This is the year 2000. Although there are no flying cars or self-massaging boxer shorts, there is still a feeling of being in the future, of being in "later" right "now." A futuristic glow surrounds everything and it's more than just residual radiation. However, in spite of all of this wonderful I'm-in-the-future-look-at-me happy feeling now, it wasn't easy for some people to make the millennial transition.
Yes, it's hard to believe, but there were those among us who were gripped by nostalgia for the 20th century. As a result, innumerable lists were compiled to somehow make sense of all that has happened. You've seen them. "The Top 100 Entertainers of the Twentieth Century." "The Top 100 Books of All Time." Hell, there's even one listing the "Top 10 Storms of the Century" (www.weather.com for all your weather needs). To make matters even more ridiculous, the celebration itself has been ranked: yes, there is now a list of "The Ten Greatest Parties of the Century."
It makes you wonder, doesn't it? Why do we feel the need to rank everything? Does it stem from some deep-seated instinct? To find out, I talked to Dr. Harry Thompson, a psychologist and noted brain surgeon. (He only operates on noted brains.)
"Well, there are two ways I can answer that. "1. 'yes', 2. 'definitely.' Ha ha! I made a funny," said Dr. Thompson. After a few moments of silence, I said, "Doctor, can you show me exactly how the brain has developed this listophilia?"
"Sure, and don't call me Ophelia," Dr. Thompson replied, chortling again. He then pulled down a chart of the human brain. "You will observe here, that this is the part of the brain that stores useless data," he said pointing to an area on the chart containing old song lyrics, the capitals of the 50 states, Joe DiMaggio's lifetime batting average, the first ten digits of the number pi, the name of the actor who played Gandhi in the film "Gandhi," ten synonyms for "to vomit", the first sentence of Herman Melville's "Moby Dick," and an acronym for remembering the countries of Central America.
"And here is the part of the brain that stores numbers," continued Dr. Thompson, pointing to another area on his brain chart containing the numbers 83, 45 and 1,027,846 (which I assumed were a representative sample).
"Now observe here," Dr. Thompson said breathlessly, pointing to a region where these two areas of the brain overlapped. "You see, the useless information part and the numbers part come together and share common nodes right here: thus is born the desire for lists. As a consequence, people clamor to discover the Top 10 reasons for avoiding Oprah Winfrey in a bagel shop, the Top Five gas price increases of all time, the Top 20 excuses for missing a ritual slaughter and the Top Seven stars in the Big Dipper. Frankly, I find this behavior to be absurd, ridiculous, preposterous, foolish, outlandish, crazy, inane, ludicrous, farcical, bizarre, outr, and finally, asinine."
So how do we resolve this genetic predisposition for lists -- indeed, how do we curb the damaging tendency that nature has built into our very skulls? Well, there are three possible solutions:
1.Set fire to all lists we come into contact with. This will exclude lists found on computers, of course, because such activity would cause needless harm to hardware. Instead, in such a case, print the list out and then burn it.
2.Ignore all lists we come into contact with. If someone begins to read you a list of, say, the Top 10 steel-toed shoes of all time, simply ignore him or her, and if the offender continues, it will be necessary to use force with him or her.
- Use lists continuously throughout our daily activities. In this way, other lists will lose their effect. For example, wake up tomorrow morning and immediately and think of the Top Three reasons for getting out of bed.
So band together with me, and help fight lists or you could become a casualty of list warfare. I, for one, am making this my number one priority.
