The Book of DDS

By Parker Richards | 7/18/16 9:43am

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1.1. David Newlove, the head of Dartmouth Dining Services, came to me in a dream and said unto me, “Let there be few dining options for 16X.” And it was so.

1.2. In the hours of the morning, I awoke, but felt disinclined to leave the midst of my bed as yet.

1.3. It being Sunday, I reclined, feeling neither hunger nor energy.

1.4. In such a state I partook of Netflix and HBOGo and all those wonders of the Earth.

1.5. Feeling finally that I must depart, I sallied forth unto the showers. There I did cleanse myself and felt again the words of David Newlove upon me.

1.6. “Hurry,” he hath said unto me, “for if you terry there shalt be no dining options of which you may partake.”

1.7. And I did hurry, but alas! I came upon the doors of Foco mere moments past 2:30 p.m., and lo! The great gates closed before me.

2.1. I searched in vain for other dining options upon the campus o’ fair Dartmouth, looking hither and thither amongst the pines and the hemlocks, their boughs alighting in my hair as I strode past.

2.2. I journeyed unto Collis and found it deserted, as bleak as a desert without those noble townsfolk who manned the deep friers and the pasta lines. No food was to be had.

2.3. Thence I went to King Arthur Flower and found it too barren.

2.4. At this time, there was hunger in Dartmouth, and the Dartmouthites were restless with famine and lo! There was pestilence and blight, and amongst the townsfolk there was many a tear shed for the lack of good fare.

2.5. Alas! Even that most wretched hive of despair, Novack Café, was not open, for it was 2:35 p.m. on a Sunday and of course no student would have need to dine then!

2.6. The iron bars had closed around Novack and so too around my heart, for there was nought to eat.

2.7. Once again, David Newlove came to me, his face shining down from the Heavens as he spoke.

2.8. “You must venture into town,” he spoke. Then he did cackle—a most heinous sound—and his words rang out: “For at this hour your dining plan is worthless, worthless, worthless! I hath seen to that.”

2.9. I wept.

3.1. Finding myself devoid of all hope and struck upon by the plagues of gods and men alike, I dragged my harried body toward the Main Street—toward the promise of relief!

3.2. But then I was struck, as if by a revelation! For it occurred to me that David Newlove might not have wrought a cruelty so impenetrable as to make my meal plan useless.

3.3. Collis Market remained! Lo, I hurried once more. And with haste I did jeté to that thrice-blessed marketplace.

3.4. Though I did not tarry and came with the greatest speed, I arrived to find the doors closed and the hours not what I believed.

3.5. Thus did my meal plan fail me! Thus did I have nowhere left to go!

Parker Richards