The Persoot of Happiness

by Mary Liza Hartong and Andrew Kingsley | 2/25/16 7:29pm

Has the housing system got you down? Is Chem 5 crushing your parents’ dreams? No problem! Jones Media Center just got a new shipment of retouched classic movies! Can you catch the subtle differences? So, whether you’re wallowing in a solipsistic coma or just drying your lonely tears of singlehood with your roommate’s Valentine’s Day card, these films are sure to brighten your spirits.

“Cats Away”

Chuck Noland is a busybody engineer, who doesn’t have time for friends or family. But one day, when Wilson the cat washes up on his doorstep, Chuck must learn that no man is an island. Be prepared for more than a few makeover montages, as Chuck transforms from a homely hermit into the clean shaven Ryan Reynolds we know and love. After that, Chuck can’t fight off all the pussycats chasing his tail. He’s like catnip! Me-owwww. Will Chuck remember Wilson’s birthday, or will Wilson be forgotten again? Watch this heartwarming Michael Bay flick that The New York Times calls “confusing” and “unnecessary.”

“Schindler’s Grocery List”

In this family friendly remake, Schindler, now played by Zach Galifianakis, finds himself saving hundreds and hundreds of…dollars! Can you say extreme couponing? After seeing Tracy Gimbel save $400 at Shaws on a TLC show, he decided to give it a shot. In a triumph of the human spirit, Schindler achieves the unthinkable. Risking his own life, Schindler enters the history books with this moving tale of love, loss and Chef Boyardee. Elie Wiesel calls the film “savagely stupid” and “criminal.” We’re with you, Elie. It’s a crime to save 90 percent on Heinz ketchup!

“Cheer Up”

You asked for it, and we listened. In this long awaited prequel, Carl Fredricksen and his wife Ellie can have children. In this thrilling animated musical about childbirth, Carl learns to finally get it up, and Ellie couldn’t be happier. Picture this: a deflated balloon animal snake is slowly blown up until it…well, you get the idea. You’ll jump up out of your seats and cheer as Carl’s Viagra kicks in. This wild romp teaches kids and adults alike that pregnancy is the greatest adventure of all.

“Marley & Meatballs”

Marley was just your average dog. She barked at the mailman, peed on carpets, and loved fetch. Until one day, her owners discovered something in her stomach they couldn’t believe. Meatballs! Watch Marley as she becomes an Iron Chef, cookin’ up more than just kibble and bits. Bobby Flay of the Food Network says, “Marley & Meatballs almost killed me.” We know what you mean, Bobby. The laughs just keep coming! This fancy feast is perfect for all animal lovers, and goes great with “Cats Away!” You won’t be able to put this one down, if you know what we mean.

“Titanic Abs”

Venture back to the year 1912 on this oceanic voyage of fun! Jack and Rose, two exercise gurus who easily fit on that door, have made a life in good ol’ NYC. Rose works at a fresh pressed juice bar and Jack, well, he’s jacked. He works as a personal trainer for New York’s aristocrats. The only thing sinking here are the waistlines. James Cameron, who sold the rights to Disney, calls the flick, “insulting” and “devastatingly Disney.” Thanks, Cam! Will Jack and Rose be able to run the 5K? Watch out for that iceberg lettuce, Rose, that’s not good in smoothies. Did we mention there were abs? So many abs. Richard Brody of The New Yorker called the film “abominable and absurd.” See, Brody gets it! Ab- words. What a bro!

“The Notebook Worm”

Noah has it all. He is handsome, hardworking, and has all the dirt he could ask for. You see, Noah is just an average worm from a middle-class worm family. But one day, at the worm carnival, Noah meets the most beautiful worm in the hectare. Her name is Anna Lynn, and she comes from a rich worm family from the south. But it is love at first sight. They share cotton dirt and fried dirt at the carnival, and slither the night away. When Noah goes off to Worm War III, Anna Lynn feeds on decomposing remains of detritus and writhes on a scrap of newspaper. But this becomes her notebook, and she writhes on that scrap everyday for two days while the war rages. It feels like a worm eternity, she hardly recognizes Noah when he returns. But she prepares a feast of dirt for them to share, and they live happily ever after for one more day. James Agee of Time magazine writes, “This was just built around terrible wordplay. Am I going crazy? This is “The Notebook” with worms. They even put a blonde wig on Anna Lynn for Rachel McAdams’s character. How is this a summer blockbuster? Does anyone read film criticism anymore?” We hear you loud and clear, James. Get ready for the new Marvel box-office smash: “WormMan vs. The Puddle.”