Matt Hasselbeck has got to be the most boring quarterback since Trent Dilfer. He spends all season yapping, trying to establish an identity, and everyone's like, "Matt, chill out. You don't have a hot/crazy wife, homespun Cajun sayings or a mom who does Campbell's Chunky soup commercials. You're just a bald white guy. Nobody cares."
I know of one way he could have changed that. After the Seahawks won the opening toss, Hasselbeck should have screeched, "We want the ball and we're gonna score!" Then he could have thrown a pick and returned for a touchdown, just like he did against the Packers in overtime in the 2004 playoffs. Then he'd have an identity. He'd be the biggest loser in the history of sports.
Speaking of uninspiring quarterbacks, it sure is nice that Tom Brady is out of the playoffs. I can almost hear the sighs of sportswriters unable to reach climax in the booth during the pregame show.
Oh, what's this? A commercial where Ben Roethlisberger saves ESPN staffers from a building during a fire drill? And Tom Brady is doing the opening coin toss? Oh, sports media, you kinky dogs! Menage a trois!
When's my first class tomorrow? Two p.m.? Oh yeah, definitely pass me another Keystone.
You know what I wish I knew? Where is Jerome Bettis from? No, Suzy Kolber, let me guess. Ummmm ... Brainerd, Minn. No? Well, I'm stumped. Detroit? Nooo. Really? Seems like you media types could have made a big story out of that. Really dropped the ball there.
I think the pure intensity of Bill Cowher's scowl after that 76-yard interception return just caused me to wet myself. Question: Who's more terrifying, Cowher or Joey Porter, who, in a clip widely disseminated on the net, attempts to pump up his teammates before the AFC championship game by screaming, "Do you know why I want to go to Denver? Because they shot me in Denver!" Answer: I want my mommy.
Seahawks lose. Need three for pong!
"Jerome Bettis, you've just won the Super Bowl in your hometown in the final game of your career! What are you gonna do now?" "I'm going to Disneyworld Resort and Hotel's all-you-can-eat buffet!"
Joey Porter just attributed the Seahawks' loss to their "cowardly" refusal to block him with all five offensive linemen, a tight end and two assistant coaches on every play.
The commercials on during this Super Bowl were uniformly awful. Lowlight: Jay Mohr checking back in just to make sure that everyone in America still hates him by shilling for Diet Pepsi.
Boy, that marketing staff has really been hitting home runs this year. Between this "Brown and Bubbly" series and the "Diet Pepsi Machine: Patriots Rookie" ones, I can't imagine a single person who watched those commercials having any reaction other than, "Wow, the Patriots/Jay Mohr/P. Diddy/Jackie Chan are such sellouts!" I personally went out and bought a case of Coke Zero. (Delicious! Feel free to send me some money, Coca-Cola!)
Final thoughts: This game was the Seahawks' to lose for much of the first three quarters. And lose it they did. Poor play by the wide-receiving corps and some stupid mistakes wasted overall strong games by Matt Hasselbeck, Shaun Alexander and the Seahawks' defense.
See you next week, sports fans.
