Dear FOtW,
I have a bit of a situation, and I hope that you suspend any judgement of me while I tell this story. Basically, I’ve been seeing this guy who happens to do a lot of cocaine. Whenever he goes out and parties and does a lot of coke, he tends to act like a total dick to me. Then, when he’s sober, he’s always a really nice guy. He’s super kind and considerate, and we have a great time. It’s like I’m dating two different people! Is this situation salvageable? Should I try to figure out how to continue this relationship, or should I just give up on it?
Sincerely,
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Coke
Dear Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Coke,
I don’t know if you’ve talked to anyone else about this, but I have a feeling that you might not be the only one who sees these drastic changes in behavior. Unless he doesn’t value you as a person — which doesn’t seem right since he sounds like he cares when he’s sober — he likely acts like an asshole to most people when he does cocaine. So, first and foremost, don’t blame yourself or anything you do for this behavior. You are suffering from the effects of his problem.
Substance abuse is a disease. I don’t want to make this situation seem zero-sum, but I simply don’t see a situation where you are able to stay with this person long term if they are addicted to cocaine. It’s important to have empathy for your partner, but I would make one thing clear to this individual — that you are not willing to stay in a relationship with them if they can’t get clean.
I want to emphasize something important: this person’s substance abuse is not your responsibility. If you really care about them and are invested in their future, I would encourage you to try to help them, but I would also remind you not to feel responsible for their sobriety. If you feel overwhelmed, there are always ample resources available that you can reach out to for help: substance abuse hotlines, recovery centers and (of course) other close friends of this individual who may also be suffering the secondary effects of their addiction.
Although it’s important to try to help this person, it’s even more important to take care of yourself. It can be incredibly difficult to be close with someone who has a substance abuse problem. The struggle is that symptoms of their addiction may manifest in ways that seem selfish, and totally disregard your own personhood. Again, I remind you that it is not your fault, and the only thing you can do is help to the best of your ability. If you decide to try to be more serious with this person and help them, I would encourage you to reach out and join groups like Nar-Anon, a national group with local meetings meant to support loved ones of people who are addicted to substances.
Finally, it’s also completely fair to walk away from this situation if you feel disrespected. According to your question, it sounds like you’ve only been hooking up with them, so you have absolutely no obligation to put your own wellbeing on the line to try to help them.
I hope this person gets the help that they need and that you stay fulfilled.
- Eli
Dear Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Coke,
A tale as old as time. A guy is nice; he joins frat; he becomes awful. That begs the question: is it really the cocaine, or is the drug exemplifying his bad qualities?
Of course, the answer is probably a little bit of both. Cocaine does crazy things, I’m sure. I honestly have no idea. One thing I do know: While it can be heartbreaking to have someone you love fall into an addiction, it is not your job to get them out of it. Motivation is intrinsic; you can give someone the tools and encouragement, but it is up to them to take action. That’s why when you tell someone to drink less, maybe they’ll consider it, but they won’t change their behavior until they see a reason to.
Another factor to consider: if he was doing drugs and was still nice to you, that’s one thing. A total change of behavior, even when under the influence, is unacceptable. For that reason, if you want to continue the relationship you should direct him to resources. If he’s not receptive, then maybe now isn’t the time to be with him. It can be painful to let go of someone when you still care about them, but your happiness comes first.
Whether this situation continues is entirely up to the amount of love you have for this person, and the amount of effort you want to put into the relationship and him getting better. Do you care about him? Probably. But how much are you willing to give? That will tell you if this relationship is worth salvaging.
Then there’s the magic bullet: you do the drug with him. Everyone is happy!
- Leila
Eli Moyse ’27 is an opinion editor and columnist for The Dartmouth. He studies government and creative writing. He publishes various personal work under a pen name on Substack (https://substack.com/@wesmercer), and you can find his other work in various publications.
