Is higher learning responsible for our gem of a language, or has too much isolation and beer seriously damaged our sanity? Let's look at some scenarios in which Dartspeak is used outside of the bubble and decide for ourselves.
Scenario 1
Jack and Jill started dating as Dartmouth undergraduates and later got married. They're at a snazzy cocktail party for the consulting firm that Jack just started working for. The young couple makes small talk.
Co-worker: You kids look so sharp together. How did you meet?
Jack: Well, I actually met Jill in the libs. She was a bit of a first floor Berry whore and got a lot of facetime studying there. I would see her all the time on my way to the stacks and thought she looked pretty cute, but I was too nervous to ask her out for a while.
Jill: He didn't really ask me out, though. He just asked me on a pong date, which I thought was pretty sketchy, but since he was good-looking I figured I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. He was still a little shy after our first date, but he was really good at flitzing. Jack's a pretty witty guy.
Jack: The next week our houses had 'tails and Jill was wearing some amazing flair. I asked her to play pong with me but she said that she was going on a circuit with her girlfriends.
Jill: I saw Jack later that night at a dance party. I was really embarrassed because I had slipped earlier that night and gotten frat juice all over my tutu. I felt like such a soil. Jack didn't seem to mind, he said that he was pretty impressed that I kept raging after my fall. That's when I knew he was the one.
Jack and Jill commit several faux pas in this dialogue. Dartspeak should not be used in formal conversation for several reasons. First, it will undoubtedly be misconstrued unless all subjects are from the Dartmouth community. Second, most terms in the Dartspeak lexicon are associated with illicit activities and thus not appropriate for a professional setting. Most importantly, references to Dartmouth's image-obsessed culture, especially those that sound more vulgar than their connotation i.e. first floor Berry whore are unflattering and should be avoided.
Scenario 2
Bart is in a job interview for an advertising agency.
Interviewer: I see that you have impressive academic credentials. However, for this job you will need more than just book smarts. We need a guy who can get us out of some tough situations when the occasion calls for it. How do I know that you can be that guy?
Bart: Well, sir, I can assure you that I'm good at getting out of tough situations. I don't want to self-call or anything, but I once outran both S&S and H-Po on the same night. The first time, S&S was breaking up a party and I had to literally climb over a 'shmob to get out of there. One of the 'shmen was leaning over to boot, so I used him as a kind of lever to launch myself over the rest. A few hours later I had just done the Ledyard Challenge when H-Po came. I had to sprint through the woods with no clothes or shoes on. Even though I've had a couple run-ins with those guys, I've never even had to go to diversions!
By using the expression "self-call," Bart highlights the fact that he is parading his achievements. It is more socially acceptable to advertise one's accomplishments without indicating that this is one's intention. Bart enhances this negative first impression by following this inappropriate introduction with a string of phrases that are unintelligible to the general population.
You might get by for the next two years babbling about facetime and frat juice, but once you leave Hanover your "campus-celebrity" status will no longer protect you. You may look smart on paper, you may even look smart in person. But you'll sound like an idiot. Dartmouth students need to honestly examine what they are saying rather than allowing themselves to get caught up in the Dartspeak culture of "self-calls" and "facetime." It's nice to pretend that rules don't apply to us, but at some point we will have to face reality.
