Jeff Deck: Well, it's fall and you know what that means: autumn. Also, college football games begin. I'm here with our field correspondent, Jimmy the Mongoose. Now, Jimmy, I understand that you are a mongoose.
Jimmy the Mongoose: Yes, that's correct, Jeff. I got this job because kids always love a mongoose.
JD: That's so true, especially today. So Jimmy, there's something I've always wondered about. Is the plural of mongoose "mongeese"?
JTM: No.
JD: Anyhow, you were there Saturday for the Big Green's first home football game of the season, am I correct?
JTM: Yes, that's correct, Jeff. I must admit that it was indeed a bloodbath. Colgate came on fast and came on strong, and they creamed our team with a score of 35 to 3. There was a pizza contest that you could win if you had a program signed by the coach, but I didn't win. Plus, there was no inflatable moose.
JD: Do you see the loss of the moose as a contributing cause of Dartmouth's defeat?
JTM: Oh, definitely. I think that the latex moose's curious gyrations and frequent inflation and deflation were an inspiring sight for all. Personally, my breath caught in my throat every time I saw that moose stumbling down the field.
JD: As a mongoose, what would you say the promising aspects of Dartmouth football would be if they're going to go all the way this season?
JTM: I would say that Wayne Schlobohm is certainly an asset to the team. Also, you've got to give credit to the coach.
JD: For infusing them with the spirit and strategy they need?
JTM: No, for signing those programs for the pizza contest. That's a man with his heart in the right place. On the same topic, I'd say that the Big Green will be the big winner if they finally release those "soon-to-be-famous D-Dogs" they keep talking about. I visited the concession stand, but frankly, Jeff, I saw no D-Dogs.
JD: Well, I thought that the concession stand doesn't serve to mongooses.
JTM: I'm 21 -- I can buy whatever the hell I want.
JD: What was the most enjoyable aspect of Saturday's game?
JTM: I would have to say, the marching band's letter formations. Oh, you said the most ENJOYABLE aspect? Well, it would've been the free t-shirt tosses in the third quarter, if I hadn't been stepped on in the mad scramble for the aforementioned flying t-shirts. I had one in my outstretched hand, but someone took it, put a foot on me, and then punted me across the stands. I landed in the lap of an '03, who mistook me for a free t-shirt until I bit his hand.
JD: Are there any words of wisdom that you can offer Big Green fans?
JTM: Uh big green fans? I'd say, "Keep those big green people cool with your big green air circulation."
JD: And finally, give us a few words on what it means to be a contemporary mongoose at Dartmouth.
JTM: You know, Jeff, it isn't easy. Most people nowadays don't even know what a mongoose is. Their experience with mongooses can be primarily summed to "Riki Tiki Tavi," and let me tell you, that is a sad, sad example. I've never seen a cobra, let alone fought one. I think that everyone needs to take part in the effort to make Dartmouth a friendlier, better environment for today's up-and-coming mongoose. The message needs to get out.
JD: Er, thank you. Be sure to tune in next time, when Jimmy the Mongoose deals with both the issue of mongoose-sized condoms in schools and the curious absence of chicken noodle soup in the Hop.
