It's been almost four years at Dartmouth for me now. Four years of rotating between the same few restaurants. Four years of trying to make a Collis salad just a little more interesting. Four years of wondering why Topside stocks itself with things like Vienna Sausages, canned mushrooms and, come to think of it, everything the world thought to can, ever. But I've finally found it. I've finally found the meal that Topside exists to provide for: huevos rancheros.
It all started this past Sunday after a particularly, ahem, tiring Saturday night. Was that too subtle? I was hung over, as was my roommate. While laying in bed we were going through the Sunday morning ritual that many go through every week. "I want eggs," one of us announced. "Yeah, eggs." "Lou's eggs." "Yeah, but I don't want to actually go there." "Yeah, no, I don't want to be in public either. Do you think they have takeout?"
This was followed by some internet browsing, some talk of how many beverages we wanted, some other talk of how dirty our feet were but amazingly not our shoes. It ended with finding that Lou's does do takeout, but only salads, really. And then I had a Rachel Ray moment and got up and got happy and announced that we should make ourselves some eggs. More specifically, we should make ourselves huevos rancheros because we wanted the opposite of Chinese (there had been giant containers full of it at the house the night before, you know how that goes) and everyone knows that the opposite of Chinese is Mexican. Hooray! A mission!
We walked into Topside at the early hour of 11 a.m. and bought half a dozen eggs (yes, they sell them there, they were next to the Vitamin Water cooler), a jar of mild salsa (we couldn't handle too much spice at that hour), a bag of yellow corn chips (which worked but could have been better, looking back on the whole thing I think I should have picked the blue corn chips, they're not only tastier, they also add a fun element of color to the dish), a block of cheddar cheese (because we're practically in Vermont and in Vermont there is only cheddar) and a can of refried beans (the regular kind). Then we headed back to the house and down into the depths of the Sigma Delta kitchen.
I started by laying out some chips on two plates and warming up the can of beans. This second task was harder than it sounds because our can opener has decided to go on strike. It looks all white, pretty and new compared to the old, reliable one we used to have, but deep down inside it's just a stuck-up teenager of a can opener who refuses to be of any help.
I eventually got the top of the can to turn vertical by occasionally perforating the edge of the can with the can opener. That is to say the can opener occasionally obliged me by puncturing the can but not actually spinning the blade. I tried to use a knife, a fork, the side of the counter, but all I ended up with was a mangled, half open can. It was open enough for me to scrape out most, but not all, of the can's contents. I then spread those contents onto the chips, which is a very delicate task, while my roommate grated some cheese (who knew we had a cheese grater lying around?).
Then it was on to the eggs. I like mine with a very obvious yolk so I chose to do mine sunny side up. The roommate chose to have hers scrambled, which she very skillfully managed to do in the pan itself because while we do own a cheese grater, we seem to be lacking in bowls.
First we coated the pan in oil because we had no butter on hand. This was annoying. I think canola oil is disgusting. I don't actually even really like to use butter. At home I use olive oil for everything so I had to make my fearless roommate coat the pans for me since I was skittish. While she cooked her eggs I warmed up my pan and cracked three eggs into it, only slightly damaging one yolk. Yes, this pissed me off. After about five minutes of cooking, I sprinkled some cheese on them, waited for that to melt and then slid the eggs onto the chips and beans and topped with salsa.
It was a masterpiece. I don't think I accomplished much the rest of the day but I didn't need to. I had found and executed the perfect Topside meal; I was done for the day, which is about how long it took us to actually finish our meals. So if you plan on going out hard, perhaps over Green Key, then I suggest stocking up on these ingredients (plus a little no-fat sour cream if you can get your hands on it) and waking up early enough so that the hangover hasn't quite caught you yet. Make yourself some huevos and camp out for the day. It's not a bad time.
