Ever write a paper on a short deadline? Say, pull an all-nighter before stumbling to class, bleary-eyed, to turn in a 10-page term paper, then pass out on the desk in front of your disappointed teacher? I know I have. Or how about writing a sports column at 8 a.m. on a Wednesday morning to meet a Wednesday afternoon deadline without missing any of your classes? No? Well, let me tell you, it sucks. I don't think my humor muscles work this early in the morning.
All my complaining aside, writing this column is not that difficult. Covering sports would probably be difficult, don't get me wrong. But what I do isn't covering sports. In fact, I think I can give you a little rundown of my style in the remaining 500 words of this column. Then I can go back to bed and one of you can take over my weekly writing duties. You have to keep my picture though; I think it really captures me.
Maybe you've noticed a distinct style to my columns. I would describe myself as an "observational humorist." Now, I'm not exactly "Seinfeld" style ("What is the deal with the Yankees? There are, in fact, many more Latino, African-American and Asian players on the roster than blue-blooded Northeasterners. They should be called the Multi-Cultural Hodgepodges. Whatever happened to truth in advertising?"), but somehow I don't see that working out all that well.
But it's not like I need to be that obvious to point out the stupidity of the sports world. For example, Todd Sauerbrun, a punter, was just cut by the Broncos after returning from a four-game suspension. He was suspended for violating the league's substance-abuse policy. Was he taking steroids (which would have been amusing, but not really that funny)? No. He was suspended for taking Phen-Fen, the once popular but now banned weight-loss supplement.
Can you imagine anyone but a punter waking up and saying, "Boy, I'd really like to lose these love handles, but it's not like I get any kind of workout at an NFL practice. Guess I'd better pick up an illegal weight loss supplement." Poor guy.
So, observational humor: it's a goldmine. Should you really run out of ideas, however, you can always go back to the tried and true making fun of something or someone that a large percentage of your audience hates. I even did in the last paragraph. Examples: the Yankees, Kobe Bryant, ESPN baseball analysts, freshman girls, the Red Sox, Terrell Owens (though that one is on some iffy ground, because of the ... ummm "allergic reaction").
I would recommend throwing them out there as fast as possible, preferably like this: Yankees suck. Red Sox suck. Kobe Bryant sucks. Your favorite team sucks. Admittedly you'd have to find about 250 of those to fill a 700-word column, but I bet it would definitely be the best column ever.
So now you've insulted your entire readership. Good job! But how do you get them to read next week's column or avoid punching you in the face outside of Thayer? Simple: Self-deprecation! Make fun of yourself, and everyone will decide, "Oh he must be joking about how much my favorite team sucks, because look at all this self-hate. No one who really hated himself this much would publish a weekly column. Therefore, he must be joking about this, and by extension everything else he wrote. Ha ha author, your humorous 'dis' of my favorite team is forgiven."
(Author's side note -- Am I joking? Or am I really a seething cauldron of self-hatred, desperately calling out for help in the only medium I have? You make the call!)
A couple of final suggestions: If you're really desperate, go with the inside joke. It'll make the five or so of your friends who read the column laugh, and that's better than nothing, right? Also, funny words. Genuflect. Pompadour. There's no way you didn't giggle right there, and if you didn't, then you're not the kind of person who should read sports columns.
Congratulations on being one of the few to complete reading this column! My editor, Ben Reed '07, will be contacting you with a weekly column offer ASAP.
I would recommend you call it, "Walking on Original Sports Clichs from the Mule's Mouth." How could that not be a dynamite title?
