16X Google Search History

By Caroline Berens | 8/5/16 5:58am

Like the millennials we are, we often turn to Google instead of people in times of need. Our Google search history can always be a little disconcerting, but it’s particularly distinctive over sophomore summer – when else will we be looking up the toxicity of copper mines or wondering how to make homemade mac and cheese bites? Nonetheless, there’s no shame in asking Google silly questions – that’s what it’s there for. Here are ten potential topics you’ve Googled this summer:

1. “how to make a homemade ac”

How else will overheated but broke college students stay cool? DIY stuff is in right now anyway, even if a homemade AC does look a little ratchet. It’s easy to seek refuge in Collis or the library, but they do close eventually, forcing you to return to your room’s oppressive, inescapable heat. If you’re privileged enough to live in a building with central air or a room with AC, you might have avoided this somewhat pathetic search.

2. “are copper mines safe to swim in?”

Sure, that bright blue water looks great on Instagram – and even better with the right filter – but the reason it’s so blue is because of toxic chemicals, including iron sulfate, in the water. Let’s be honest: you’re pretty desperate for that classic 16X cover photo, but not quite desperate enough to risk your life. Luckily, Google assures us that the water in the Elizabeth Copper Mines is not toxic for humans. Now you just have to work up the courage to jump from that high ledge.

3. “what should I do with my life quiz”

With many of us taking upcoming off terms, we’ve been faced with the question of what exactly we want to do with our lives when we graduate (aside from being devastated and wishing pong existed in the real world). The results of this quiz are probably not overly helpful but at least you feel very productive for three minutes.

4. “how to make mac and cheese bites”

With Late Night closing at 12:30 a.m. now, all Dartmouth students are experiencing a deficiency of LNC food – a.k.a., our lifeblood. How can we be expected to function without our regular intake of mozz sticks, chicken tenders and mac and cheese bites? Thus, some of us have been forced to take it into our own hands. Yet when you realize how complicated it is to make them, you decide that maybe you should forgo a few pong games and make it to Late Night before it closes.

5. “places near hanover nh to get a spray tan”

Why is everyone else so tan and you’re still so pale?! Maybe it’s because you’re always working on orgo in the stacks – but you don’t want people to know that. You could just go sit in the sun and get a real tan, but who has time for that? Spray tans can be expensive, but the cost will be worth it when you look back on 16X pictures and, by the wonders of cognitive dissonance, pretend you spent the term in the sun.

6. "how to make money if i don't do corporate recruiting"

It seems like everyone – even that sociology major who said last week that she wanted to join the Peace Corps – and their mother is involved with corporate recruiting. Suddenly, you become totally insecure about your career goals, convinced that you'll end up on the street with nothing but your social science diploma to keep you company. Confidence shattered, you take to the worldwide web to find assurance that some lucrative non-corporate careers do exist (though not many). And at the very least, you got to watch Netflix while others stressed out at recruiting sessions.

7. “is it bad to take three naps a day”

With your two-class schedule and diminished extracurriculars, you have obscene amounts of free time. Sure, you have 103 things on your 16X bucket list, but so much of your time is still unoccupied. What better way to spend it than sleeping? Three naps might seem excessive, but what’s stopping you? Unfortunately, a Google search suggests that multiple naps a day is extremely unhealthy for your body, but you ignore this. Your body will return to a normal schedule eventually.

8. “best thing to eat before drinking”

You and your partner have been training for Masters since the winter, and the tournament is only a few short days away. You need to be in optimal condition on the big day – able to drink a lot but also avoid getting too drunk and losing focus. You know it’s important to eat beforehand, but what has science proved to be the best meal? As it turns out, it’s a burrito bowl. So go grab some Boloco, put on your frat shoes and prepare for victory.

9. “is Gile mountain a hard hike”

You’ll admit it – you have never hiked Gile in your past two years here at Dartmouth, and you’re not quite sure what it really is. You’ve seen the sunrike/sunsike photos, where people seem to be standing on an enclosed overhang of sorts (in fact, “what is a firetower” was your previous search) but you’re not sure how hard it is to get up there. Sure, the DOC people say it’s easy but they’re practically professional hikers. So you take to Google to give your outdoors-adverse self a more trustworthy opinion.

10. “what is fieldstock at dartmouth”

You’ve heard people refer to a mysterious event called “Fieldstock” as the big weekend of sophomore summer, but what exactly does this event entail? All you know is that it used to be called “Tubestock,” right? You’re too embarrassed to sound out-of-the-loop, so you ask Google instead of your friends (who are probably equally clueless). You see a few things about chariot races, barbecues and concerts, but that’s it. Looks like you’ll just have to wait and see...

Caroline Berens