Walking on Eggshells: WOE is decadent and depraved
After making waves in the equestrian community last week (I bought one of those sweet "Ride This" t-shirts outside Food Court, for all who were wondering), it seems only fitting that as you read this column, I will be making my way 15 hours southwest to Louisville, Ky., for the 133rd running of the Kentucky Derby. I kid you not. WOE would like to remind its readers to watch and bet on the Derby on Saturday, May 5, and see if you can spot me doing my best Hunter S. Thompson impression with two-fifths of Old Crow in one hand and a pen and notepad in the other. I'll be wandering somewhere in the midst of the tens of thousands of drunkards and social miscreants packed into the infield, so good luck. But remember, the only reason I'm going is for the good of WOE -- I plan to be the first Dartmouth journalist to bring exclusive on-site coverage of the Kentucky Derby. And if that doesn't work out, at least I'll have some good stories.
Back by popular demand, this week's Jerkstore of the Weekend Award goes to none other than ESPN's top draft-dodger and analyst, Mel Kiper, Jr. Even before the first round of the draft was over, it was clear that Mel was working furiously at the ESPN desk assessing each team's "grades" for their draft picks. I don't know whether my offhand comment about his greasy hair had anything to do with his bad mood, but Mel apparently felt that not one NFL team managed to draft to the best of its ability, and gave out zero A's. Not even an A-. In fact, Mel only gave out a handful of B+'s this year, and something tells me the low grades were a result of the teams not following Mel's handy-dandy draft preview that had Brady Quinn going in the top three (instead of No. 22 overall) and Ted Ginn nowhere near the No. 9 spot. People don't remember grades, Mel, they remember staring into your beehive-hairdo for eight hours of draft day. Lose the gel.
Moving on to bigger and better things in the sports world, I'll go back to my bread and butter and give out some awards. Awards:
Senior Citizen of the Weekend: El Duque, SP, New York Mets
The poor Mets. Just when the sun looked like it was finally going to shine on their Double-A ballpark, also known as Shea Stadium, they get hit with a double whammy of injuries. Orlando Hernandez, a.k.a. El Duque, complained of soreness in his throwing shoulder and was diagnosed with arthritis by doctors in New York. "His records show that he's 38 years old, but his shoulder looks like that of a 60-year-old man," said one doctor. "It's amazing to think that he's not even forty, especially when he kept telling me stories about how he was rescued from Cuba by the Yankees on his 55th birthday." El Duque has been put on the 15-day disabled list by the Mets, who will expect him to return to the starting rotation just as soon as his replacement, the infamous Chan Ho Park, is brought up from Triple-A and proceeds to start three games, give up 21 runs and 11 homers in a combined four and one-thirds innings of work, sparking a 15-game losing streak.
Exhibition of the Weekend: Federer vs. Nadal on half-clay, half-grass
I might be driving to Kentucky right now, but that won't stop you from tuning in to see Roger Federer play Rafael Nadal on a custom made half-clay, half-grass tennis court at Palma de Mallorca in the Balearic Islands today. Organizers apparently needed only 19 days and $1.63 million to erect the customized facility in Nadal's homeland of Mallorca. As far as WOE can tell, this is the first time such a court has been erected, and it should be great entertainment seeing the world's best on clay play against the world's best on every other surface you can possibly think of. A must watch.
Jail time of the Weekend: Tank Johnson, DT, Chicago Bears
All of the faithful WOE readers out there cannot forget one of WOE's favorite sports personalities, Tank Johnson, the only person ever to receive three awards in consecutive weeks. Certainly that feat alone would put anyone on the map, but imagine WOE's surprise when Tank pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor weapons charge on Monday, which carries with it a 45-day sentence. Luckily, Tank is already in jail, and the 45 days can easily be served concurrently with his ongoing four-month sentence in Cook County Jail for violating his parole. Let's hope he returns to the Bears at playing weight, minus the rounds of ammo tucked under his pads.