Dear Lone Pining

By Andrés Smith | 5/3/16 10:25am

Life at Dartmouth can be hard, what with the harsh winters, D-Plan and limited social scene working against you. “Dear Lone Pining,” Dartbeat’s premier student advice column, is here to help! Anonymously submit your questions here and our lifestyle expert, Lone Pining, will help tackle your problems. Here’s what Lone Pining had to say this week:

Dear Lone Pining: How do I gloss over an awkward moment with a potential date? I always seem to muddle my words or say something stupid, so what's the best way to laugh that off and move past it? -TongueTied

Dating can be hard, especially the first few dates with someone you really like. Throw in the weirdness that is Dartmouth relationships, and it can feel downright impossible. Between navigating the norms of a unique social system, dealing with off-terms and cramming everyone together in a small, isolated space where everything seems like a bigger deal than it is, Dartmouth dating can be a terrifying prospect. Luckily, in this situation, it doesn't have to be. If you flub something in public in front of your date, just look around, find the alpha of the group that your date is attracted to and swiftly and brutally strike them down where they stand. Your lethal prowess and cold ruthlessness will let your date know that where you are concerned, weakness is the exception, not the rule.

If you don't have the gumption or the jade dagger for this method, then I'd say your best bet would be to do what you said: just laugh it off. Don't give this small awkward moment any more power than it needs to have by making a big deal out of it. Little mistakes like this are kind of like a guy who wears his high school letterman well into his college life: they need your attention to survive. If you ignore them, they'll eventually just go away.

-Lone Pining

Dear Lone Pining: My family is coming to visit me for Parents’ Weekend, but it’s also Pigstick/Woodstock/Mud Pit at BG. I want to rage but also spend time with my family. Suggestions? -RagingOnALeash

I'd say you have to take this opportunity to enjoy these parties as much as possible. Pigstick, Woodstock and Mud Pit have always been there for you. They created you, nurtured you, supported you in everything you've ever wanted to do. When you scraped your knee, who was there with a band-aid and a kiss? Pigstick, with its greasy barefoot embrace. When you went through that rough patch in high school when you felt like your friends were abandoning you, who reminded you that there was someone who would always, no matter what, be there? Woodstock, with its comforting smile. When you thought you were going to crack under the pressure of college applications, who was your rock? Who is the very reason you're here? Mud Pit.

I don't mean to be harsh, but come on. There's nothing wrong with hitting these things for a little while, but spending time with your folks should be the priority. Squeeze some time out of being with your family to do the party stuff, not the other way around. Also, please don't get super day drunk and assure yourself you'll totally sober up before dinner at Pine at 6:30. You probably won't, but you probably will throw up in the fancy Pine toilets. THEN where am I gonna go when I want to treat myself to a fancy poop?

A party is a party is a party. Spend time with your family.

-Lone Pining

Dear Lone Pining: I feel like a lot of my friends are getting internships/jobs this summer, and I keep getting rejected. What should I do? -16SleepingOnParents’Couch

Who needs to have a job or internship lined up? All you've gotta do is pick a big city, preferably New York or Los Angeles. Put on your shiniest shoes and a nicely pressed shirt and walk down the street. Keep doing so until you're approached by a Big Wig, or perhaps a Fat Cat. Once you are, say something cheeky to prove that you've got moxie. They'll then realize that you've got a face for the pictures and that they should make you a star. All in all, this process should take about 40 minutes.

Seriously, I wish I knew what to say here. It's a tough world out there, and jobs really don't come easy (and we're still among the very, verylucky ones). Just keep pushing and cast a wide net; don't limit yourself to only one or two things you absolutely haveto do. Honestly--and this is a huge cliché--the most important thing is that you bust your ass. I would be lying if I said it worked out for every person who tried really hard, but it sure as hell helps. And hey, if that doesn't work, you can always turn to your family. Or porn.

-Lone Pining

Andrés Smith