As students at one of the most prestigious schools in Hanover, we should all strive to be well-mannered. It has come to my attention that we lack guidelines for how to do so under some of the unique circumstances that Dartmouth life presents. Fret not, friends. I have dug up the following Etiquette Man(ners)ifesto to provide a few tips for how to charm your peers and not make them want to whoop you for checking Facebook on that blitz terminal. Read on, and be schooled in the ways of the polite.
Greeting Guidelines: Always say hello to the basics, i.e. friends, frienemies, professors, lamp-posts and anyone over 80. If you've "helloed" someone more than thrice over the course of a few hours, just give them a break and pretend that you're reading your palm next time you pass by. If the approaching party is that dude(tte) you blacked/made out with last weekend, you are not expected to provide the full "hello" until awkwardness has fully subsided over time; however, it is polite to be visibly torn about whether or not you are going to beef up and acknowledge your make-out buddy. A half head-nod, quick look away and panic-dive over that fire hydrant will suffice as a temporary greeting, but be forewarned: Once a term has expired, both parties should feel obligated to greet one another with affected ease. These are responsibilities to consider before you go around making out.
Stranger Danger: Often, situations arise in which someone you're pretty sure you've never seen before greets you with your full name and acts like she's practically your favorite squash buddy from the good old days. Bad news:A simple "hey!" is an insufficient response to a greeting that includes the pronouncement of your name. The safest way to respond without being exposed as a name-forgetter is by filling in the "Hey (name blank)!" with a more general noun such as girl, hon, sweetheart, babe, doll, Jess or "Al." If this greeter initiates a follow-up conversation, your next best move is to steal her candy and book-it fast to Facebook (just don't hog the blitz terminal).
Blitz Conduct: The first consideration is always response time. Try to be prompt, but not too prompt, unless you're blitzing with good pals. If you are blitzing with someone you want to impress, response time should be adjusted accordingly. As they sit there waiting for your blitz, allow them enough time to imagine that you're not getting back to them because you're busy shot-gunning brave adventures, funneling danger or just generally doming awesomeness. The BCC and forward options present more challenges to one's blitz etiquette. BCCing is generally discouraged because the risk of accidentally hitting the simple "CC" is just not worth taking. Your formal invite does not need to know that your entire sorority is audience to his response. Also, it is tempting to forward blitzes that contain spicy information to friends; however, under some circumstances it is extremely inconsiderate to do so. One should be sensitive about forwarding any blitzes that were received after EBA's closed for the night or that were signed: "im sware iim not drnuk now, wanato meat up?"
Class in Class: Unless you're really on a roll, don't raise your hand more than four times or exceed a total of one minute of talking time in any given class session. (Dude in my film class: You're not on a roll.) Really, it's great news that you know more than the professor, but your peers aren't paying big bucks to feel stupider than you, so quit making us look bad.
Salad Bar Behavior: Proper salad bar etiquette requires you to begin at the containers and move in one direction towards the dressing/croutons. Don't be that imbecile who gets into the action with simple mixed greens on the menu, but then last minute decides to go Greek, forcing everyone to rewind so you can go back and get some olives. This kind of behavior is inexcusable. It is worthy to note that each salad bar on campus will challenge your demeanor in different ways. If you're at Collis during rush hour, it is proper to pick one side of the bar and stick with it. You might feel a little odd reaching under that glass panel all the way to the other side for your feta fix, but the overcrowded stir fry line will appreciate your hard work and will promise not to tell the vegans that you spilled some cheese in their tofu. If you are a Homeplate salad-barfly, note that the balsamic is right above the finish line, which tends to present traffic issues. Loitering below the vinaigrette is discouraged. The salad bar at Thayer is also discouraged.
Cigarettiquette: If you're one of those "social smokers" who refuses to purchase your own pack of cancer, you shouldn't ask to bum cigarettes from loyal, paying customers. It is only proper to accept a cigarette once it has been offered to you. The slickest way to score an offer is by enthusiastically immersing yourself in someone's second-hand smoke and deeply and desperately inhaling until they get the message.
Chi Gam Dance Party Politesse: Out of consideration for others, try not to remember anything that goes down on the dance floor.
Party Pack Protocol: Listen, Dr. Sweet Guy. The social chairs of that lame house didn't go through all the trouble of registering their bash just so you could show up at 11:59, vaccuum all the pizza and bail three seconds later when the boxes are cleaned out. To demonstrate your gratuity for their hospitality, the least you can do to is go down to the basement, kick those wimps off a table and get a game in before you wreck their house and leave with all the hot chicks. More protocol: no punching, scratching, or double-dipping. If you only want one pizza crust, don't feel inhibited about leaving the cheese behind for someone else. Sharing is polite, and every scrap is fair game. Also, don't be bogus and sneak off to the corner with an entire breadstick box. We see you and we will try to remember this.
Grace On The Green: It is a spring day and you stroll over to the Green with some friends for a little procrastination party. Enter the question of "Camping Distance." Where shalt thou pitch thy clique? Unless the Green is brimming with slackers, keep your distance and don't plop down on top of those poor people right there. Unsolicited lap dances and/or audiences to private convos are straight up obnawkward, (especially since they're talking about you behind your back again). One should park oneself at least one pong table's length away from other groups. If you forget to bring a pong table, you can figure out whether or not you're out of earshot by observing how people around you react when you say "Party Pack!" in your "outdoor voice." If they don't claw you, you know you're fine.
Grace on Greenprint: Just tell us how many pages you're printing, the suspense is killing us.
Public Display of Appropriateness: It is spring and love is in the air all over campus. It's in the air on the Green, on the golf course, at the Bema, at the fifty-yard line, in the stacks -- and this is just fantastic for all of you hand-holders out there. But making out at Homeplate!?! That's just impolite. On Second-Floor Berry? Please, your slobber noises are interrupting our silent misery. In class? I've seen it done -- and seriously, try it again and I'm busting out my Duck Hunt gear and zapping you lovebirds in the beaks.
- Be Polite! (Please?/Thank You!/Laterrr)
