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I just read about another hick getting abducted by aliens from his trailer in backwoods Kentucky. Why do aliens keep abducting these people? Talk about bad representation for the human race. I don't think Jethro and the boys are who I want speaking for me to the UFOs. The aliens are all up there now planning the invasion, "Okay, if we knock out their satellite access to NASCAR racing, they'll be powerless."
It is a statistical fact that less crimes are ommitted when it is colder than 30 degrees out. Interesting. This says to me that there are actually criminals out there watching the Weather Channel and thinking, "Hmm ... well, Tuesday is supposed to be nice. If my calendar is free on Tuesday, let me see if I can squeeze in a mugging." I think criminals want it to be sunny outside, so if they get caught they can be tan and looking nice for the judge.
Last week was the big blood drive on campus. You give the Red Cross a pint of blood, and you get a free cookie. Boy, they are really making you work for that cookie. I thought the Red Cross was supposed to be charitable, but that is one tough-ass bake sale.
Going to the movies is getting expensive now. I went to a show the other day. It was like $35 for a pack of gummi-bears. Man, I could go to the pet store and buy a real bear for that much.
The first week of the term has come and gone. That's one more week that I'm further past my sexual prime. Isn't it something like men reach their sexual peak at 18, and women don't peak until 30? Why did God have to do us like that? For a guy, when you hit 25 you might as well retire from the bedroom. You're practically elderly by then.
Saving the planet is definitely becoming a popular cause to support. I was shaving the other day, and I noticed the can of shaving cream said: "Contains No CFCs, Which Deplete the Ozone Layer." Well, that's good to know. The Ozone Layer is definitely tops in my mind first thing in the morning when I'm trying to get a close, comfortable shave. Just wait a minute and you can ask me about fossil fuel depletion while I'm brushing my teeth.
Last weekend was my parent's wedding anniversary. I read somewhere that the gift for the first year anniversary is paper. Does that seem right, paper? So, you get married and you get a diamond ring, one year later all you're getting is a notebook? What's the six- month anniversary gift, Pez?
I realized the other day that there are a whole line of useless products out there. Fish sticks are an example. From the way I see it, you either like fish, or you don't. Personally, I don't like fish no matter what it looks like. I'd like to see what went on at the marketing meeting that created fish sticks, "Well boss, nobody's really buying this fish, but maybe if we put it into the shape of a stick, everyone will love it." That ain't flyin' with me boy, it could be fish in the shape of a really cool car, and I'm still not gonna dig it.
Dating is a difficult subject. I went on a date recently. I read in this book somewhere that you can tell exactly how a person feels about you by their body language. For example, leaning forward is a good body sign because it shows interest. I think it would be easier for everyone involved if instead of looking for all the subtle physical body language signs, each person had a few actual paper signs. You could hold the signs up during the date. That simplifies things. You're eating dinner and periodically she just holds up a sign like, "You seem like a nice guy," or "These asparagus tips are quite tasty." Of course guys would just have one sign, "Sex?" Every five minutes they would hold it up again and again.