Last weekend the NBA had its premiere event. Yes, it's the NBA All-Star game. A weekend of "fun" contests, washed-up UPN celebrities and missed alley-oops.
The weekend kicked off on Saturday with the NBA Shooting Stars competition. Not too many "stars" in evidence there, as I don't think the nearly ubiquitous Eva Longoria counts. Highlight: Barkley sniping the women under his breath after they missed half-court shots. After Sheryl Swoopes airballed her first attempt, I could hear him mumble, "God, that's awful," before Ernie jumped in to drown him out. Special bonus highlight: in the post-"game" press conference, Tony Parker was asked how winning the contest compared to his team's 41-12 start to the season.
Next came the three point shooting contest -- excuse me -- the Foot Locker Three Point Shootout. Following an NBA law carved in stone by James Naismith himself, a white guy won. This time it was Dirk Nowitzki, a seven-foot-tall forward from Germany. Nowitzki evidently received a shot after time expired in the first round, allowing him to make the finals and proving that you can have controversy even in events that nobody involved in cares about. Nowitzki's accent made for a fantastic post-contest conference; I kept waiting for him to explain his goals in the tournament as, "To crush my enemies, see them driven before me, and to hear the lamentation of their women!" a la Conan the Barbarian. Play-by-play highlight: Sir Charles on the Knicks, "They're not a bad team. I think they could win the NCAA tourney; though they'd probably have some nail-biters."
My personal favorite event has always been the dunk contest. This year was especially exciting, as 5'9" Nate Robinson was competing, giving hope to myself and other ridiculously short people. Some impressive dunks: Andre Iguodala, starting behind the baseline, caught a ball that was bounced off the back of the glass, almost hit his head on bottom of the backboard but still managed to reach up for a reverse dunk. Stunning. My hero,
Robinson jumped over 5'7" Spud Webb on his way to a dunk. Why Spud? Well, I'd venture a guess that he didn't have much going on and I doubt that Robinson could have jumped over anybody taller. Some pretty mystifying dunks, too; Josh Smith put a piece of tape down on the floor behind the foul line, then ran past it, dunked and looked around with a confused look on his face. Needless to say, not a great score on that one. Winner: Robinson, in a performance that was no less than inspiring.
Finally, on Sunday night, the actual game. I missed most of it, though; I was blinded by mind-numbing awkwardness of Yao Ming doing the worm with the rest of the West all-stars during pregame. From what I hear, though, it was a classic: big guys jacking up random threes, missed alley-oops, behind the back passes that careened into the stands, three-point plays due to bad fouls and other play emblematic of the best 24 players in the NBA. The teams combined to take 260 shots in the game, or a shot every 11 seconds. But Kobe had eight assists! Maybe he's turned around. Or not.
Another thing: poor Yao Ming. Not only can't he break-dance during warm-ups, but he looked completely lost out on the court. He's out there trying to set picks, box out people, and post up guys, while Tracy McGrady is throwing himself alley-oops off the backboard. By the end of the game, his body language screamed, "In China, I was second only to Great Leader Mao Zedong."
Sir Charles-related highlight: after a Shawn Marion reverse dunk, Ernie commented, "Ooh, looks like the East is looking for a traveling call there," followed by Barkley busting a gut, laughing uncontrollably for ten seconds before answering, "Yeah, Ernie; traveling."
Also, LeBron James was presented with the All-Star Game MVP trophy for his "intangible contributions to the Eastern team" by David Stern, who looked unsure of whether to hand the trophy to Bron Bron or beat himself to death with it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to put on my official "Nate Robinson Slam Dunk Champion" T-shirt and practice my "hops."
