The first week of the term has come and gone. That's one more week that I'm further past my sexual prime. Isn't it something like men reach their sexual peak at 18, and women don't peak until 30? Why did God have to do us like that? For a guy, when you hit 25 you might as well retire from the bedroom. You're practically elderly by then.
That's when you're eligible for Sexual Security Benefits. You get a check in the mail each week. Most guys I know aren't taking advantage of their peak years either. Infants have a better sex life -- at least they're breast-feeding.
I decided never to read any sex surveys either, I always feel too inadequate after. You know the ones I mean, with facts like, "45 percent of men have had sex with three or more partners in the last week." Who are these surveys interviewing, Caligula? These guys are spending more time sleeping with people then I am just plain sleeping. I don't even fill the car up with gasoline three or more time a week.
Sex surveys are always packed with information too. Apparently a large percentage of couples use ice cubes prior to their love-making. I can understand this maybe for women, but why do guys agree to this? For a man, freezing-cold ice and being naked don't complement each other; and I think we all know why. A naked man just doesn't look his best in the cold. Men should be steering clear of the ice pack. Try and implement a wood-stove or something, get a couple of quartz heaters in bed with you. Cold, bad; warm, good -- it's a simple formula.
I wouldn't mind being a survey guy, though. They seem to be getting busy. I'd always brag about it. I'd be filling out a resume for a job and under that line that asks about extracurricular activities I'd put things down like, "In my spare time? Well, I enjoy unprotected sex with multiple partners. You may have read about some of my work in several important surveys."
I'll probably fill out a resume like that sometime. Just for some job I don't care if I get or not. Just totally blow of the whole process. At the interview when they ask me what my greatest strength is I'll just say something like, "Well, I'd have to say my greatest strength is probably my bench press ... although I'm pretty strong in the bicep curl too."
Little kids don't understand the resume process. When you're a little kid, there's only about two or three jobs you want to get when you get grow up; basically it's like Professional Athlete or a Fireman. That's it. You don't hear little kids saying things like, "When I grow up I want to be the guy that puts air freshener cakes in the urinals of men's bathrooms."
Another less popular future profession choice among little kids is probably Porn Star. I used to think I could never be a porn star because I'd be too embarrassed if someone I knew like my Mom or my Grandmother ever saw me in one of my movies late at night. How humiliating would that be? But I mean really, what would your Grandmother be doing up late at night watching pornos?
Realistically, the senior citizen center would probably squeeze the hardcore porn in earlier in the evening; sometime before the bingo and knitting. I know for a lot of elderly people there's nothing more erotic then watching some intense porn right before a game of Parcheesi.
Man, looking back on what I just wrote I really hope my grandmother or her friends don't read this paper. Damn that would be embarrassing. With all that porn watching, though, they probably don't have time to do too much reading.
Unless of course it's a cheap Hustler while they're waiting for their dentures to soak.
