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The Dartmouth
March 3, 2024 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

OMG I Saw A Movie

Momma, Daddy, I'm dropping out of Dartmouth. I've gotten all I can out of this institution. I'm going to go out in the world to learn magic. Yes family, I will be the greatest magician ever. Ever. Why this sudden change of heart? I saw a movie. An absolutely true movie and David Bowie was in it so how could it not be real? It was "The Prestige." Now I'm not going to lie and say that this was the best movie ever because it wasn't. It was confusing and weird and I'm still not exactly sure what I watched and I'm not sure I would know even if I watched it three more times. But, I do know that magic is awesome and, apparently, it used to rule the world.

Here's how this movie came about. Some guys read a book and were like, sweet, magic and murder! I see a movie! And then they said, "Hey Hugh Jackman! Hey Christian Bale! Feel like being magicians?" And they said, "Heck yah who wouldn't want to be magicians?!" And then they said, "You know what this movie needs? It needs what any movie set in England needs: Michael Caine, who happens to still look the same as he did when he made 'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.'" (What is your secret Michael?!)

But something wasn't right. Sex appeal, they thought to themselves, you can't have murder without sex! And Scarlett Johansson was hired because she is the epitome of feminine appeal (Scarlett ... I have nothing to say except seriously put the bosoms away once in a while. They steal the scene away from Christian Bale).

Then David Bowie said, "You know what? I am great in movies 'Labyrinth' for example. I should do more. Quick, hire me as Tesla (Edison's main electrical opponent apparently. Hey, I learned something!) and disguise me in lumpy fake cheeks!" And nobody turns down David Bowie, not even Mick Jagger (you know what I'm talking about Mick).

And then they made a breathtakingly beautiful movie where magicians battle in a slightly Count of Monte Cristo-ian way. It's suspenseful, it's intriguing, there are more twists in it than in all the Cosmos ordered on "Sex in the City" (heyo). And it's confusing. It's really, really confusing.

I know some of you who have already seen the movie are saying, "Oh, silly Justine, it's simple." No it's not, you're wrong.

If you think it's simple then you were not paying close enough attention to some of the scenes. No, don't argue with me, it's confusing. I tried to understand and then I tried to not understand and just accept the movie's ideas, but that didn't work either.

Seriously, it's as if they made the movie normally and then a crazy homeless man with some small idea of science hopped off the bus he had been sleeping in and rewrote the ending. Am I saying that's a bad thing? Not at all. I'm just saying that I'd really appreciate it if that crazy vagrant would come over to my place and explain and maybe diagram his thinking a little more clearly.

Well, not my place, because it's dirty enough. Maybe if he would meet me for coffee or over 40s, whatever he wanted really. That's really beside the point. It was good -- go see it and then come explain it to me over 40s with a homeless guy.

Speaking of 40s ... (I am awesome at segues). Hey legal drinkers, been to Zin's lately? I have. Twice recently actually. Let's discuss both of those times. Once was in the afternoon -- late afternoon. I'm almost certain it was after five; It was at least after four, so that's fine.

Anyway I went for a classy drink and an appetizer. My companion and I ordered the crisp calamari with Chinese catsup ($7.25) and two different flights of wines. I had the flight of Pinot Grigio, my companion ordered the flight of Sauvignon Blanc (which I had most recently so that is fair game for me to talk about as well).

The flights I'm referring to are three glasses of similar wines from very different areas. For example, my three Pinot Grigios came from France, California and I'm going to say Italy. Yes, yes I know this is not very professional but I'm almost entirely sure it was Italy (sorry Daddy). They offer a few red flights as well, all for around $12 - $15.

The Sauvignon Blancs were also delicious and completely different, though they are from the same type of grape. The bartender may argue with you after you tell him which wine is your favorite, but that's to be expected. And these aren't your "little tasting" pours, they are full "take-a-load-off-this-is-going-to-be-a-good-afternoon" glasses. They also have a nice long list of reasonably-priced wines by the glass as well as bottles.

And you get snacks; snacks that are the perfect mix of sweet sesame sticks, salty Chinese crackers, wasabi peas and nuts. They refill them too. It's like a free meal really. A free meal with three glasses of good wine. Not bad, not bad at all.