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(11/16/06 11:00am)
As you may have noticed, I don't do a lot of college football columns. It isn't that I don't like college football; It's just that I spend most early Saturday afternoons curled up in the dark with an icepack, or wondering why I woke up on the floor curled around a dirty sweatshirt with a 30-pack as a pillow, or in the bathroom furiously scrubbing off the penis that somebody drew on my face in permanent marker. But with the Michigan-Ohio State football game coming up this Saturday, I thought I, like every other sports columnist in the known universe, ought to do a column on it. So, let's break this down, OSC-style.
(11/09/06 11:00am)
Writing the day after an important day in American political history, I would feel remiss in not somehow including it in my column. I do recognize, however, that many of you probably don't care about politics in the same way that I do. I saw the blank looks my friends gave me when I told them I was "gonna drink some beers and watch MSNBC" last night. I noticed that nobody else was more excited for fantasy Congress than for fantasy football. So I promise that this column will be as light and fact-free as everybody has come to expect.
(11/02/06 11:00am)
In case you didn't notice, another long and eventful season of America's Pastime concluded this past Friday when the St. Louis Cardinals beat the Detroit Tigers 4-2, taking the World Series in five games. Honestly, I'm not sure that you should have noticed.
(10/26/06 9:00am)
The starting paragraph of my column has largely become a "what grinds my gears"-style rant. I've realized that I need to be more careful, however; right now, I'm failing at picking the fights I want (with the Mirror) and succeeding with those I don't (the Dartmouth football team). So, my insults this week will be directed towards the least offensive topic I can think of: your mother. Ha ha! I mean North Face fleeces.
(10/19/06 9:00am)
Maybe it's because I've been a little sick this week that I haven't noticed the giant waves of testosterone flowing over the country. In fact, maybe it's because I'm sick this week that there are giant waves of testosterone flowing across our country; as my insatiable sexual appetite and Sean Connery-like thatch of chest hair prove, I am one manly man.
(10/12/06 9:00am)
Ever write a paper on a short deadline? Say, pull an all-nighter before stumbling to class, bleary-eyed, to turn in a 10-page term paper, then pass out on the desk in front of your disappointed teacher? I know I have. Or how about writing a sports column at 8 a.m. on a Wednesday morning to meet a Wednesday afternoon deadline without missing any of your classes? No? Well, let me tell you, it sucks. I don't think my humor muscles work this early in the morning.
(10/05/06 9:00am)
Before I begin with our regularly scheduled sports column, I have a little bone to pick with the Dartmouth Mirror, the esteemed insert that I often share The Dartmouth with on Fridays. It has a little "Style" section, where they pick the week's style "Mavens" and "Mavericks." Last week, they picked Shiraz Cassim as their maverick. Now let me be clear: I have nothing against Mr. Cassim. He certainly looks very stylish in his picture. However, the evidence that the Mirror presents for his style maverick-icity (maverick-ness? Maver-ocity?) is that he wears red sneakers and a matching red backpack.
(09/29/06 9:00am)
I was really having a great week. My Twins clinched a playoff spot, my fantasy football pulled out what I would describe as a "gutsy" win this weekend; I went 8-6 against the spread in my football picks, proving my many naysayers completely wrong. It was almost enough to make me forget that I have my LSATs this Saturday, or that I haven't gone out in about a month (my housemates at Chi Gam have almost forgotten that I live there).
(09/21/06 9:00am)
I thought I might start my first column of the new school year with a little introduction. At least one-fourth of my potential readership has never even heard of me, while for the rest of you, it's possible, nay probable, that you've forgotten the heights of sports columnist excellence that I carried to this paper to last year. So here I am: I'm Max Schwartz. I write a weekly column called Original Sports Clichs. Feel free to e-mail me with congratulations, questions or other comments.
(05/12/06 9:00am)
Original Sports Clichs interrupts its regularly scheduled smarminess to bring everyone out there an important public service announcement: This Sunday is Mother's Day.
(05/04/06 9:00am)
Like every red-blooded American man, I love sports. I'm not writing this for my health. But, also like every red-blooded American man, I have another more secret passion: thespians. Mmm ... thespianism.
(04/27/06 9:00am)
Have you turned on ESPN and noticed how your room suddenly smells of hair pomade? Or maybe you've noticed that Sean Salisbury, Woody Paige and Skip Bayless have seemed especially obnoxious recently. Maybe you've seen commercials explaining why you would be failing as a person if you forgot the name of some 315- pound punter/defensive tackle from Northwestern Nebraska A&M. There is a reason for this.
(04/20/06 9:00am)
The NBA regular season came to an end this week. I find it hard to get excited about the regular season. There's just so much to look forward to. I just can't wait for the two month long Bataan death-march of a playoff run that concludes some time in June, when I, along with every other casual NBA fan, have already become far more interested in football training camp than basketball. Honestly, what's not to love about the NBA? Anyways, even though the NBA boils down to a long lead into a playoff crescendo that I don't care about, the season did have some bright moments that I will endeavor to bring you, my dear readers, in sound bite form.
(04/14/06 9:00am)
Baseball season has started again, and I can't tell you how excited I am for these early April games, which always seem to have such a huge impact on how the actual season finishes. Seriously though, it's the first week, and no matter how many hysterical "15 Unbelievable Surprises!!" columns that Jayson Stark writes on ESPN.com, nothing that happens now, other than absolutely catastrophic injuries, really matters. Last year, the Dodgers started 12-2, while the Braves started 8-8. Guess which team made the postseason and which had 91 losses. Sorry, Tigers, Brewers and Mets, you won't be winning your divisions; that's what Atlanta, the White Sox and the Cardinals do. But that really isn't enough to fill a 750-word column, so I guess I have to find something else to say.
(04/07/06 9:00am)
Just last week, it seemed as though spring had in fact sprung. Now, not so much. But anyway, its time for that hallmark of spring, that tradition unlike any other, that rich white southern male's Valhalla, the Masters Tournament from Augusta National.
(03/31/06 10:00am)
Most of my sports memories are of Kirby Puckett.
(03/03/06 11:00am)
Winter has finally come to Hanover. With day-long blizzards, freezing temperatures and icy winds, it looks like we'll all be spending more time inside. But we've also entered that period of the year that I know as the "Sports Winter."
(02/23/06 11:00am)
Last weekend the NBA had its premiere event. Yes, it's the NBA All-Star game. A weekend of "fun" contests, washed-up UPN celebrities and missed alley-oops.
(02/17/06 11:00am)
Who's excited for the Winter Olympics? I said, who's excited for the Winter Olympics? Oh really? Nobody's excited for the Winter Olympics? I guess that's understandable. All the events are on at three in the morning, there's no more Evil Communist Empire (TM) to root against, and the medals look like the 25-cent blank CDs I buy at Wal-Mart. So, we have to look deeper at the Olympics for entertainment.
(02/09/06 11:00am)
Matt Hasselbeck has got to be the most boring quarterback since Trent Dilfer. He spends all season yapping, trying to establish an identity, and everyone's like, "Matt, chill out. You don't have a hot/crazy wife, homespun Cajun sayings or a mom who does Campbell's Chunky soup commercials. You're just a bald white guy. Nobody cares."