Those crazy Catholics and their secrets, murder and self-flagellation. I went to a Catholic boarding school for four years and, let me tell you, this movie just brought back all of my favorite memories. I remember when those monks invaded and murdered one of the nuns. I remember when I proposed that perhaps there was a forgotten gospel and was promptly excommunicated from the school and shot through the palm (for irony's sake, because, if anyone has a sense of humor, it's the Catholic Church).
Ah, good times at the convent, as we girls lovingly called it. But back to the "The Da Vinci Code" and away from my flashback. Ah flashbacks, I remember that the movie flashed back pretty much every other scene, giving it a cheap A&E biography of the Rosicrucian feel. "You're watching Jesus on A&E," is what I said to myself every time there should have been a commercial break. And then I laughed, as only a former Catholic school girl can: in plaid. Don't get me wrong though, the movie was good, but perhaps a little unclear if you had not read the book.
Tom Hanks' hair played its role spectacularly. It remained in a precarious half-mullet throughout the entirety of the movie. Brilliant, just simply brilliant. And that French guy who's in every American movie that has anything to do with France, as well as pretty much every blockbuster French movie (all trois of them) did a great job at doing what he does best: be French, which is quite a feat if one adheres to the side message of the movie, "you can never trust the French!" I've now made that my personal motto and, let me tell you, life has never been better. No more Frenchies ruining my plans by being manipulated by evil, greedy, Holy Grail-obsessed villains or the Pope.
Actual good point: when people spoke in foreign languages in the film, they actually spoke in them and there were subtitles. I'm not saying I enjoy reading when I'm at a thriller/mocumentary, but I appreciate the integrity it presents. Also, you can really get a chance to brush up on your French. The most used word in the entire movie, which really exemplifies the goofy behavior of those Frenchies, is "merde" -- translated as "sh*t" in Anglais.
Other good point: there is a sweet-ass Smart Car chase scene. Smart Cars, if you have been hiding in a hole and not watching any new movie that involves a foreign country, are toy cars that were caught in an enlarging ray in a freak nuclear accident and were adopted by Europe and used to validate their tiny cobble stone streets. They're awesome. And they drive really well backwards on the sidewalk at breakneck speeds, according to this movie. I'm buying one tomorrow. Stay off the sidewalks.
And there are more great gadgets! For one, glow in the dark pens play a large role in "The Da Vinci Code." I don't know why the guy at the beginning had one on him, but, let me just say, I am now convinced that they are the single most important things you can carry on you. Ladies, forget your Mace, your rape whistles and your cell phones -- just carry this pen because it's way cooler.
What shall I compare this great flashbacking film to? Let's go with ... "National Treasure"? No, too easy, I fell asleep during that movie. Both times I tried to watch it. How about ... "Indiana Jones"? No, there's really no contest there, Tom Hanks is no Harrison Ford and no one's eye was almost burnt out with a hot poker.
How about ... I know, a mediocre movie that takes place overseas and makes you feel like maybe you learned something or maybe you've just been lied to, a lot. A movie like ... no I can't think of one. I was going to go with "The Muppet Movie" or something and try to be clever, but this movie doesn't merit enough to be placed next to such a work of genius.
Really it is just "National Treasure" goes European. It's like "Road Trip" vs. 'Euro Trip." That is to say, it's just a little weirder and makes you feel like you went on vacation but never got to stay in a hotel and order room service. It was okay. It dragged at the end. At least there wasn't a love story. It was intriguing, it made me happy I am not going into the clergy, and it showed me how truly versatile Ron Howard can be. From "Happy Days" to "Arrested Development" to showing me how truly unexciting my life is (again) in "The Da Vinci Code."
Am I going to discuss the controversy behind this movie and the book it was based on? No. Why? Because it's stupid. It's fiction, okay? Yes there were secret societies just as there are now, except with less drinking and more gold masks and ritual sex acts (unless that's what you guys do ...).
So, go to this movie if you want to pretend to learn, to see Tom Hanks' hair, and to get out of going to church this weekend. Don't go if you're going to argue with me about it. I won't hear it, and I won't respond to it. Nah, I'm just kidding, this is The Dartmouth Mirror for God's sake! If you're arguing with this stuff well maybe you need a hobby: why not brush up on your cryptology or learn how to drive backwards really well?
Rating: It's a good nighttime movie, but don't see it if you're in a city, it's not worth that much money. It might be a rental. Remember to buy some red wine and tiny round wafers to eat with it -- to really get into the feel. Maybe even tie some barbed wire around your thigh, to really get to know the pain of Christ, just like the terrifying albino monk that dominates the movie. Did I forget to mention him? I don't really think I could do him justice. Watch the movie just to see him. Seriously.
