How to Spend Your Extra 195 Minutes Per Week

By Parker Richards | 6/30/16 1:43pm

So you’re taking two classes this term. That’s okay: $23,158 doesn’t need to buy you three classes, does it? It’s not like you’re wasting $7,719 of your (well, your parents') money! Those two huge layups are just as reasonable an expense as any other course could ever be. Plus, it’s sophomore summer and you’ve got better things to do with all that extra time. You’ve got an extra 195 to 220 minutes per week, and you’ve got to spend them on some absolutely fantastic activities, things that really improve your education. You wouldn’t want to waste a term at Dartmouth, after all.

So what can you do instead of taking a third class? Well let’s just see about that…

1. Re-invade Vietnam. Those suckers should never have beaten us in the first place. This is the U.S. of A., and goddammit, we want that swamp. And don’t think we’ve forgotten about you either, Laos.

2. Let's face it: all the public art at Dartmouth — even with the removal of the creepy spider thing — is kind of weird. So why not add your own masterpiece?

3. Reenact every Nick Cage movie. You’ve always wanted to make off with the Declaration of Independence, haven’t you? Well, now’s your chance: get the gang together and relive all 78 Nicolas Cage movies.

4. Become leader of Britain’s Conservative Party. What? Everyone else is doing it. Just about every person from here to Bangkok has started a party leadership campaign. Why not you? I’m sure 195 to 220 minutes per week is enough time to manage the British government. It’s not like they actually take time to carefully consider their decisions or anything.

5. Record a folk album. Just to spite your dad and his love of folk musicians, you sing and become famous, like Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel. Then, just like all your father’s other favorite musicians, you die tragically at a young age. The only question is how: Cobain-esque suicide or Lennon-esque assassination? Oh, such a fun time.

6. Do the Dartmouth Seven but instead of having sex, recite the Saint Crispin’s Day speech. One of William Shakespeare’s greatest achievements is the moving, uplifting Saint Crispin’s Day speech from his play “Henry V,” delivered by the titular character on the field of Agincourt. Go to the president’s lawn and the BEMA, and read out the speech so that all those wanton, depraved students can hear its uplifting tones as they copulate furiously.

7. Demolish the Choates. Come on, we all know it has to happen.

8. Buy hats. Buy lawn signs. Create your own "Make _____ Great Again" campaign. Buy tee shirts. Make random crap great again! What should be great? You decide! Then buy the baseball caps to prove it.

9. Buy an island. I mean, why not, really? It’s not like wasting $7,719 was a big deal, so you might as well spend a few million more.

10. Sink the island. Do islands sink? Not for millions of years? Well, tough luck, ‘cause you’re gonna sink yours right to the bottom of the Georgian Bay now. They called it “Thousand Island dressing.” Now, it’ll be “Nine Hundred and Ninety-Nine Island dressing.” Screw you, Canada.

Parker Richards