Walking on Eggshells: Someone Has My White Jacket

by Rob Esposito | 4/18/07 8:36am

Seriously, before I start this week, I just want whoever took my white jacket at the Kappa Fire Drill this past Sunday night to give it back. It was Irish linen for God's sake, and I know whoever you are, you probably don't wear a 46 long, so just give it back, jerk.

Moving along, I was inspired by the Dartmouth figure skating team. Four straight national championships is nothing to sneer at, even though there are only a handful of schools who find it necessary to field a figure skating team. That being said, I think every Dartmouth sports team should be bringing home some hardware, and with the recent downturn Dartmouth athletics seems to have taken this spring, I've come up with a handy list of excuses each team can use in case someone decides to call them out for losing. Enjoy:

Baseball:

The baseball team is 5-19-1. Not exactly a stellar season for the Big Green ball players, but at least they can blame some of the losses on constant rain-outs and extended travel time. As an admitted homer, I'll go ahead and give them the benefit of the doubt, but something tells me the losses won't stop along with the miserable weather we've been having.

Crew:

The men's and women's crew teams have just begun their spring races, and they have yet a little while before Sprints and IRAs prove just how good (or bad) they are this season. Losing by 19 seconds to Yale, however, is never a good way to start the racing season, so I'm going to blame the coxswains for this year's losing.

Equestrian:

The riders of Dartmouth have quietly been having a decent season. After winning their first show of the spring, rumors have circulated about team slacking, and the team's last place finish at the Zone Championship only added fuel to the fire. You have to blame the horses for the losses, but if you are so inclined, you can cheer the team on this Friday, April 21, at the Ivy League Championship. And I know how many of you like to see horses jump over painted logs placed at moderate heights, so get there early.

Men's Lacrosse:

Well, its just not the lacrosse team's year. They have a young squad of under-experienced players, and they have one of the hardest schedules in the country. Those sound like pretty good excuses to me. They're sitting at 4-4 right now with a string of crucial Ivy League games on the way, so let's hope the recent 17-3 blowout loss to Cornell was just an unhappy accident. And even if the season gets ugly, the Theta Delt Pig Roast this spring will probably be the best party ever, so don't fret.

I'm going to have to stop, not because there aren't more spring sports teams (hi tennis and softball), but because I'm running out of material. So let's give out a couple of awards:

Suckers of the Weekend: Los Angeles Dodgers

Jason Schmidt, the Dodgers' biggest off-season acquisition and proud benefactor of a three-year, $47 million contract, has probably spent the last few months laughing harder than he ever has in his life. Schmidt has managed to pull off one of the biggest cons in baseball history after he duped several Dodgers scouts into convincing LA management he was worth nearly $50 million. Schmidt has gone 1-2 in his first three starts this season, posting a 7.36 ERA along the way. Currently, he is undergoing MRI exams to determine if he's just a huge faker or if he's really not that good.

Attempted Poisoning of the Weekend: Mike Woodson, Milwaukee Bucks head coach

It appears that the members of the Milwaukee Bucks have had enough of Mike Woodson and his losing ways. Among the league leaders in total tanked games this year, the Bucks (29-52) decided in a closed-door team conference to poison head coach Mike Woodson's dinner in hopes of forcing the organization to acquire new leadership. The attempt failed, however, and Woodson, who missed the final road game of the season in Atlanta Monday night (the Bucks lost 102-96 to the Hawks, in case you were wondering), looks to return to the bench as soon as possible. From his hospital bed, Woodson was quoted as saying, "I do not think the poisoning is intentional. I believe we are all on the same page as far as the team is concerned, and we all know what we need to do. Right now, we need to focus on losing the season finale to the Cavs to give ourselves a shot at a lottery pick we can quickly trade away and regret our decision for the rest of our lives."