‘If I Had Legs I’d Kick You’ is a stressful, one-time watch

In “If I Had Legs I’d Kick You,” the sky may not be falling, but the ceiling is. The dramedy-meets-psychological-thriller centers on Linda (Rose Byrne), a therapist whose unnamed young daughter is struggling with an unidentified eating disorder. Her life is a series of unrelenting battles. Her husband Charles (Christian Slater) is a cruise ship captain who calls home only to berate her; her therapist (Conan O’Brien) is hostile and remarkably unhelpful and her own clients’ struggles are increasingly difficult for her to treat. 

This is anxiety-producing enough, but in the film’s first five minutes Linda returns home from picking her daughter up from treatment and finds the ceiling of her now-flooded apartment has caved in. Linda and her daughter must move, feeding tube and all, into a seedy motel where she forms a strange connection with the superintendent Jamie (A$AP Rocky).  

Writer-director Mary Bronstein sets a tireless pace, aided by extreme handheld close-ups and an immersive, creepy sound design. It is no surprise that one of the film’s producers was Josh Safdie, creator of the recent release “Marty Supreme.” The movies are similarly non-stop and thrilling, and both take audiences on unexpected detours up until the final moments. However, “If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” isn’t exhilarating in the same way. It’s mainly just stressful, with its horrifying elements derived from maternal realities and a candid look at mental health. 

Rose Byrne’s exceptional performance, which earned her an Academy Award nomination for best actress and the Golden Globe for best actress in a musical or comedy, just might make the film. Byrne is best known for her comedic roles in “Bridesmaids” and “Marie Antoinette,” but as Linda she is at turns caustic and self-sabotaging, and always desperately human. Her devotion to her daughter is the backbone of the film, as she tries to hold everything together but consistently comes up short. 

“I just want someone to tell me what to do,” she cries to her therapist. “No one will tell me.” He unhelpfully suggests she get a good night of sleep.

While Linda falls apart in her quest for guidance, her relationships with all the supporting characters — her husband, her therapist, her daughter’s doctor (Bronstein) — grow increasingly antagonistic. Her daughter’s recovery is placed squarely in her hands, but her anxieties are simultaneously invalidated. “Oh, my god, come on,” Jamie says in a particularly revealing moment when he downplays the severity of her ceiling’s infested, asbestos-ridden hole. 

The movie’s first lines, uttered by Linda’s daughter in a family therapy session, perfectly encapsulate the themes of maternal duress: “Mom is stretchy. When dad gets mad you can’t move him, but when mom gets mad she’s like putty.” Ultimately, the movie is about motherhood and its burdens. Linda is expected to be a mother before her own person, and know all the answers professionally and personally. Yet Linda does not enjoy her life, which Bronstein highlights in direct opposition to the enduring cultural narrative that women are meant to find fulfillment and even omniscience through childcare. 

In contrast, the burdens of Linda’s life push her to addiction and increasingly bad decisions as the film progresses. In her therapy session in one of the film’s best scenes, Linda admits “I’m one of those people that’s not supposed to be a mom. This isn’t supposed to be what it’s like.” In the movie’s biggest subplot, she can’t even help another young mother (Danielle Macdonald) struggling with postpartum depression and obsessed with infanticide. 

Most of the film rests on Byrne’s performance, as cinematographer Chris Messina follows her in close-ups. Her daughter’s face (Delaney Quinn) isn’t even shown, though her voice is a constant from off-screen. This choice makes the movie feel even more confined and frantic. The pulsating sound design has a similar effect, as ticking clocks in her office and the beeping of her daughter’s feeding tube get louder and louder. Bronstein told CinemaBlend she drew inspiration for the score from David Lynch’s “Eraserhead,” a film about the anxieties of fatherhood. This inspiration is extremely evident thematically and technically, as every element of the movie is reminiscent of Lynch’s immersive and psychedelic cult classic.

In his scenes, A$AP Rocky offers a respite from the film’s tension. He is inexplicably drawn to Linda, whom he calls “crazy lady,” and the two search online for drugs that make Linda hallucinate about her ceiling’s hole. Rocky is refreshing because his arc is so carefree and detached from the rest of the script, though he is hurt by Linda in the end.

The film’s issues lie in its lack of resolution. Up until the very last moment, much happens but little is resolved. Viewers get the sense that others will step in and ease Linda’s burdens a bit, though not enough. There are surely imminent legal battles. What are audiences meant to be left with? The unnerving reality that even our therapists don’t know everything? An enhanced perception of the pressures placed on mothers, exemplified by Linda’s lack of — even architectural — support? Though perhaps this is the point: A happy ending wrapped up with a bow is unrealistic. That said, I would like to know what the title means — I really have no clue and Bronstein told ScreenRant she doesn’t either.

Regardless, “If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” is worth a watch. With a runtime under two hours, the film is tight and propulsive from beginning to end. And Byrne is a star, deserving of all the awards season buzz she’s been receiving.