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7 Ways to Make Your Mom Proud

(05/16/17 1:14am)

Alas, Mother’s Day has come and gone. And let’s be honest — were you actually prepared for it this time around? Probably not. It happens every year — you open your iCal in April to see Mother’s Day a few weeks away, thinking to yourself, I have plenty of time to get a gift/send a card/get some flowers … and I won’t forget this year! But, every year it creeps up, and before you know it Mother’s Day was literally yesterday and you still have nothing. But good news — it’s time for you to turn to some ~alternative~ methods to win back your mother’s love and affection after you inevitably disappoint her on Mother’s Day once again. Even better, all these are easily doable from the comfort of your own dorm room! Maybe next year, though, remember to send a card. 

How to Attract the Attention of Your Non-Facetimey Crush

(04/10/17 12:41am)

There are two types of people in this world: those who are facetimey, and everyone else. Even when it seems like the entire campus and their prospies are in the KAF line post-10As or every machine in the gym is occupied, there are some elusive folks you just never see around. And, of course, your crush happens to be one of them. Perhaps the mystery adds to the allure, perhaps you just don’t know enough about them yet to know their daily habits and frequent locales, but you saw them in the Collis pasta line that one time and you’ve been infatuated ever since. It’s difficult to play hard-to-get when they’re hard-to-find, but with these tried-and-true methods, you won’t have to Foco squat in desperation to finally have that long-awaited interaction.

5 Ways to Get Your Spring Break Bod Without Breaking a Sweat

(02/19/17 10:19pm)

With 17W coming to a close, many of us will (hopefully) be taking off for destinations where we can actually see the sun and, even better, expose parts of our bodies that we barely remember could be exposed to those warm rays. Underneath the layers of Canada Goose jackets and long underwear lives a person who once knew what it was like to be tan, skinnier and not sleep deprived. But alas, unless you're a gym rat, winter bodies don’t translate into year-round beach bodies. With only three weeks left in the term, you’re going to have to do a quick turnaround if you don’t want to scare people away with your paleness and obvious consumption of KAF baguettes when you hit the beach this year. Here are a few quick changes you can make to your everyday life to make sure you're Instagram and warm weather ready (read: any climate at or above 50 degrees). 

7 Dartmouth Things That Stress You Out and Totally Shouldn't

(02/07/17 2:07am)

With midterms coming at us full force, the stress on campus is palpable. Everyone has resorted to sweatpants, and the smallest things that don’t go your way may very well be the beginning of a spiral down to a deep dark place of failure. Here are a few #relatable Dartmouth things that probably stress you out even though they undoubtedly shouldn’t.

Romantic Potential of DDS Food Options

(01/27/17 6:51pm)

Planning where you want to grab your next meal can often be an ordeal, especially when you start estimating the concentration of people at certain times during the day. Add to the fact that, yes, you are actually trying to follow through with your lunch plans, and the chaotic lines can make you want to back out of your meal date and crawl into your bed with a tender bob. Luckily, DDS offers endless a few good selections, and each place has its own specialties that keep us coming back for more, whether it’s mac ‘n cheese bites, facetimey-ness or conveniently late hours. It’s easy to decide when you’re with friends, but what if your relationship is a little more ambiguous? Here’s a brief overview of your options to navigate those romantic nuances and finally get to the bottom of what a Foco lunch ~really~ means: 

Internal Monologue of the DDS Texter

(01/19/17 1:26am)

For better or for worse, DDS is finally getting with the times with its new texting feature. As the (masked) face of DDS and liaison between students and their tender quesos, we often forget that the text responses are coming from a real person (or people) with thoughts, feelings, fears and aspirations of their own. These noble first responders have to bear the brunt of any feedback, constructive or otherwise. Here’s what’s going on behind the cheeky one-liners and smiley faces.

8 Stages of Coping With the Loss of Napkin Containers

(01/12/17 6:39pm)

Pump your brakes, ladies and gents, ‘cause Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief model is way out of date. No, I don’t mean for little things like “deaths in the family” or “fascist takeovers of society.” This new step-by-step guide is for real issues. Issues that hurt us all. You know of what I speak — it hangs like a pall of darkness above the campus. It hurts all, consumes all, destroys all. Of course, I am referring to the decision of Dartmouth Dining Services to do away with the free and independent napkin dispensers at each table in its establishments and replace them with centralized, collectivized napkin dispensers.

Roster for NARPs

(10/05/16 3:51pm)

It’s easy to spot an athlete. You can identify them around campus with fresh Nikes and monogrammed backpacks, and you can check the online roster to learn their life story. But, don’t you wish there was an easier way to spot a nondescript NON-athlete? Ever wonder what else they do aside from speed-walk on the treadmills in the NARP gym? Meet some of the newest NARPs for the 2016-2017 season:

FoCo Joe: PB & J Cannoli

(11/02/15 5:04pm)

I was in a bit of a scramble this week. After a jam-packed weekend, I could not afford to spend my Sunday evenings in FoCo, as I usually do. I had made plans to order in Boloco with my friend instead. I know – WHO AM I AND WHAT HAVE I BECOME. But alas, I cannot let my dear readers down, my faithful followers who are already dealing with reading my column only every other week.

FoCo Joe: Baked Apples

(10/19/15 11:51am)

In case you live under a rock, fall is here. The streets are adorned with multicolored leaves, and Instagrams are radiating pure autumnal bliss. I kid you not, I have seen at least three captions riffing on the phrase “the apple of my eye.” Unfortunately, no amount of emoji creativity makes that pun original. But some basic treats, like baked apples, do deserve copious amounts of affection. Likes on my @focojoe Instagram will do… How do you like them apples in FoCo? I am honestly wishy-washy. I find that the best apples out here are usually the red ones, but I am such a granny smith guy. Even on Rosh Hashanah, when apples and honey are delightedly consumed to honor the start of a sweet new year on the Jewish lunar calendar, I prefer the green ones. Despite this, most baked apples recipes call for a variation of a red apple, and I should be eating more red apples. This recipe is also a solid way to make the most out of softer apples. This dessert requires a moderate amount of labor, but the return of investment is disproportionately higher! Trust me.

FoCo Joe: Trix Cereal Cake Pops

(10/06/15 2:01pm)

Before I begin this week’s column about cake pops, I should reveal an important disclaimer here — I do not normally eat cake pops. For whatever reason, I don’t really like them! I think they’re are overrated, and I’m not a fan of the overly sugary frozen frosting. Both the flavor and texture of the frosting does nothing for my taste buds, and if I want cake, I will eat cake. Not a cake pop. My aversion for cake pops started at a young age. I think it was largely caused by repeated mishaps with other foods presented vertically — ice cream in cones (I always order cups), kabobs, corn dogs — none of them really do it for me, and their fragility does not help.

FoCo Joe At Home: Ghirardelli Square

(06/01/15 4:04pm)

I had so much fun last week at San Francisco’s weekly food truck festival, Off the Grid at Fort Mason, that when my friends suggested we go again this week, I couldn’t say no. Only this time, I wouldn’t be writing about other Off the Grid sweets, although there are so many more than the chocolate chip bacon cookie and the dark chocolate crème brûlée I sampled in last week’s column. I had my eyes set on a classic San Francisco treat, a sundae from Ghirardelli Square. It was only right to visit one of the most notorious tourist havens in the city for my final column of 15S. Call it a full circle kind of destination – beginning and ending with two essential treats, one of the west coast and the other of San Francisco. I planned this all along, I swear.