I attended a "discussion Monday night entitled, "Can We Talk?" The point of this event was to examine relationships between men and women at Dartmouth and to learn skills to improve those relationships. It became clear that as a campus we are asking the wrong questions about this issue.
The posters for this event posed a pair of questions: "Dating at Dartmouth?" and "Can Men and Women Really Be Friends?" These questions accurately reflect the manner in which the debate has heretofore been framed. In that sense the organizers of the discussion were right on in attacking questions that seem to plague students at the College.
The problem arises because both of these questions are the direct result of misconceptions. We further complicate matters in our attempts to answer these faulty questions as we conflate two separate issues and try to find one answer. They deserve individual attention.
The first question, "Dating at Dartmouth?" is a holdover from the paradigm of male/female relationships created during our parents' youth. Under this model, men and women go on a series of dates as they get to know each other. If the chemistry is right the couple might decide to "go steady." For a closer examination of this phenomenon I suggest careful viewing of Nick at Night, paying special attention to "The Patty Duke Show."
Phrased in that manner it seems completely absurd that we might apply this view of interaction among men and women to Dartmouth. Still, it is hard to escape. It is encouraged by everyone from my mother to Robert Fiske, author of the famous guide to colleges. My mother asks if I have a date for Tubestock. Meanwhile, Fiske and his cronies are obsessed with comparing the "dating scene" at various schools.
While formal debate may focus on whether or not dating exists at Dartmouth, individual students seem to know that the question is not even applicable. During Monday's discussion participants were split into small groups and asked to define "dating." Virtually every group changed the question and chose instead to define "relationship."
For the misguided nature of the second question, "Can men and women really be friends?" we can blame neither our parents nor Donna Reed. The dominant student culture has defined the problem as one between individuals. Women complain of individual men being sexist. Men focus on the "bitchiness" of individual women.
As a result we are subjected to a variety of exercises in sensitization. From letters in our Hinman Boxes to Social Issues Night the focus of these methods is on individuals. Some students learn a great deal from these methods. But in general they are the prescription for a problem which has been misdiagnosed.
The barriers between coed friendships are largely structural. The most understanding Dart- mouth men and women must still operate within a social system which is defined by single-sex Greek houses.
In further debate we must rewrite the question to read, "What changes are required to remove the obstacles to male/female friendships?" We must then ask if we are willing to make those changes.
Obviously, there is a need for new questions. Dating is an obsolete issue. Similarly, blaming individuals for the lack of friendships across the sexes is not the correct way to address that problem. Once we understand the questions, only then can we come up with some answers.
