Going to the movies is getting expensive now. I went to a show the other day. It was like $35 for a pack of gummi-bears. Man, I could go to the pet store and buy a real bear for that much.
Candy prices are so high now there's a candy black-market. Swear to God. There were dealers all outside in the theater parking lot. A dude came up to me when I was buying the ticket. I thought he was selling drugs; he was like, "Pssst ... what's up man? Come here for a sec, check this out ... you wanna buy some ju-ju-fruit? I got real high quality candy, you can't get better Junior Mints anywhere on the street. C'mon man, I ain't got much time, an usher is gonna see us."
Families were walking by with their kids, "All right children, c'mon now, don't look at the candy man. Just keep walking."
And whenever a Disney movie comes out at the theater, it's the same thing every time. You always see a whole bunch of little kids waiting in line for the ticket, then there's always that one real tough-looking guy who's there with his girlfriend because she likes Disney movies. The guy is like 6'3", 240 pounds; he's embarrassed he's there, he's trying to play it down to save his rep, saying things real loud like, "Yeah, that's right; I'm bad, I'm bad. I kicked Peter Pan's ass once. What are y'all lookin' at? I'm a real bad man. Me and Pocahontas used to be sleepin' together, I had to break it off though. Yeah, I've been with all them cartoon ladies."
Last time I was in the theater too, they weren't just selling candy. Check this out -- they had a condom vending machine in the bathroom. What the ... ? Can't it wait till you get home from the movies? Where are condoms gonna be poppin' up next, as Cracker Jack prizes? "Hey kids, free prize inside every box. Just save it for another ten years; you'll probably find it more useful then."
And like I would really ever trust a condom that came from a vending machine. Those generic-looking packages they're all wrapped in. C'mon, please ... You know they all gotta be made of that same cheap plastic they make Ziploc bags out of. You'd tear those condoms just by looking up the word "penis" in the dictionary.
Condom selection is huge now, though; all different kinds, different colors, ones that are "Ribbed For Her Pleasure." I'd be too embarrassed to ever buy any condom that actually said, "Ribbed For Her Pleasure." There'd always be a sense of failure when you ask the pharmacist for the ribbed, "Sorry, she wasn't getting enough pleasure before. I need the ribbed; I just wasn't getting the job done for her."
Of course, if that still isn't enough, man, maybe the problem isn't just with the condom. You might want to forget the condoms altogether and just rent her a handsome muscular man for the evening. Maybe he'd have more success than you.
I guess one of the big purposes of the condom is to avoid having kids. Or you could get your tubes tied. Honestly, I really have no clue what's actually involved in having your tubes tied. Is that really the clinical term, "tied?" Doctors actually "tie" the tubes? It sounds like a Boy Scout Merit Badge for learning knots. The Slip Knot, the Bow Knot, the Tube-Tying Square Knot, Whittling ...
So the next time you're thinking about what type of protection to use, just remember this: out there, somewhere, someplace, maybe even in your very own town, there's a Boy Scout whose one and only dream is to get that knot-tying merit badge. Satisfy that dream, make the right choice and help him out.
