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How to Procrastinate Like a Pro

(05/12/16 4:15pm)

I took this article because it spoke to me on a deep level. “Why?” you might ask. Well, because I meant to take it last week, but I never got around to blitzing my editors. It seemed like a great idea on Sunday night so I thought to myself: I should really blitz someone about this. But then “Game of Thrones” came on and I resigned myself to waiting until Monday morning, at which point I decided that I was too busy to think about it and that Tuesday would be a better day to write an article. That went on until Friday when I shrugged my shoulders in defeat and reminded myself “there’s always next week.”

Personal Essay: A One-Way Bromance with Chris Miller ’97

(05/11/16 11:50am)

One source of undiscussed stress amongst students on campus is the search for their next free term/post-graduation job. It’s almost a rite of passage to think, “Well, I screwed that opportunity up more than I could've possibly imagined.” I’m writing this personal essay partly to say that, no matter how hard you screw up trying to get a job, you’re not alone. This is the story of my Dartmouth alum idol, Christopher Miller ’97, and the worst fan/cover letter of all time.

The Road to Masters: A Guide to Becoming A Pong Champion

(05/10/16 2:30pm)

Summer is fast approaching, which means several things: (1) avoiding rogue Frisbees while crossing the Green; (2) seniors frantically trying to check off everything on their Dartmouth bucket list in the next month; and (3) people chugging buckets of iced coffee to make it through the day. But for all you ’18s out there, the arrival of 16X means one thing and one thing only: Masters.

Dear Lone Pining

(05/10/16 6:36am)

Life at Dartmouth can be hard, what with the harsh winters, D-Plan and limited social scene working against you. “Dear Lone Pining,” Dartbeat’s premier student advice column, is here to help! Anonymously submit your questions here, and our lifestyle expert Lone Pining will help tackle your problems. Here’s what Lone Pining had to say this week:

Texts From Last Night

(05/09/16 2:40pm)

Or maybe it should be “texts from yesterday,” consideringthe large majority of campus was out and about from around 10 a.m. to 3 a.m., give or take a few hours to ~nap and rally~. Whether you and your friends were frolicking between Woodstock and Pigstick, scrounging around in the Mud Pit or dancing at Speakeasy, there’s nothing like TFLN to garner up some FOMO:

27 Belated Mother's Day Gifts

(05/09/16 10:55am)

There was a lot going on last weekend: Pigstick, Woodstock, Mud Pit and the 44th annual Dartmouth PowWow. You spent all of week six fighting yet another losing battle in the war against academic rigor—it's only fair that you milked the weekend's festivities as a chance to forget your troubles and relax. But you know who never gets to relax!? Your mom! And you know what else was this weekend? Mother’s Day!

Pig-Sticklers: How Vegetarian Alpha Chi's Plan to Spend Pigstick

(05/06/16 9:00am)

This Saturday is Pigstick, Alpha Chi’s big event of the term. There will be music, kegs, revelry and plenty of delicious meat cooked by Dartmouth’s own Collis Ray. As a member of AXA myself, I thought I’d talk to some fellow Alpha Chi’s who swore off meat to see how they plan to approach this event. (Yes, this is a dumb idea for an article. No, I have no idea why I pitched it.)

Courses That Should be Offered 16X

(05/05/16 2:19pm)

