let's actually see what we can do about this one).
(05/25/12 2:00am)
"So what are you going to do with that theater major?" He/she probably knows that he/she wasted over $200,000 on an education don't rub it in.
"Do you mind Greenprinting this for me? Oh right, they shut that off for you."
"Why don't you just grab that from Topside? Oh right, they shut that off for you too."
"How many last chance matches did you get?" The answer is almost always zero.
"Don't you wish you could stay here forever?" Too real.
(05/11/12 2:00am)
He must be able to play any Aerosmith love song on the guitar.
He must be good with kids and puppies.
He must only wear his lax pinnie ironically or while playing lacrosse.
He must be able to do something in the kitchen besides toast a Pop Tart.
He must shower at least once a day. We'll even settle for once a week.
(05/04/12 2:00am)
Attempt any form of in-person or digital contact with you from 10 p.m. to 10 a.m.
Family photo shoot on the Green.
Inviting your evil, devil-spawn roommate and family to an extended off-campus dinner.
Don a derby hat and opt to join in the debaucherous activities on Webster Ave.
Request an all-access tour of "that Rolling Stone frat."
(04/27/12 2:00am)
There's a '14 who harnessed the wind and a '15 who won an Olympic medal. Inevitably, there will be a '16 who cured cancer, a '17 who won the Nobel Prize and an '18 that foiled a plot to assassinate the U.S. president. Need I go on?
In 50 years, the SAT will probably be out of 3200, and your 2350 will mean nothing.
Legacies: still a thing in the future, but way bigger thanks to the fact that apparently 1 in 10 Dartmouth alumni marry each other now.
Dartmouth will finally make rugby a varsity sport, and you will lose your spot to 40 burly men.
Andrew Lohse's memoir somehow gets chosen by Oprah's Book Club. Applications to the College skyrocket.
(04/20/12 2:00am)
Sending your research paper to your parents and demanding they correct it for you.
Bragging about how much you drank last night. I bet you really did drink that whole handle of vodka!
Lying about how much you study to seem cool.
Playing video games. Hint, hint, boys!
Aggressive Facebook albums!!!
(04/20/12 2:00am)
"I miss being able to drive to lunch." Lindsay Berger '15
(04/13/12 2:00am)
1."Oh my god, an etiquette test. Manners." Sarah Trahern '122. "A handshake test? Like, a nice firm handshake to make an impression." Laura Hechtman '153. "Martial arts training! Basic self-defense skills should be a must." Chantal Shirley '144. "Cumulative human being survival test. Not sure what that'll entail." Kyle Lawson '13 5. "Sanity test. Because I'm not sure that everyone at this school would pass." Curie Kim '13
(04/06/12 2:00am)
Falling asleep on the middle seat of your flight only to discover that one or both of your neighbors is covered in drool.
Taking up two seats on the Dartmouth Coach. Really?
Refusing to check your 70-pound carry-on.
Losing your passport, social security card, driver's license, boarding pass and cell phone inside your black North Face at any point in the term.
Wearing the same thing as the night before, turning your travels into one epic walk of shame.
(03/30/12 2:00am)
It costs the same amount to live in the Choates as it does to live in McLaughlin.
In the winter, S&S will probably Good Sam you if you so much as slip on ice.
Jim Kim is breaking up with us. Didn't you hear?
The Nugget isn't playing "The Hunger Games." WHAT?
Off-campus landlords: the hidden chafe of sophomore summer.