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(05/11/00 9:00am)
There is an evil, an ugly ferret-faced disease plaguing this campus. Most are frightfully unaware of it; only a few enlightened investigators have been able to uncover the rotten maw of this gaping decline of civilization. What, you may ask, could be such a threat to humanity? It is this, my children: the death of simple language.
(04/28/00 9:00am)
Amid many exciting announcements of proposed developments at Dartmouth, there has been one particular comet in the distance that has been ignored, one fiery mass of earth-rending power that no one seems to talk about. I am referring, of course, to the approaching dawn of two-ply toilet paper at Dartmouth.
(04/18/00 9:00am)
These past few days I have sent a couple of those electronic birthday cards to people. No, not the cards that play "Kumbaya" when you open them: I am referring, of course, to the ever-present e-cards. These are cards sent over the Internet to someone when you've forgotten their birthday until the last minute but you still want to let them know that you care somewhat.
(04/13/00 9:00am)
Recently, I visited someone in North Hall. Until then, I had no idea that North Hall existed. For all I know, it didn't exist until the very moment that it came into my view, and once I left it, it slipped back into oblivion.
(04/05/00 9:00am)
A s I sit listening to Jay Leno continue his barrage of tired old Clinton jokes and watch local attorney Dennis Shillen hate to lose, I reflect on one thing. Well, a couple of things, but only one thing that I can write a column about. That is the curse of explanation.
(03/30/00 10:00am)
Thesis Statement. I hope not to offend any technophiles in my readership, if such things exist, by which I mean my readership. Sure, I might be called a hypocrite by some, who might have read my column last year praising my iMac in all its glory. Well, I was just a foolish kid then. Now I have been enlightened: all computers suck. Windows, Mac, LINUX, UNIX, SUFFIX, CRUCIFIX, all of 'em.
(02/11/00 11:00am)
I don't usually write things that are important or even relevant, but this time I thought I should write about something that touches all of our hearts. I'm talking about Winter Carnival.
(02/09/00 11:00am)
Let me start off by saying that yeah, there may be some of you out there who are confident in your choice of major. You know that because of your major, you will graduate from Dartmouth and easily slip into a high-paying, interesting job like the proverbial hand into the proverbial glove. Then, as a result, all of your old friends from high school will suddenly become very interested in re-establishing your acquaintance, and beautiful people will become your bedfellows, in every sense of the word. To you, I hope my sincerity comes across when I say, quite supportively, bite me!
(01/27/00 11:00am)
If you think about it -- and I mean, not even heavily think about it, which I tend to avoid doing anyway -- the strangest aspect of our lives is communication. Talk. Chit-chat. Shooting the proverbial shit. "Oh sure, Jeff," you might say, the disdain evident in your voice, "you're full of it. There's nothing strange about the way I talk."
(01/13/00 11:00am)
This is the year 2000. Although there are no flying cars or self-massaging boxer shorts, there is still a feeling of being in the future, of being in "later" right "now." A futuristic glow surrounds everything and it's more than just residual radiation. However, in spite of all of this wonderful I'm-in-the-future-look-at-me happy feeling now, it wasn't easy for some people to make the millennial transition.
(11/23/99 11:00am)
Dear Kronos, I hear you're the god of time. At least, I'm pretty sure you're the god of time; I don't have time to look it up for sure. I hope you will hear me out: I have a few issues and requests concerning time in general. I know you're a pagan deity and you probably don't like getting invoked by a Protestant. Well, just try to bear with me.
(11/03/99 11:00am)
When I read the November 1 issue of The Dartmouth (yes, I do read it even when my column's not in the paper), I was dismayed to see that the Gestapo has been reborn.
(10/14/99 9:00am)
I thought I'd take a moment to let my mind wander, while my printer refuses to print and my brain refuses to think.
(09/30/99 9:00am)
Jeff Deck: Well, it's fall and you know what that means: autumn. Also, college football games begin. I'm here with our field correspondent, Jimmy the Mongoose. Now, Jimmy, I understand that you are a mongoose.
(09/21/99 9:00am)
I think people think we are stupid. Have you ever given any thought to this? Americans must be doing something wrong, because the advertisers, government leaders and other masters of the brainwash in the US seem to think that we are somehow mentally deficient.
(08/01/99 9:00am)
So you are a member of the Class of '03, eagerly awaiting your chance to be welcomed into the Emerald City, the Big Green, Dartmouth. As you ready for your journey into the leafy jungle of Hanover, I would like to offer you a few pieces of wisdom, because I'm a nice guy. And also because I like to hear myself talk, but that's another story. Here then, I offer you, in no particular order, "Everything I need to know I learned in my freshman year at Dartmouth."
(05/20/99 9:00am)
I love people. I think the single fact that would make love, truth, and God plausible is the existence of our fellow human beings, and our ability to have relationships and friendships with them extends this plausibility.
(05/06/99 9:00am)
I'm noticing a growing trend in American writing style that I find particularly disturbing, indeed almost as disturbing as the gospel singers in the Odor-Eaters commercial I just saw a minute ago. (I'll save my views on TV for another time, don't worry.) What I want to talk about right now is metaphors. Yes, metaphors have unfortunately reared their ugly head far too often in today's writing. Like a bad penny, they turn up even in Dartmouth literature. Observe the following sample, taken from a recent article in The Dartmouth:
(04/22/99 9:00am)
With the advent of better technology, it's becoming increasingly easier to stay in contact with old friends and relatives. I have about eighty people on my Instant Messenger buddy list. Especially prolific on the list are friends and acquaintances from high school, some of whom I figured I would never talk to again. Yet, through BlitzMail, Instant Messenger, ICQ, you name it, it seems we can stay connected with many people we care about.
(04/09/99 9:00am)
After its long hiatus, few people should be surprised to see that this column has gone down the toilet.