After its long hiatus, few people should be surprised to see that this column has gone down the toilet.
I'd like to address a place that we visit every day, and yet has somehow become a taboo subject for editorials--the bathroom. The lavatory is a key place for just about everyone, in their daily routines. Dartmouth is no exception concerning these areas of utmost importance, these shrines to the modicum of greatness. Daniel Webster once said of Dartmouth, "It is a small college, sirs, but a great place in which to relieve oneself of bodily waste."
There are a few things I'd like to discuss about said bathrooms here at the Big Green. One doesn't normally discuss this subject, I am aware of that. However, I offer my observations. I can only speak from experience in male lavatories, of course, so for any female readers hopefully this will be yet another insight into the complex world of men. Okay, maybe complex isn't the right word.
The first thing I'd like to talk about is:
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THE PERCHING TOILET PAPER ROLL. This is something I don't fully understand. Why do people, upon finishing a roll, leave a new roll sitting on top of the empty cardboard tube? If you're going to go through the trouble of getting a new roll, why not just install it, too?
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THE KNOCKING IDIOT. One of my pet peeves is as follows: I go into a stall, shut the door and latch it, and then some degenerate comes along and knocks on the door. What, does he think I'm playing cards in there? I'm in the freakin' john! One time, when a guy knocked, I knocked back. Then he actually tried to open the door. Apparently, I must have given the secret signal.
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LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION. As the Woodward men's bathroom is connected to the Ripley lavatory, we are given a few choices. One in Woodward, two in Rip. Often, when someone has demonstrated ignorance of the flushing function and left a sordid reminder, we are forced to shop around a bit. The funny thing is that most of us will avoid an unflushed toilet rather than simply flushing it. I try to use the Woodward toilet whenever possible, for I am partial to the graffitti in that particular stall. Recently someone added a peace sign sticker to the wood carvings-- I'm thinking some kind of community beautification committee did it. They also added handy pegs on the wall. Now it's just like home.
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THE SHOWER SHUFFLE. I think the next thing Student Assembly should work on is a draft of proper shower etiquette. Some mornings it's truly a challenge to be the next one into the shower: as soon as the sound of water ceases, two or three guys all jump out of their rooms at once and head to the bathroom. If someone gets there before you, obviously you can't stand outside the shower stall and wait for them to come out. That would be a faux pas. So, you have to look disinterested and wander back to your room, and as soon as the water stops, begin the process over again. Also, I have a problem with some guy standing at the sink when I'm about to go in the shower. Even if he's just brushing his teeth, there's still a chance he could see my bare ass in the mirror. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Some guys have it down to a science. They'll go into the shower with their boxers still on and then kind of flip them over the top of the curtain. It's almost poetry in motion.
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FLIP FLOPS. Wear them. Just in case. Maybe I'm just superstitious. The little shower tote is fun too. The "quality" towels that I bought through the school's linens company are slowly unraveling--I'm going to need a little loom and a lot of patience come junior year.
What I've learned is that you just have to have fun with the bathrooms, in the end. Even if they do only have one-ply toilet paper, enjoy this opportunity to mingle with your neighbors. It's fleeting, so make the best of it while you can. Where else besides colleges and cheap motels do you have to share a shower stall?
