Saving the planet is definitely becoming a popular cause to support. I was shaving the other day, and I noticed the can of shaving cream said: "Contains No CFCs, Which Deplete the Ozone Layer." Well, that's good to know. The Ozone Layer is definitely tops in my mind first thing in the morning when I'm trying to get a close, comfortable shave. Just wait a minute and you can ask me about fossil fuel depletion while I'm brushing my teeth.
That's how bad the world is now -- that products like Shaving Cream are going out of their way to tell us how they're NOT causing problems. It's like shampoo bottles having labels like, "The Strife in Bosnia? We Had Nothing to Do With That. Don't Even Try and Pin That Off on Us, We just make Shampoo."
Animal rights is a big issue too. I tell you one animal whose rights are being trampled on, that's the lobster. Lobster is the only food that you can buy from the store alive, and they expect you to kill it yourself. That doesn't strike people as strange. Think about that a moment: If I went to a store and they had me killing my own cows for beef, I'd think about shopping somewhere else.
Boiling the lobster alive too -- you'd think you could at least take it to the vet and have them put the lobster to sleep. Or let the lobster have a fighting chance, give it a weapon or something, maybe it can fight its way out of the tank.
Dolphin-Safe tuna is also becoming more popular. I'm sure I've had Dolphin- Unsafe tuna before, though. I don't know what's worse, that a dolphin accidently got caught or that there's a possibility that I've eaten dolphin when I thought I was having tuna. What else is accidently mixed up in tuna? If tuna starts hitting shelves with slogans like, "Dead Mob Hit Victims That Got Tossed in the Ocean-Safe Tuna," I'd start thinking about maybe having the ham and cheese for lunch.
Another issue is cutting down the rainforest. Which is basically another way of saying the rainforest is going bald. A lot of older men go bald, and many wear a toupee. That's what the rainforest needs, a giant fake-looking toupee. That way everyone could walk around and pretend they couldn't tell the difference between the rainforest toupee and the real thing. Wouldn't that be great? And we could all look the other way too when the balding rainforest started getting saggy older man breasts and back hair.
After all, everybody has to live on this planet together. We just need to start getting along. I'm speaking directly to the people who are lactose-intolerant. They just don't tolerate lactose, can't stand to have it around. That's just wrong. I say live and let live -- if we can't even get along with our lactose, how can we expect to achieve world peace? We have to begin to tolerate our lactose, before we can even think about solving the problems in Bosnia. We can learn a lot from lactose.
So anyway, does it all really matter? Every now and then I get the feeling that the entire planet is just a big joke. Like Earth is just some Junior Science Kit that God gave his kid for a birthday present.
We're probably just like Sea Monkeys; we'll find out the entire universe is just sitting on the kid's desk at home next to his stereo. We're all trying to save the planet, but really the most important thing is that the kid doesn't wise up and just ask for a bike on his next birthday.
