Men are From Mars

by Eric Del Pozo | 11/17/99 6:00am

The vast differences that exist between the sexes have always been well documented. Unfortunately, most of these documents have been lost, because they have been left under the care of men. History has proven that it is a very bad idea to leave anything important under the care of men, including money and children. On the other hand, as long as an item has remotely to do with sports, a man is constitutionally obliged to view it as the single most important and useful item ever created, since himself.

Woman: For good luck, I put a "Yankees" logo on this swarm of deadly hornets.

Man: We're down by four runs! Let me eat them.

This is your typical, every day kind of conversation between a male and a female. Even a man stuffed full to the brim with deadly hornets, however, is still extremely different from most women, and with good reason -- most women would never, under any circumstances, consume deadly hornets! Unless they saw that Gwyneth Patrow was consuming deadly hornets at the latest major Awards show, in which case they would strongly consider it, depending upon whether or not the hornets were designed by Ralph Lauren.

And so we notice a recurring theme in our studies: if you put a "Yankees" logo on your children, there is a good chance that your husband, if you have one, will attempt to eat them. But there is another theme, as well. And that is: men and women are not the same! Just how not the same, you ask? Well, that's what we, as journalists, are looking to find out. Bear in mind that we, as journalists, also once reported that Godzilla was a food group. ("You show us a monster, we'll show you a food group." That is our motto.)

Why am I so concerned with gender? Heck, why NOT be concerned? It is a public menace. It seems that everywhere you look these days, there are countless men and women. Take, for example, the television. Simply turn it on, and "voila!" (Literal translation: "It is turned on!") You will instantly see men and women. Hundreds of them, in fact. All crowding around your television set, in the hopes that you have cable. But these men and women are going to have to settle for German language documentaries on the Spotted Elk in Wartime, because that is just the kind of quality programming we get around here.

Theories on what most firmly separates the genders have been updated since twentieth century biologists discovered chromosomes. For instance, when a woman tells a man to go out and rent a nice romantic comedy, it is directly a result of chromosomes that the man will 98 percent of the time come home with "Terminator 2". Or, if he is feeling especially chromosomal, an entire professional ice hockey team. The reason for this: men have the all-important "Y" chromosome, which is the leading cause of questions such as "Y don't you think that Terminator 2 is romantic?" and "Y can't I drink beer with my son?" This revelation neatly paves the way for discussion of the single-most hotly debated topic having anything at all to do with gender: The Infamous Baby Changing Station.

For some reason, on the door of both men's bathrooms on the ground floor of the Hopkins Center are the words -- this is an actual fact -- "Baby Changing Station". Now, this implies a lot of things. Most notably, that some time during history, someone put those words up there, possibly as a practical joke. But also, that someplace, some time, there has to have been a man who had to "utilize the facilities," but found himself in possession of a baby. "How did I get this baby?" was probably his first question, but was soon forgotten when he discovered, through reading the door, that he could go inside and change the baby for anything he liked. He probably had visions of walking INTO the bathroom with an infant, but walking OUT with a Range Rover. And, as we have discussed, this is not the man's fault. "Y" would it "B?" (Ha! Get it?)

A friend of mine recently offered her own theory as to what delineates the boundaries between the sexes; it is a simple case of differing perspectives, she says. Which makes sense, if you think about it. Specifically, when most females look at the world, they are looking at it through the perspective of a female. On the other end of the spectrum, when I look at the world, I am looking at it through the perspective of none other than the late, great F. Scott Fitzgerald! Weird, huh? It is probably the effect of head injuries.

To sum up, we have learned several key new things regarding the almost unsolvable question of what makes men and women so different. One, I don't particularly want to change any babies, especially when I am utilizing the facilities. Two, those Pokemon characters you see all over might very well be a food group. Three, and most important, quick give me the hornets, the Yanks are in need of a big inning.