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Ahhh, good ol’ Dartmouth, where our very obvious hookup
culture can invade nearly any aspect of our lives. Whether you’re in FoCo and a
past hookup (or three) is filling his or her drink next to you, being assigned
to a group project with a recent dfmo (dance floor make-out) or stepping out of
office hours and seeing that person who ghosted you after you failed to DTR
(define the relationship), it’s easy to be a bit uncomfortable and on-edge all
the times. But what about when a hookup falls into a “cest” category? We’ve all
heard about the classic example of “floor-cest” and how much of a disaster that
could be – why not delve into the potential results and see if your hookup was really
worth the “-cest?”
Heat. You know it’s hot when the sun is out but the Collis patio is deserted.
’18 #1 in Astro: “You look like you’re about to boot.”
’18 #2: “Yeah but I took a Sudafed.”
As a ’17 on for this summer term, I’m affectionately referred to as my sorority’s resident SWUG (senior washed up girl). When (and if) I arrive at tails, people look at me with a mixture of excitement and pity. They pat me on the back and say they’re happy to see me, but then turn to continue socializing with their new friends. Meanwhile, I make a beeline for the drinks table, around which I continue to hover for most of the night.
Masters. The big weekend has finally arrived…
’18: “They have adult milkshakes and nice Jewish boys. My two favorite things!!!”
Like the millennials we are, we often turn to Google instead of people in times of need. Our Google search history can always be a little disconcerting, but it’s particularly distinctive over sophomore summer – when else will we be looking up the toxicity of copper mines or wondering how to make homemade mac and cheese bites? Nonetheless, there’s no shame in asking Google silly questions – that’s what it’s there for. Here are ten potential topics you’ve Googled this summer:
Grab your pitchforks and come on down to our warm and exotic location, situated at the mouth of the River Styx, and work for the head honcho himself—Satan! At this competitive internship, you will work with millions of clients buying and selling souls. What could be more valuable? Special guests will eventually include such celebrities as Jordan Belfort and Bernie Madoff. Note: Creativity is a must. Customer service skills not necessary.
Semi season is upon us, which means it’s time to break out the flair. Or at the very least, it means searching through your giant flair box, which is of course full of everything except what you actually need (hence why you're desperately writing out toGroupMe asking friends for help). But if you want to save yourself a trip to Party City, here are a few ideas for semi themes that are fun, easy and super doable:
’18: “Getting the money from suing someone would be nice, but there would just be too much paperwork for it to really be worth it.”
Crossing the X: Last night you were a hero, today you are a zero. Swugdom is only a state of mind.
1.1. David Newlove, the head of Dartmouth Dining Services, came to me in a dream and said unto me, “Let there be few dining options for 16X.” And it was so.
Amidst pulling all-nighters studying for exams, working multiple jobs to pay for college and giving up our childhood dreams of becoming an astronaut or professional athlete to major in Econ, it’s easy for us to forget what it’s all for. We’re at a premier Ivy League institution, struggling to find something worthwhile to do with our lives to rationalize paying over $60,000 a year in tuition. We want to lead successful lives, provide comfortable living situations for our families and pursue fulfilling careers.
So you’re taking two classes this term. That’s okay: $23,158 doesn’t need to buy you three classes, does it? It’s not like you’re wasting $7,719 of your (well, your parents') money! Those two huge layups are just as reasonable an expense as any other course could ever be. Plus, it’s sophomore summer and you’ve got better things to do with all that extra time. You’ve got an extra 195 to 220 minutes per week, and you’ve got to spend them on some absolutely fantastic activities, things that really improve your education. You wouldn’t want to waste a term at Dartmouth, after all.
Realizing suddenly that the American electoral system was broken beyond repair, representatives of many branches of government, all fifty states and both major parties elected to utilize a different system for electing the 45th president of the United States of America. While it pained Dartbeat to learn early yesterday morning that the traditional Masters tournament would be cancelled this summer, our sadness was quickly assuaged when we learned why: the presidential candidates already held their own championship on Dartmouth’s campus this summer term.
At the start of every term, naïvely optimistic Dartmouth students throwimpressive but far-fetched ideas onto a rough “to-do list” with their friends, saying to themselves, “This time, we’ll complete the list.” But let’s be honest, does that ever actually happen? No, because before you realize it, it’s week nine and you’re drowning in midterms (yes, even during week nine) and gearing up for finals, not to mention plunging deeper into the sinkhole of negative DBA. But if there’s one term to complete a bucket list, it’s sophomore summer – supposedly the most fun term of our college careers.
As the great philosopher Nelly foretold in A.D. 2002, "It’s getting hot in herre [sic], so take off all your clothes." And with the rising temperatures, 16X is full of reasons to de-robe, from visiting the river, copper mines and ledges for swimming, to hiking for the sake of taking that adorable and totally original picture of you topless and staring into the wilderness below, to streaking finals and other classic forms of Dartmouth buffoonery.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, you made it. You, the graduating Class of 2016, are about to enter the terrifying world the rest of us have been screwing up for quite some time now. Don’t listen to the people who tell you the Middle East is imploding, the migrant crisis is unsolvable or the economy is on the verge of crumbling again. (Those people worry too much.) Instead, hold your head high and embrace your imminent enslavement to the market, corporate overlords and student debt. Want to know almost no one, work your ass off for scraps and be responsible for paying for absolutely everything? Whether you answer “yes” or “no,” it doesn’t matter—the future is inevitable, and there is nothing you can do to stop it from screwing you where the sun don’t shine.
"It’s so funny how everyone’s totally comfortable telling people they have food poisoning, and everyone pretty much knows what they’re talking about, but no one can ever just say they have diarrhea." This observation came around week two of the term, when roughly two-thirds of our group had fallen at the hands (fins? hooves?) of meat purchased from open-air markets. (Europe, you invented refrigeration. Use it.) However, as the term went on, I found it became a particularly apt metaphor for my experience abroad as a whole. Stick with me.