It's winter in Hanover again, and for all of us trapped in the tumultuous midsection of our D-Plans, this means any of our more prudent, fortunate and survival-minded friends are gone. Some are even so fortunate as to be on off-campus programs, enjoying the cosmopolitan flavors of Morocco, Mexico and Middle America (this refers to, of course, our less-popular exchange program with Southern Illinois State School of Agribusiness, or SISSA-swap program).
It may seem only right to be jealous of their time in warmer climes, and this urge will only be made stronger when they -- as they doubtless will -- bombard us with smug e-mails about how amazing it is to swim with dolphins in crystal-bright waters (SISSA-swap participants excluded). However, before we fire back some bitter response about how we're freezing our arses off and we wish that the dolphins would just kill them, we need to remember something. Dolphins actually have been known to kill people.
Even worse, this is the kind of thing the average FSP student probably won't know, either. I'm not saying that they won't ever get the information -- before I went to Scotland last term, I got tons of information. I got Dickensian packets about protecting my health and loads of prolix flyers densely packed with eight-point warnings. With the exception of the information I was given directly by the department sponsoring my program (how to order coffee in Scotland), all of these things were unreadable.
The kinds of information packets I received generally had two major faults. First, they're trying to give the same information to people going places as different as Swaziland and Santa Barbara, Calif. These places do NOT have a lot in common, and so pamphlets that cover both end up as a collection of useless generalities. They say that people in other countries (or states) are different, and that you shouldn't do drugs -- basically a recap of fifth grade social studies the day when the D.A.R.E. officer came in.
Even worse, the good information in the packets is buried under paragraphs of pompous and boring filler. Almost every document begins with: "You are about to embark on one of the greatest adventures of your life," even if the flyer is about proper hand sanitation. If you gauge by the flyers I received, I've had more "greatest adventures of my life" than Indiana Jones. Don't get me wrong -- I know I've been lucky, but fighting Nazis alongside actress Alison Doody is not the same as washing your hands after a doody.
In all fairness, everyone should probably read these packets anyway. But c'mon. Come on! This is the Adderall generation, (wo)man. We do not have countless hours to spend poring over legalese, whitewashed, liability-reducing pages about how we should all wash our hands overseas. We need our information tracked, speed-reading ready, the important areas marked in bold-faced type and the word 'not' always, always capitalized. We need main ideas in less than 300 words.
So, for all of you who plan to see the world sometime before you leave the college on the hill forever, I've compiled a streamlined guide to having a good FSP. Here are the answers to the three most common and important questions from students going off-campus. Pay special attention to the bold-faced type, my fellow Adderall-junkies, and happy "foreigning" (SISSA-swap participants excluded)!
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How can I make people in other countries like me? Remember, nothing is more endearing than sheepish apologies if you don't know local languages or customs. A heavy sprinkling of jovial, awkward laughter also helps punctuate conversations in foreign languages. Imagine you are talking to an ex that you have not called or written in a long time, and that this ex is frustrated and hurt by your silence. Imagine you did not expect to run into them. The awkward chuckles should come easily. This, of course, does not apply in Paris, where the only thing people really find endearing is spending a truckload of money when fumbling with elementary French.
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Is there, like, a crash course on cultural sensitivity? I don't want to do the cultural equivalent of walking in on my grandmother changing.
Cultural sensitivity is all well and good, but it is more important to pay attention to the roads. Sometimes the friendliest cultures are the ones least attentive to the road -- these two things may even be correlated. Do not get run over, because many cultures find it very offensive for you to have idiotically walked in front of a bus.
- Are other countries dangerous? Safety is a construct of a weak psyche. Nonetheless, safety should almost always come somewhere between first and third. Don't drink unpurified water or pick any fights with large local animals. Beware the skeezy wharf-rat, the homeless guy who claims to be a foreign minister, and the well-traveled hosteller. These people have venereal diseases... or, like, they probably do.
