Last weekend was my parent's wedding anniversary. I read somewhere that the gift for the first year anniversary is paper. Does that seem right, paper? So, you get married and you get a diamond ring, one year later all you're getting is a notebook? What's the six- month anniversary gift, Pez?
Before you go off and get married though, you have to date for a while. Unless of course you just skip completely over dating, and get a mail order bride. I can't believe this service actually exists. With the mail order bride its possible that your future wife could actually come in the same mail delivery as the wedding gifts themselves. That must be a pretty special moment.
And you know there have to be guys out there thinking, "Well I dunno, is the bride delivered right to my doorstep, or am I gonna have to go pick her up somewhere? I missed the whole first half of the football game the last time I had to pick my bride up."
I think getting married is a big step, but its an even bigger step having kids. Especially for the husband. You get a couple kids and suddenly your wife's a mother. You're kids call her "Mom": every day in the house, mom this, mom that. And this is the woman you have to sleep with in the same bed every night. That mom thing has gotta get weird after awhile. It's almost incestuous.
Married people without kids always say things like, "Oh, we're planning on having children sometime." So casual, its like they're were talking about planning to go to the dentist. "Hey honey, how does a baby sound? Do you want to plan to do that sometime next week? Let me just write that down here...miracle of life, next Thursday, after lunch, then I've got to go pick up the shirts from the cleaners." It's always difficult for me to imagine getting married and having kids. Especially when you have to tell your kids about sex and puberty. My parents would never give me straight answers about sex, they were always speaking in these metaphors I couldn't understand. I asked my father what sex was when I was a little kid and he said, "Sex is like riding a bicycle, its just takes practice." I always thought that's what sex was, riding a bicycle. I thought I'd been having sex in the driveway and on my paper route since the third grade.
I'm gonna to do that with my kids. My son will be totally unprepared. He'll be with a girl for the first time, she'll be in lingerie, and he'll be in bed with spandex shorts and a bike helmet.
You can't forget mothers though, they're always very protective of their children. When I was growing up I couldn't see any movie with nudity. My mom didn't even want me to see myself naked. I had to close my eyes when I was getting changed. Most little guys my age had Playboy magazines, I had to start off with a Playgirl -- I'm looking at naked men thinking, "Oh, so that is what I look like with no clothes on."
A lot of older married couples buy self-help books like the Joy of Sex. These books are helpful I guess. They always suggest using food as an aphrodisiac in bed. Man, I don't understand this. I mean I've tried food before, it doesn't work for me. We're in bed together, she's got the barbecue out, she's cooking up steaks. I'm in my underwear making side dishes and boiling potatoes. That's not sexy. I can't even hear what she's saying over the blender. And we've got a Julia Child's cooking video playing in the background. I love Julia, but damn, if anything, ol' Julia is more of a turn off than a turn on.
You know I'm kidding, right? I'm gonna stop with this article right here before you get the wrong impression of me. If you've got anymore questions in the bedroom you might want to ask Julia; cuz I hear the kitchen ain't the only room she knows her way around in. If you can dig what I'm sayin'.