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Alternative Tour Guide Script

(05/08/17 5:24pm)

As the prospies swarmed our campus last month, I wondered if they actually were getting anything meaningful from these tours that continued to block my path through Baker-Berry Library. While hustling out of the grim Novack Café scene one day, I #overheard "This is Novack, the inspirational and collaborative hub on campus," and I almost spit out my beyond bland coffee and choked on my over-priced fruit snacks. That statement was almost as accurate as Dick’s House telling a friend she was pregnant because she came in looking for cough drops. So, for all those prospies looking for a ~real~ tour of Dartmouth, here you go:

Disgraceful: Forever Young

(04/21/17 4:35pm)

Four years ago, it is my freshman summer, and I am running down Mt. Moosilauke, alone, in the dark, 90 percent sure that I am about to die. I am kicking myself for staying an extra hour at the campsite up the mountain with my trail crew members, knowing I needed to get down to the Lodge before sunset. My headlamp begins to flicker. I’m probably running from a moose, or a bear or a psycho-killer AT hiker, right? Wrong. I am running from a fictional, immortal mad-scientist called Doc Benton. Many of you may remember the story of Doc Benton from Trips — the scientist from the 1800s who threw the girl off the headwall in the search for immortality? The story wasn’t very scary surrounded by 150 sweaty teens, but alone in the woods, I am straight losing it. Eventually I make it down (only falling once) and run into the Lodge, sweaty and out of breath feeling like I just outran death; everyone else is playing cards and looks at me like I’m crazy. Honestly, I probably am.

A Guide to Dartmouth Lingo

(04/14/17 3:28am)

For a freshman entering college for the first time, the adjustment from high school can often feel overwhelming. There are so many new experiences that it can be difficult to balance classes, social life and extracurricular activities. Some might argue that figuring out your future should be your priority at Dartmouth, but I would say that an equally (if not more) important task is keeping up with the lingo. No one liked having to ask their cool trip leader what getting “golden tree’d” is, and so to help our incoming ’21s maintain the illusion of not being the worst class ever, here is a quick guide to the Dartmouth slang they might encounter at Dimensions and beyond.

If Harry Potter Had First-Year Trips

(02/10/17 2:12am)

Dartmouth and Hogwarts share quite a few striking similarities — house communities, storied traditions and isolated locales play large roles in the culture of each institution. However, although Dartmouth and Hogwarts students know how to knock back a cold (Butter)beer, Hogwarts lacks an integral part of the Dartmouth experience: First-Year Trips. Given Hogwarts’ close proximity to the Forbidden Forest, young witches and wizards should get the opportunity to explore the wilderness the way incoming Dartmouth freshmen do every August. Here are some trips options for Hogwarts first-years interested in immersing themselves in nature:

Nine Types of GroupMes You've Been a Part Of

(02/04/17 1:45am)

Whether you like it or not, the GroupMe messaging app is an integral part of the Dartmouth experience. It somehow has all your contacts and lets you get in touch with almost everyone on campus, so naturally it’s a go-to for the groups that don’t necessarily need your digits. The number of chats you’re in is directly proportional to your social capital, since with more involvement comes more GroupMes. And while everyone’s experience with GroupMe is unique, there are common themes that unite all typical Dartmouth students. Here are a few examples of the types of GroupMes that you’ve been a part of during your years here:

Was it Worth the -Cest?

(01/22/17 6:13pm)

Ahhh, good ol’ Dartmouth, where our very obvious hookup culture can invade nearly any aspect of our lives. Whether you’re in FoCo and a past hookup (or three) is filling his or her drink next to you, being assigned to a group project with a recent dfmo (dance floor make-out) or stepping out of office hours and seeing that person who ghosted you after you failed to DTR (define the relationship), it’s easy to be a bit uncomfortable and on-edge all the times. But what about when a hookup falls into a “cest” category? We’ve all heard about the classic example of “floor-cest” and how much of a disaster that could be – why not delve into the potential results and see if your hookup was really worth the “-cest?”

How to NRO Things in Real Life

(01/18/17 12:37am)

There are a lot of things to love about Dartmouth: Winter Carnival, chicken bobs from the HOP, and FFB, to name a few, but not much can compare to everyone’s favorite GPA-saver. That’s right, it’s your favorite day of the term — the deadline to NRO a class! What could be more exciting than the opportunity to avoid all consequences for your mistakes? In the spirit of today, I figured I’d share some tips on how to apply NROs to areas outside of your transcript … because we all know that a “C” isn’t the only thing you’d like to pretend never happened.

Reliving Trips on Campus: A How-To Guide

(09/22/16 2:27pm)

Week two is upon us, and you’re already so done with school. You wish you could go back to the simpler time of DOC First Year Trips, a time when it was socially acceptable to eat multiple blocks of Cabot cheese and not shower for five consecutive days. If you relate to this nostalgia on a spiritual level, Dartbeat has just what you need: your guide to reliving Trips on campus.Sunrike all six floors of the stacks

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