How to Get Your Ideal Summer Bod
As the great philosopher Nelly foretold in A.D. 2002, "It’s getting hot in herre [sic], so take off all your clothes." And with the rising temperatures, 16X is full of reasons to de-robe, from visiting the river, copper mines and ledges for swimming, to hiking for the sake of taking that adorable and totally original picture of you topless and staring into the wilderness below, to streaking finals and other classic forms of Dartmouth buffoonery.
If you already have the body of your dreams, stop reading and also don’t talk to me ever again. But if you’re more like me (who made it half-cup to half-cup the other night, followed tradition and eagerly ripped my shirt off ready to destroy the competition only to look down and realize that the temple that is my body had been utterly ravaged by my LSA diet of bread and more bread), then read on for some helpful tips to getting your perfect summer body!
1. Try to piece together a cohesive plan and list of goals for your future. The tears you shed will take care of that water weight in no time!
2. For a quick cleanse, eat a sandwich from the back of the Novack sandwich vending machine and all the toxins in your body will be evacuated immediately and violently.
3. Cardio is essential to any good workout plan. Run away from your responsibilities. Keep running.
4. Ladies, lifting isn’t just for the guys! Every morning, pick up the weight of society’s expectations for you and carry it around with you all day to tone those flabby arms.
6. Read the DDS schedule for summer hours and realize that Dartmouth is working hard to starve you without any effort on your part whatsoever!
7. If you feel like snacking, set up a system where you eat one bite for every page of reading you finish. The urge will disappear every time!
8. Contract a tapeworm: lose weight and make a new friend!
9. Attend every event, regardless of the theme, in a giant inflatable dinosaur costume. You’re not insecure, you’re hilarious!
10. Beer has a lot of carbs and unnecessary calories. It’s best to give up pong altogether.
11. Just kidding, can you imagine?
12. Your parents’ expectations are sitting pretty heavily on your shoulders. Switch your major to English and automatically feel the load lessen.
13. Realize that attempting to coordinate your body type with the season (or vacation plans or big events) is absurd. Eat what makes you feel good, streak with reckless abandon and spend your energy focusing on things that actually matter, like Masters. Or friendship. Or maybe even school?