Internal Monologue of the DDS Texter

By Angela Zhang | 1/18/17 8:26pm

For better or for worse, DDS is finally getting with the times with its new texting feature. As the (masked) face of DDS and liaison between students and their tender quesos, we often forget that the text responses are coming from a real person (or people) with thoughts, feelings, fears and aspirations of their own. These noble first responders have to bear the brunt of any feedback, constructive or otherwise. Here’s what’s going on behind the cheeky one-liners and smiley faces.

Editor’s note: All quoted responses were actual replies from the DDS feedback account. The following analysis of these texts, however, are meant as sarcastic humor and are by no means aimed at mocking actual employees of Dartmouth Dining Services.

What they think: “What’s more disturbing is the fact that every year 15 billion trees are cut down and the global tree count has fallen by 46 percent since the dawn of human civilization, yet you still lack concern. Speaking of concern there’s a bruise on my leg and I don’t remember where I got it, and it kind of itches… should I get it checked out??”

What they respond: “thank you for your feedback”

What they think: “Is it weird that birthdays kind of make me melancholy? If you think about it, every year that goes by is just a smaller percentage of your life with fewer milestones to go and soon the big parties turn into sitting at home watching reruns of How I Met Your Mother and debating whether to buy yet another ironic shirt online…or is that just me.”

What they respond: “Happy birthday. You are not getting any younger”

What they think: “Not gonna lie, I’ve actually been feeling pretty down lately. I’ve just got this feeling like I’m missing something. I think I turned the stove off before I left so can’t be that… fed the dog… it’s been a while but honestly things just haven’t been the same since Karen left… I just wish that we could’ve had more closure at least. Should I log out of her HBO account then? I just started Westworld and it’s really good, but is that weird or...? Also why are these people still awake at 4 a.m.? Why am I still awake at 4 a.m.?”

What they respond: No response.

What they think: “…and it’s not like we were bad for each other either. I guess somewhere along the way we just kind of fell into a rut and never came out of it, and we’re on decent terms now I suppose, but whenever I see her name on Facebook or my Venmo feed I can’t help but feel a twinge and I think I still miss her. Should I text her? At least say, “happy birthday” next week or something?”

What they respond: “Of course we do”

What they think: “Who the hell is Mike and what kind of self call is this.”

What they respond: “We think Mike’s pretty awesome too :)”

What they think: “Wasn’t even interested in the first place. Also who even thinks to send this to a dining services number? But part of the job description was to humor them right”

What they respond: “Sounds like the show The Bachelor to me”

What they think: “Ahhh yes, the original ‘wyd.’ Takes me back to simpler times before Friendsy and Tinder and all of that nonsense. Call me a traditionalist but why swipe right when you could just bare your soul and just about everything else while you’re at it?”

What they respond: “nostalgia never dies :)”

What they think: “Yup, you caught us! Here at DDS we’re just trying to impose our fascist reign by asserting our dominance through minor inconveniences for the greater whole of the planet. But really though, you got up to get that second Foco cookie so you can get up one more time to grab a few napkins.”

What they respond: “We’ll get through this change together.”

Angela Zhang