Like every red-blooded American man, I love sports. I'm not writing this for my health. But, also like every red-blooded American man, I have another more secret passion: thespians. Mmm ... thespianism.
How, you ask, can we indulge these conflicting passions? The closest thing to a performance art in sports is Manu Ginobili's carefully crafted foul flops, and I've found that most opera lacks the bone-crushing action I've come to expect from, say, golf.
But I'm here to say that our long national nightmare is over. This week, "Tonya and Nancy: The Opera" opened at Tufts University. "Tonya and Nancy" refers of course to Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan, whose 1994 knee-bashing conflagration provides the best dramatic storyline I've ever seen.
Produced and written by a graduate student, the opera follows the two figure skaters from their troubled childhoods, through the "incident" at the U.S. Figure Skating Championships in Detroit and the Lillehammer Olympics that followed, before finishing with each skater's respective swan songs: Nancy into wife- and motherhood, Tonya into the infinitely more noble world of woman's boxing.
At one point, a plaintive Tonya sings, "The difference is you don't get in trouble for hitting her."
But this is serious musical theater, people! I'll let the student who created the opera explain. "I really believe in the story. We're not just making fun of people. This isn't a parody," she told ESPN.com. Her mentor continued, "We didn't play the knee attack for laughs."
But what if opera about skating doesn't really satisfy you? Have no fear, because, in honor of this momentous occasion, I present Original Sports Clichs' best sports-arts-entertainment ideas. It's synergy, people. Theater majors who turned to the back page expecting the Arts and Entertainment section, pay attention.
"Barry and the BALCO Factory": Hilarity ensues when lucky little Barry, Raffy and Billy all receive magic golden tickets to reclusive Victor Conte's supplement factory. What amazing sights will they encounter? A river of "flaxseed oil?" Magical talking (and hormone secreting) cows? Syringes full of mysterious liquids which make you blow up like a blueberry (and give you horrible acne)?
"Remember the Love Boat": With their Minnesota Vikings reeling from a 1-3 start, controversial team leaders Fred Smoot and Daunte Culpepper decide that what this team needs is a little rest and relaxation, a little "team unity time" on a boat on Lake Minnetonka.
Surrounded by their "wives and girlfriends" collected from strip clubs around the Twin Cities, much introspection allegedly occurs. But can the team overcome further adversaries, like charges of indecent exposure and disorderly conduct leveled against three of its stars?
"Leaving Las Vegas Golf Club": Professional golfer John Daly wins the PGA Championship and the British Open, buys an RV to travel from tournament to tournament, then drinks a handle of Jack Daniel's a day and loses $50 to $60 million playing the slot machines.
"How High with Ricky Williams": Dolphins Ricky Williams smokes pot, gets caught by the National Football League, smokes more pot, gets caught again, leaves the NFL, travels to Jamaica and Australia, practices Ayurveda Yoga and presumably smokes more pot before returning to the league in 2005. In a shocking twist, he smokes more pot and is suspended for the entire 2006 season.
"Bringing up Kobe": A series of wacky coincidences lead to Phil Jackson being fired as coach of the Lakers by his girlfriend's father and then rehired one year later. Now he must raise the game of his erratic and selfish superstar and lead his Lakers to a championship while still wooing his boss' daughter.
"The Bad Seed": One of the Vick brothers carries a dark, evil secret. But is it herpes-ridden, "Ron Mexico" pseudonym-holding Michael or gun-toting, undrafted sore loser Marcus? Only Dolphins coach and potential Marcus Vick signer Nick Saban knows for sure.
"Bonds on Bonds": What if Barry Bonds had a reality show that followed him all season, and we got to see the inside workings of a baseball superstar? Maybe there would even be shocking revelations about his oft-mentioned steroid controversy. Wow, this seems like such a great idea! Oh wait...
