Welcome first-year students!
I must say right away that this is the column I have been dreaming of writing since I was but a wee first-year lo those many years ago. Despite the passage of three years of college, in my mind's eye I still envision myself as an awkward, scraggly-bearded 18-year-old (although sometimes I also see myself as a middle-aged blonde woman). So my having finally become a senior here at Dartmouth seems absolutely absurd to me, a collective hallucination of the student body, but if you're all buying into the illusion, then so will I.
And now as a senior I can do what so many other bloated, arrogant columnists have done in the past: write an advice column for the first-years! And use lots of exclamation points! Even when they're totally inappropriate!
Before I go any further, I have to add that the moniker "first-year" just isn't going to cut the Big Green Mustard. "Freshmen." Remember that one? Before, of course, it became the root of all evil in the modern world.
So, anyway, I was about to bestow upon the freshmen a lot of useless, self-serving advice dressed up as wisdom because that's what we seniors do, right? We're UGAs and Older & Wisers and Trip Leaders and what have you, and we're just chock full of insight as to what makes this verdant campus tick.
Oh sure, a few of you might be wondering right now, "Isn't 21 years old an awfully young age at which to be giving advice? Aren't many 21-year-olds still emotionally immature, academically irresponsible and unable to commit to a healthy relationship?"
"Well, yes," answers the senior, brimming with sagacity, "that may be true, but unlike the freshmen, we can get into the frats." And there you have it!
For example, many of you bubbly little '00's (that's pronounced "zeroes," yes?) are probably pondering what classes you ought to take. Here's where an experienced senior's advice can really come in handy! We've taken it all: the guts, the grinds, the labs, the labors, the x-hours, the X-Files and the Interdisciplinary Non-Western Applied Natural Social Science. We can tell you which professors are good lecturers and which are boring; we can discern between the politically correct professors and the intellectually demanding ones; we can tell you which professors aren't utterly impressed with themselves at every moment of every day of their lives (none). As the crazy-wack funky skateboard punker-rave hip-hop radheads like to say, "Been there, done that!"
And yes, some of you freshlads and lasses are perhaps a little bit curious about the fabled Dartmouth Social Scene. Well, let me be the first to tell you that here at Dartmouth, we've got it all! The other day I was leafing through the "Fiske Guide to Colleges & Universities, 1997 Edition," and, according to them, the Dartmouth Greek system is so diverse as to include a frat for the "hippie types," one for the "computer jocks," and so on. And that's just the tip of the iceberg! Sure, fraternities may appear to be populated entirely by obnoxious, drunk, preppy-flannel chauvinists, but looks can be deceiving. Deep down, fratboys are as a sensible and delicate as fawns.
It wouldn't be fair to discuss the Greek system without mentioning the sororities and the co-eds.
Needless to say, Dartmouth isn't just classes and parties -- it's BlitzMail, too! So how many of you freshmen have already fashioned for yourself a nutty automatic reply-to? Have you started sending each other hilarious sound bites and dirty pictures yet? Ah, the joys of Orientation Week.
Dartmouth also has its fair share of political voices. I know, I know, a lot of you are probably pretty cynical about politicians these days -- you think they're all corrupt, self-important, clueless bureaucrats, but I'll have you know that here at Dartmouth politicians are ... well, they don't seem to be corrupt, anyway.
Some of you freshmen might even be inclined to join the political struggle, to throw your first-year muscle into the ideological fray. Super! The first thing you want to do is get some exposure for your cause, and there's no better way to do that then to become a columnist for this very paper! It's just 750 words of whatever thoughts are percolating in your cerebrum. Why, someday you might be the one giving advice to the freshmen.
Think about that!
