Many of you '99s out there are going to have to file a major card soon, so, in the interest of upholding social welfare and promoting decency and loving kindness, I present to you a small review of some of Dartmouth's more engaging departments. Enjoy!
SOCIOLOGY: Many sapient thinkers to be digested here, including Max Weber, Emile Durkheim and one of the Marx brothers -- Zeppo, I think. As its moniker implies, 'sociology' is the study of society, and yes, that IS a rather narrow topic. This should leave the motivated student with plenty of time to work on his or her racquetball game.
ART HISTORY: In this major students will progress from the Classic to the Byzantine, the Baroque to the Rococo, the Impressionist to the Expressionist. As these titles suggest, this is a fascinating area of discourse -- as the savvy Dartmouth undergrad should know, the more ism's in a department, the better. The Art History major also learns that, contrary to popular belief, you can get more abstract than a blank canvas, and make thousands of dollars for doing so.
MATHEMATICS: Many mathematicians are these days concerned with topology, which has something to do with the fact that a doughnut can never be a sphere, or something. Strictly for creative loners.
CLASSICS: Socrates, Themistocles, Cicero and why Jocasta would've made a great Ricki Lake guest. Vegetarians may want to avoid this major, as the FSP sends you to Greece, where the ubiquitous smell of lamb has been known to induce Hyperextensive Meat Trauma.
BIOLOGY: If original thinking just leaves you cold, while rote memorization sets your feet a-tapping, then this could be the major for you. Inexplicably, this major seems to attract a high percentage of pre-med students ... go figure.
GOVERNMENT: John Locke, "The Federalist Papers," and transnational institutionalization, and that's just in the first week. Unfortunately, while many professors in this department are capable of offering a shrewd critique of dictators, very few of them can actually tell you how to go about becoming a dictator, which, as far as I can tell, is the only good reason for studying public policy in the first place.
RELIGION: With texts of the Philosophy department, methodology fresh from fashionable lit-crit quarters and an attitude straight out of Dogmatism 101, the Religion department is the consummate Dartmouth hodgepodge. However, the prevailing analytic skepticism amongst the professors should put to rest any student gripes about a lack of uniformity within the department.
LINGUISTICS: "What is the phonological difference between a 'd' and a 't'?" Like me, you've probably asked yourself that question dozens of times. Well, the Linguistics department professors have the answer, as well as, strangely enough, an alarming number of speech impediments.
WOMEN'S STUDIES: Studies for women, by women, about women, with women, of women, through women, between, betwixt and among women. Most of the classes in this department end up preaching to the choir, when they really ought to be mandatory for every frat boy on campus with a testosterone complex and too much time and beer on his hands. And if you think Judith Butler writes convoluted, inscrutable nonsense, well, you're right.
CREATIVE WRITING: Be a poet! Write your first novel! Writhe in your own contrived self-indulgence for four years!
STUDIO ART: See Creative Writing.
ENGINEERING: This department has a reputation for giving its students a lot of work. But if you stick with the major long enough, eventually you'll get to design and build your own toy car.
PHYSICS: The best of both worlds -- the workload of the Engineering major, without any of the practical use after graduation. In addition, you'll learn the crucial difference between General and Special Relativity. Special Relativity is, in fact, a special case of General Relativity, which is more general. Neat, huh? Still, while most physics majors don't go on to become socially maladjusted pencil-pushers at CERN, all of them are now equipped to refute any pig-headed loon who asserts that gravity is just an electrostatic phenomenon, so in the end it's all worth it, isn't it?
ASIAN STUDIES: Asia is a big and diverse continent, so if you elect this major, be prepared to specialize. Or don't specialize. Hey, it's your life.
Well, I could go on and on, and on and on and on, but you've probably got the picture by now. So whip out that ORC, chat with that dean and select that major. Good luck, and may the Force be with you (cheap "Star Wars" reference to gain affection).
