As much as I should have called it a wrap after Monday's drubbing of Schmidley, I just couldn't resist penning one final column before I leave the friendly confines of Hanover. And you thought I had run out of things to say, didn't you? Apparently, I did. In lieu of my usual column, I have decided to answer some of my readers' most-pressing e-mails. No, I didn't make these up.
I took your advice and heckled my professor. Yeah, turns out that wasn't the best idea. Now, he's threatening to fail me. What should I do? --Matt '11
Oh, freshman. A true heckle can cause someone to cower into submission. Don't stop just because he has threatened you with academic failure. Heckle harder until he relents. And at the very worst, it's just one failed class. You'll still have time to make it up.
What are your thoughts on the Yankees' slow start? I don't think a golden thong is going to help this team. --President Wright
You must be enjoying yet another slow start in the Bronx. It's no secret our president is a Red Sox fan. I can even remember him checking the score of a Yankees-Red Sox affair during matriculation four years ago. But don't worry, the Yanks will be okay. I hear Steinbrenner is giving each player a personal pair of women's underwear. Once the team no longer has to share the good luck, they'll hit their stride.
What's the proper etiquette for telling a friend that he just isn't very good at golf? Can I do it over blitz? --John '08
So that's how you tell me? Harsh.
Hi Alex. My boyfriend and I just got into a huge fight. He thinks your columns are stupid, so I dumped him. Are you available? --Alyssa '10
I really appreciate the interest, Alyssa. But you probably should not have ended your relationship on account of me -- it's about as bad an idea as buying a personal keg for your room. Okay, that's a lie. Either way, I'll be out of this place in a few weeks -- you don't want me.
Hodes, what am I going to do without you next year? I know I've given you a lot of crap over the years, but don't go. --Jack '09
Sorry, Jack, I don't think my future employers are going to let me hang around next year. Don't worry though, you'll be fine without me.
If you could change one thing about your time at Dartmouth, what would it be? --Mom
It figures that my mom would ask such a sentimental question. This one is easy though -- I would have started going to the gym freshman year. I bet you would not have guessed from my chiseled physique that I only just started hitting up the gym this term. No joke. At the start of every term, I would tell myself that I would make use of the gym and get in shape, but every term I wouldn't make good on my promise. But it's never too late to get started.
I take offense to the allegation that I was too busy losing pong tournaments to write my columns. You're no better than Mike Mayock in my book. --Will '08
Schmids, stay out of my column. And for the record, you did lose in the first round of this term's house tournament. Don't think you're living this one down anytime soon.
You're a jerk, you know that? I still can't believe you thought I took pong too seriously. So what if I enjoy a bit of harmless competition, what's the big deal? --Overly Competitive '11
Long time, isn't it? If it's any consolation, that column probably generated more feedback than anything else I have written at Dartmouth. I guess that sort of illustrates my basic point -- Dartmouth students take pong too seriously. Still, I am sorry that I was never able to collect on our bet. Maybe next time.
Triple Crown? --Mary '10
I've got high hopes for Big Brown, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. The Triple Crown has not been completed in 30 years for a reason. Running three races in five weeks is tough, and Big Brown will certainly have his work cut out for him against a better-rested field.
Have you noticed the inverse relationship between Dartmouth Dining Services' prices and the quality of the food and service? Why doesn't the college do something about this injustice? --Jason '08
Have I ever. It is absurd that over the past four years, the quality of DDS has gone down while the prices have gone up. I wouldn't care, except that the College forces us to purchase meal plans. Shoot, I'd be more than happy to eat off-campus every night if given the opportunity. Dartmouth really needs to get its act together here.
Any last bits of advice before you graduate? --Prospective '12
Sure. Get acquainted with the luxury stall in lower level Carson. Spend at least one night on the Canoe Club couches without worrying about your bar tab. Take a road trip. And memorize the patterns of the traffic lights on Main Street. I guess that about covers it.
See you on the other side of the bubble.
