Freak of the Week: Clueless

Dear Freak of the Week,

I met this guy at the beginning of sophomore summer. We’ve made out like three times but he says he won’t sleep with me because he “respects me,” but at the same time wants a summer fling. I’d be down for a non-emotional summer fling if it was physical but it’s barely even that. What is this? What does this mean? What does he want? Is it weird that he hasn’t asked me out on a date yet? I think he’s clueless.

Sincerely,

Clueless

We all have different opinions of when we should sleep with someone. It is very personal and can be based on any number of factors, including upbringing, religion and past experiences. It seems like the person that you’re seeing isn’t ready to take that step, which is a very fair choice. My guess is that he is using the “respects you too much” as a cover for the fact that he is either a little nervous or just wants to take his time. I wouldn’t take this as a red flag. Based on your submission, it seems like you just want meaningless sex. This is very fair, but it clearly might not be something that our friend here is interested in. If you’re not getting what you want, have a talk with him about it. 

What confuses me slightly about your submission is that you say you want a “non-emotional summer fling,” but then you also ask if it’s weird that he hasn’t asked you out on a date yet. Maybe our definitions of a non-emotional summer fling are different, but to my understanding, such flings don’t usually include dates, mostly just meet-ups. If you are waiting for him to take you on a date, I would imagine there’s some kind of emotional investment.

You ask what he wants — it honestly sounds like you should take a second and evaluate what you want. Do you want someone attractive to have sex with and nothing else? Do you want someone that will also take you on dates? Do you want something in between? Once you figure this out, you can determine how you’re going to approach a conversation with him. If you want to keep seeing him, you could say something like, “I wouldn’t feel disrespected if we have sex; I want to. However, I understand if you’re nervous about that.” If he isn’t on the same page, you can break it off and find someone that aligns better with what you’re looking for.

Long story short, I really wouldn’t think too much about what he wants, per se. He is probably just nervous or confused. The best thing you can do is lock in on your priorities and make sure that you are in a situation that meets your wants and needs. Good luck!

- Eli

You have a lot of questions, so I think it would be useful to take a step back. Your situation is common and completely normal! Clueless men are everywhere. Some call it an epidemic. I’m going to advise that instead of trying to dissect what he’s thinking, communicate what you want. If you want a non-emotional summer fling, should you really be upset that he hasn’t asked you out on a date? If you want something deeper, let him know. And it doesn’t have to be you asking him on a date. Next time you see him, you could casually bring up the idea of seeing each other during the daytime.

If it’s really just a summer fling you want — and he wants it too — then I think you’re on the right track already. Him respecting you doesn’t mean that the relationship still can’t be physical. There could be a billion different reasons for him saying that, which, again, you can’t know for sure until you talk to him. 

Two final things. 1. You have only known him for a week! Who knows where this could go? 2. You have the gift of five weeks left in the term to see what you want out of this relationship. Talk to him and have fun with it. If you’re concerned about him not asking you out on a date yet, it seems like you like him on a deeper level than you would a meaningless summer fling, and that’s not something to avoid, just something to observe and acknowledge. 

- Leila

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