Economics 43.601: Market Realities of the French Prison System in the Mid-Nineteenth Century (x-list: Comparative Literature 97) There’s a lot of tension in prison economics today, but nothing can ever come close to the feud between Jean Valjean and Javert. This course will explore in-depth the underlying market functions and cost breakdowns of the French prison system circa 1830-1860, all through the lens of literary works like “Les Misérables” and “The Count of Monte Cristo” (for some reason, 19th-century French authors were really into putting dudes who didn’t deserve it in prison). English 39.4: Snape Studies “Turn to page 394… now,” your professor intones in his best Alan Rickman impression as the class lets out a whimper of terror. Dartmouth’s first course based solely on the work of J.K. Rowling, this class will cover all kinds of key concepts, such as “Snape kills Dumbledore,” “why Harry Potter is an ungrateful little twerp” and, of course, “how Snape did nothing wrong, saved everyone and was magically forgiven for being an ass cravat for six straight years.” Chemistry 39.07: Ethers, Elixirs and Alcohol Taught by College President Phil Hanlon himself, this amazing course will cover all the reasoning behind the hard alcohol ban, from Russian distilling plants to moonshine in a Kentucky forest. Filled with fun, field trips, and a mustache to rival Chester A. Arthur, this course is not to be missed. Geography 33: The Ledyard Challenge (x-list: Physical Education: Advanced River Swimming) Finally, a definitive course on how to complete the Ledyard Challenge! Your final? Well, that’s obvious: the challenge itself. Taught with hands-on experimentation, swim lessons, basic lifeguard training and frequent trips to the Connecticut River, Geography 33 is one of the best courses in Dartmouth’s under-appreciated, “other” social science. Art History 13: The Unluckiest of Fashions: Khakis, Sperrys and the Dartmouth Bro Aesthetic Finally, so overwhelmed by the ugly clothing they see on a day-to-day basis, the denizens of the art history department have decided to chronicle all the evils of Dartmouth men through a close historical examination of their fashion trends, from President Kennedy to the douchebags you see at the Hop. Writing 19: IDK, YOLO, FML: A Guide to Texting Abbreviations Are you always wondering what your friends are texting you? Don’t know what they mean by “BRB” or “ROFL”? Well, this is the class for you. We’re assuming Jen Sargent will teach it, because honestly, it just seems like the sort of thing the Sarge would do. Linguistics 87.02: History of Quenya, Sindarin and the Noldor Languages An advanced linguistic study of Tolkien’s elvish languages from his famed “Lord of the Rings” trilogy and “The Silmarillion,” this course is not for the faint of heart. Requiring extensive prerequisites in the linguistics department, this is one of the hardest courses ever offered during summer term. Take it at your peril. Astronomy 8: Carl Sagan, Extraterrestrials and Our First Contact Through the work of the great astrobiologist Carl Sagan, this course will examine the potential for extraterrestrial contact, life forms and what might happen if humans come in contact with aliens. Half of it is just watching the short film “Wanderers” (2014) by Erik Wernquist and, honestly, your intrepid reporter is totally fine with that. History 79.2: Winning Arguments by Comparing People to Hitler: A Historical Perspective (x-list: Women and Gender Studies 88) One of the most timely classes offered at the College in recent years, this course will analyze internet arguments, the tendency of people on all sides of the political spectrum to compare their opponents to Adolf Hitler and the actual propaganda techniques of Nazi Germany’s Reich Ministry for Propaganda and Enlightenment. College Course 10.04: Game of Thrones (x-list: Film and Media Studies 97.1) You literally just watch “Game of Thrones.” That’s it. They might talk a bit about how David Benioff went to Dartmouth, but honestly, I doubt it.

Dear Lone Pining

(05/03/16 2:25pm)

Life at Dartmouth can be hard, what with the harsh winters, D-Plan and limited social scene working against you. “Dear Lone Pining,” Dartbeat’s premier student advice column, is here to help! Anonymously submit your questions here and our lifestyle expert, Lone Pining, will help tackle your problems. Here’s what Lone Pining had to say this week:

What You Googled This Week: “Lemonade” (2016) Edition

(05/03/16 2:08pm)

When exams had you down and out, only one person knew how to pull you out of despair. It was none other than queen of surprise visual albums (and basically queen of everything in general), Beyoncé. That’s right—when Week 5 gave you midterms, you made LEMONADE. And by “made lemonade” I mean spent an unhealthy amount of time on Google trying to understand the most talked about album of 2016.