Dating is a difficult subject. I went on a date recently. I read in this book somewhere that you can tell exactly how a person feels about you by their body language. For example, leaning forward is a good body sign because it shows interest. I think it would be easier for everyone involved if instead of looking for all the subtle physical body language signs, each person had a few actual paper signs. You could hold the signs up during the date. That simplifies things. You're eating dinner and periodically she just holds up a sign like, "You seem like a nice guy," or "These asparagus tips are quite tasty." Of course guys would just have one sign, "Sex?" Every five minutes they would hold it up again and again.
That's the problem with dating, everything is so confusing. Sex in general is a very difficult topic. This probably goes back to the way in which we're taught about the subject. In my middle school, our sexual education classes were taught by our gym teacher. Which makes sense: Kickball, capture the flag, premature ejaculation; I can see where they all have a lot in common.
Is a gym teacher really who you want to learn about sex from? The guy with the hiked up athletic shorts, and whistle? Now I may not know all the different sexual techniques, but I'm pretty sure that using a whistle during sex isn't the preferred method. I may be wrong on this one though.
While I'm on the subject, another thing that freaked me out about my gym teacher was that he called all the guys "son." He'd say things like, "Come here son, give me 10 pushups." I always used to think, "Son? When did I become his son? Does Dad know about this? There are like 20 kids in the class, how did he sleep with all those women? Its gotta be the whistle, I knew there was more to that whistle than he was telling me about."
Another point of confusion in romance is that many of the terms associated with sex aren't even in English. Like the phrase, "Menage-a-trois", which is French and basically translates to, "Hey, look at me, I'm naked with two other people." Men have enough pressure to get the job done in the bedroom even in English, now we've got to be bilingual too? "Hey baby, turn down the light, close the door, oh, and bring the French-English dictionary. We might need that too."
Ok, and I've heard too that some guys, in certain situations, might possibly have trouble getting the hook of the bra undone in the back. That the first sexual test I think for guys. In fairness to men, those bra hooks are always so complex. They can't just be velcro, there are always like eight separate hooks, infra-red beams, a motion detector. You'd need a butane torch and welding glasses just to get the bra off. Its almost like women are giving us a sexual Darwin Survival Of the Fittest SAT test. This isn't really the time I want to solve some sort of complex mind puzzle -- in bed, in my underwear. Einstein wouldn't test well under those conditions. We can send a man to the moon, and we still haven't been able to figure out the hook on the bra. That's amazing to me. Someone should tell Congress to wake up. All that NASA funding has been totally misplaced.
Men don't have anything confusing in their underwear because they know women would give up too easily. She would be like, "A zipper? What is that button fly? Well, I give up, I don't know how to get that open. Why don't we just talk for a while?" Men want to get their clothes of as quickly as possible. Some guys have got the clapper set up to their clothes. They clap twice and they're standing there butt naked.
Compared to others in the animal kingdom though, humans actually have romance and sex rather easy. I was watching a nature show recently about the praying mantis. After a female praying mantis mates with a male she actually kills him by biting his head off. This is true. Which explains why you never see praying mantis men in the locker room the next day talking about what happened with their girlfriends last night. "The sex was great, but then she tried to bite my head off."
Imagine if humans did this? Safe sex would have a whole new meaning for guys. Forget the condom, guys would be bringing guns and brass knuckles to bed. Right after sex, the guy would be jumping up out of bed, "C'mon, you wanna piece of me? Try and kill me? Bring it on, I'm ready!!"
So in conclusion, my advice is, the next time you're in an awkward sexual situation, remember the praying mantis, and be grateful that the worst humans have to deal with is an occasional sprained hand from trying to get that bra hook off. I think you, and your head, will be thankful.
