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The Dartmouth
May 22, 2024 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

OMG I Saw A Movie

Hey men, remember when you were young and you would swim at the bottom of your pool with your feet tied together with one of those rings you would dive for? Remember when you would burst from the pool onto the stairs and flip your hair back with passion, jutting your budding breasts out? No? Well every girl you've ever known does (and maybe some of you have and just aren't owning up to it ... come on, you tried it once. It felt good. That's OK, children are meant to experiment).

Most pool related female child accidents in the late '80s can be attributed to The Little Mermaid. And now it's back.

Re-mastered in two disk special edition, "The Little Mermaid" is being re-released in DVD form. I watched it and I'll tell you this: I did not notice a difference. I mean, I guess it's brighter. I guess.

But really it's still the best movie ever made. Though, it is different watching it now that I am grown, matured -- as old as Prince Eric -- and question things like mermaid reproduction (seriously it's worse than the chicken and the egg problem; how do they do it? Like salmon? Or like dolphins? C'mon Disney, the kids want to know).

Other things I noticed? Glad you asked you eager reader you. I saw the penises this time. You know, the towers of the mer-city that people keep saying look like phalluses? Yes, well, I denied it for a long time, but I now concede. Some, not all, of the towers may resemble a certain anatomical member. May I just add that I hate all you people who point that minor phenomenon out to people like me and ruin their childhoods with your heartbreaking, dream-killing insights.

After I saw the aforementioned buildings my heart sank as I believed the initial joy that had accompanied the opening number of "Fathoms Below" (underrated song, by the way) was ruined. But hark, 'tis not so!

Childhood joy returned as I watched King Triton's anger issues explode and dancing sea creatures that made me think twice about ordering tuna. You know who also wouldn't eat tuna? Ariel. Look at her, people, her waist is as big as her eyes. After noticing that ratio I suddenly had an understanding of all the eating disorders in the world. But you know, whatever, she still has the best hair in any Disney movie. Ever. It took me eight years to get over having red hair.

I also found myself slowly beginning to understand Ursula (or as I like to think of her, the Oprah-when-she-was-fat-of-the-sea-just-evil). I mean, with all those hot mer-chicks around, with their sea shells and their small waists and single tails, who would be angry? Especially if you were born with the bottom part of an octopus and a slow metabolism. Did you know she was the sister of King Triton? She is! The deleted scenes told me so. At least she has her pet eels (so did Romans, by the way. They responded to whistles, neat huh?) until they are killed by stupid Prince Eric! They're just pets for god sakes! Ariel didn't know what she was getting into. She's probably sad at home, missing her fish friends while he's off torturing snake-like marine creatures. Sad, really.

Speaking of oceans and things like shipwrecks! You know what I had to eat after the shipwreck of Homecoming weekend? Fort Lou's! The two egg special and some sausage to be specific. The eggs were poached perfectly (not watery at all), the home fries were okay (I really prefer hash browns), the English muffin was better than not an English muffin, and the sausage patty was excellent as long as I didn't look at it or think about it. But! That's right, there's a but. I know that Fort Lou's is great on a Tuesday morning at 4 a.m. but the service on a Sunday was abysmal. People who ordered long after us received their food 20 minutes beforehand and we were only a group of five. It took 40 minutes to get our food. Not to mention the inattention paid to my empty cup of coffee. Keep in mind this is after Homecoming. I needed coffee. Maybe she heard one of our party swear (the Fort is known for its intolerance of cursing). In this end I'm willing to forgive. After all, it is a truck stop that serves battered and fried donuts and calls them French toast. Really, what do you expect?

At the end of "The Little Mermaid" I cried. At the end of my Fort brunch I felt mildly nauseous for the rest of the day. Together maybe they would be a pathetic combination of tummy rubbing and tears but separately the meal and movie are both satisfying and salty.