Let me start off by saying that yeah, there may be some of you out there who are confident in your choice of major. You know that because of your major, you will graduate from Dartmouth and easily slip into a high-paying, interesting job like the proverbial hand into the proverbial glove. Then, as a result, all of your old friends from high school will suddenly become very interested in re-establishing your acquaintance, and beautiful people will become your bedfellows, in every sense of the word. To you, I hope my sincerity comes across when I say, quite supportively, bite me!
For the rest of us, let us examine ourselves. Surely we are indecisive and shaky in our major choice but it is only due to our love of ALL fields of study, right? Surely we have trouble picturing ourselves in a "job setting" but it is because we are free spirits, unrestrained by the fetters of workplace, dreaming romantics with an infinite wanderlust, right? right?
Of course. Be assured. You are a wonderful person. I am a wonderful person. We are all wonderful, wonderful. What's this whole emphasis on "majors" and "jobs" and "careers", anyway? Whatever happened to "individuals" and "dreams"? Whatever happened to "you" and "me" and "so happy together?"
Okay, so maybe real life must intercede at some point. It's a scary world out there, corporate jaws waiting to snatch you up and mash you, machines waiting to leash you. I am going to be prepared for this, armed with my tool of survival in the realistic, harsh, bottom-line world: my Creative Writing major. Yes, folks, this like no other will aid me in navigating the cold channels of logical, real-life starkness. Do I need money? Nahh, I'll trade beads and shiny stones. Do I need shelter? Well, there're always bus stops. Do I need food? Hell, I can just eat my old stories and plays, for the fiber.
I guess there are people with less useful majors. For example, look at the Registrar blitz bulletin board, at the bulletin entitled "Priorities for 2000 Spring Courses." If you look closely, there's a reference to "Astrology 74" and "senior Astrology majors". I had previously been unaware of this particular field of study at Dartmouth, but I wholeheartedly support it. If you see one of your compadres on campus carrying around a pack of Tarot cards and today's edition of "Frances Drake's Horoscopes", you can be sure that person is an Astrology major!
So what do you suppose a "senior Astrology major" would have under his belt after four years of stimulating courses at Dartmouth? Maybe they will have taken "Astrology 39: Horoscopes. In this course we will study whether Virgos and Capricorns really do make a good match." Or, perhaps, "Astrology 27: Tea Leaf Interpretation. In this course we will do frequent readings of the future through tea leaves, with brief explorations into coffee beans as a possible substitute." I can only conjecture at the apparently important Astrology 74; perhaps it is "Astrology 74: Culminating Experience. In this course, rigorous palm readings and crystal ball consultations will be required. Students will be tested on their knowledge of Tarot cards, and individual projects will count for 50 percentof the grade. The content of the individual projects is completely up to the students. In the past, students have chosen to create their own monkey paws, or open their own Zodiac parlors."
On second thought, maybe my Creative Writing major is a lot more useful than it first appeared. Or at the very least, it means I won't have to trace anyone's lifelines for credit. The final word, then, for all of you out there who are struggling with career choices, with major choices, with life choices, is this: relax, take a deep breath, close your eyes, and point randomly with your finger at course selections, at major listings. Let Fortune intervene; indeed, be privates in her army, as Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were. You'll still be a wonderful person, no matter what you do right?
