I just read about another hick getting abducted by aliens from his trailer in backwoods Kentucky. Why do aliens keep abducting these people? Talk about bad representation for the human race. I don't think Jethro and the boys are who I want speaking for me to the UFOs. The aliens are all up there now planning the invasion, "Okay, if we knock out their satellite access to NASCAR racing, they'll be powerless."
The abductions are always the same story. A group of alien beings holding the abductee down and administering a battery of anal probes. It sounds like a bad prison experience. I think we'll find out in a few years that the extra-terrestrial beings are really all six-foot 3, 250-pound ex-cons named Bubba.
Many women abductees believe they are impregnated by the alien beings. These aliens may be super-intelligent beings, but there is some freaky sh*t going on in those ships. Anal probes, impregnation. It's like they're filming an intergalactic porno. What would an alien impregnation be like? Is dinner involved? Maybe a movie? Does the alien put on music? If the mother ship is rockin', don't come a knockin'. Creepy.
I think if aliens did actually land on Earth, it would just be a disappointment. Too many people have seen "Star Trek." They'd come down in their ships, and we'd all be like, "What? That's it? You gotta be kidding me. Where are the photon beams? I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to ask you to turn around and go back if you can't deliver some plutonium rays."
Actually, I think everyone is so busy now that most people would just consider an alien invasion a big inconvenience. The space ships would be hovering over Southern California, and the aliens would announce that Earth will be destroyed if their demands are not met. People would be saying, "All right, look, my schedule is pretty booked up. I think I may be able to squeeze you and Zanzanar in for lunch next Tuesday if you want. Maybe get a pasta salad, talk about your demands."
Aliens are popular now, but those old-school monsters don't hit the scene as much as they used to. Frankenstein, vampires. Never hear about them. One thing I've noticed about vampires is their age. They're always younger. Mid-20s, early 30s. You never see an elderly vampire. The elderly can't stay up that late. My grandfather goes to bed at five in the afternoon. He could never survive as a vampire.
"Yeah, all right, suck your blood. OK, sure, yeah. Hey listen, I'm getting tired, I think I'm gonna hit the coffin early tonight. Maybe I'll get a bran muffin or something before I go into undead sleep."
Besides, my grandfather can't go more than two hours without having to use the bathroom. He'd sneak into someone's bedroom at night while they were asleep, and in that Dracula voice be like, "I want to suck your blood, to give you eternal ... oh, boy ... this is, uhh ... this is so embarrassing. But, um ... do you have a bathroom I could use?"
And who's afraid of the Werewolf? I wouldn't even mind being a Werewolf; it's really not that bad a deal. He's only a wolf on the full moon. That's only one night a month. The gardening club has a bigger time commitment than that.
When I was a little kid, I was scared by monsters, though. I couldn't sleep at night. Very insecure about everything. Even during the day at school. I think it was because of my guidance counselor. We had to meet with him once a month. I asked him once what I should do if I were in a fight. He told me to "fake an attack of diarrhea." I told him I was having difficulty expressing intimacy with my partner. He told me to "fake an attack of diarrhea." That was his advice for everything.
I'll tell you what's really scary. Real life freaks me out. Sex is scary. Diseases are out there, and they keep changing into new diseases. I'm just waiting for a new strain of herpes to arrive that's like that little nasty creature in the movie "Alien" that pops out of your chest. You come back from a date all bloody, with a big black eye. "Man, what happened?" "She had herpes. It attacked me in the middle of dinner. It kicked my ass. It was worse than a battery of anal probes."
But don't even worry about that. It's spring, you're young, enjoy yourself. And if any problems come up, I think you know what kind of attack to fake.
