I realized the other day that there are a whole line of useless products out there. Fish sticks are an example. From the way I see it, you either like fish, or you don't. Personally, I don't like fish no matter what it looks like. I'd like to see what went on at the marketing meeting that created fish sticks, "Well boss, nobody's really buying this fish, but maybe if we put it into the shape of a stick, everyone will love it." That ain't flyin' with me boy, it could be fish in the shape of a really cool car, and I'm still not gonna dig it.
Another product I could do without are those tissue paper sanitary covers for the public bathroom toilet seat. That's like a ten minute unnecessary hassle to deal with. Spending all that time trying to get it set up right, just so you can sit down. I feel like a bird making a little nest. That's why before I go on a long trip I paint a thin layer of latex onto my actual ass. No matter where I go, check it out, I'm automatically sanitized.
There is another issue I have with products related to the bathroom. I was in a store the other day, and I noticed a whole line of toilet seats with fur on them. Is it really cold enough in the bathroom that you actually need fur on the seat? Is this an outhouse above the arctic circle? Toilet seat fur is a luxury I don't need. I don't care what that seat looks like. If I'm staying at someone's house, I'm not gonna say, "Well, I don't know if I want to use your bathroom. Does your toilet seat have fur? What do you expect me to sit on? Plastic?"
If you start to watch commercials too much though, things really begin to make sense. I saw an interesting product recently in a department store. The store had this big hunting knife with added storage space in the handle for dental floss and toothpicks. I'd like to see how they'd do a commercial for that, "Like most hunters, I know that whenever I'm crawling through the underbrush in search of that perfect kill, or afterwards, when I'm skinning a deer or elk, oral hygiene is very important to me. This is the perfect knife for the hunter who loves a good eight-point Elk, but hates tartar buildup." I'm thinking, "I hate tartar buildup, and I love hunting. I could really use one of those knives."
Then there are the products on TV which you can't really relate to, but for some reason you still end up buying. Like all douche commercials which use that line, "Have you ever had that not so fresh feeling?" Actually, no. Being a man, I don't get that particular feeling too often. In fact, I can't relate at all to this product. I know there are guys out there though who have no idea what douche is, but they're thinking , "Hmm ... well, I don't really know what feeling she's talking about ... but on the other hand, I'd hate to feel not so fresh ... I better just go ahead and buy some douche."
Another favorite commercial of mine is the one for athlete's foot powder which actually shows the guy's foot on fire. The man's foot is on fire. If your feet are on fire and your still alive, you're way past foot powder. You might want to look into an exorcist to get that checked out. Forget fungal infections, that's more like demonic possession.
Toilet paper too has ads I don't understand at all. They've always got little puppies running around, snugly kittens playing with cute little babies. Am I using toilet paper wrong? Does anyone else get this effect when they use toilet paper? My grandfather comes out of that bathroom, and boy, you sure ain't gonna have no little kittens rollicking in there afterwards, for at least twenty minutes. The guy is like a walking toilet paper addict -- he's using about three rolls a day. Get him after a good meal, light a match baby, and starting rolling that camera; you've just lined up commercials for the rest of the night.
And I'm talking more than feeling, "not so fresh."
