Arthur and Enid Come to Dartmouth

by Mary Liza Hartong and Andrew Kingsley | 5/21/15 8:11pm

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Kathleen Rao, The Dartmouth Staff

Enid: So sweet of you to invite us to grandparents weekend, Eliot. Our little Dartmouth kitten!

Arthur: It’s too hot here. It’s nice and cold out at our lake house.

Enid: Hush! We’re seeing his play. We’re supporting the arts. They’re turning off the house lights. Shut off your pager, sweetie.

Eliot: Thanks, Gam Gam, but this isn’t my play. It’s my 10A, and it’s about to start. Why don’t you guys get a bit to eat at FoCo?

Arthur: It’s too early for cocoa.

Enid: Sweetheart, you know Grandpa has diabetes. He can’t just drink sugar willy-nilly.

Eliot *shaking his head*: Go outside and ask someone where the Class of 1953 Commons is. You can eat breakfast there.

Arthur: Well why didn’t you just say so? If you’re in a play you gotta articulate. Here’s a good tongue twister — Love others as yourself. I can never get myself to say that.

*2 hours later, Arthur and Enid arrive at FoCo.*

FoCo employee: DBA or meal swipe?

Enid: I was on the PTA when my daughter was in third grade.

Arthur: I think PDA is disgusting. Keep your fingers in your gloves, you loose-lipped Larrys, that’s what I say.

DDS employee: Meal swipe?

Enid: Oh! We’re supposed to swipe his hand, like a high five. Yes, we’ll swipe. Arthur, swipe!

Arthur: Men don’t touch other men’s hands.

Enid: Pretend it’s a handshake with Whimbly Hornblower at the club and you’re closing a deal. I’m starving!

Arthur: Fine, you shrew.

Enid: Ain’t nobody tamed me yet!

*The long line accumulates.*

Arthur *high-fiving FoCo employee*: Swipe!

Enid: Swipe!

*FoCo employee shakes head, deciding not to deal with this*

Enid: How do I work the coffee?

Arthur: Waiter? Waiter? No service! Just shake that can until it comes out somewhere. Shake it like a naughty grandchild.

Enid *knocks the entire coffee area to the ground*: NOT A DROP! Garçon?

Arthur: Enid, you can’t even drink coffee anymore. Your kidneys can’t take it.

Enid: Oh poop.

Arthur: That too.

Enid: Why don’t we just get a waffle and settle down?

*Walk to waffle maker*

Arthur: Those waffles are made out of metal!

Enid: Silly gosling, you put the waffle juice in the metal waffles. No wonder you starved when you cheated on me and I moved out for a week.

Arthur: Enid — stop living in the past!

Enid: Fine. Fill ’er up.

Arthur *cups hands, pours batter, flings it onto waffle maker*: Take that, commie!

Enid: It’ll take an hour to cook so we might as well explore town.

Arthur *waving to FoCo employee*: See you on the other side of the waffle, junior!

Enid: Eliot told me we can see pictures at the library. The Jones Cineplex. Sounds fancy!

Arthur: I could really go for a good knee-slapper.

*They enter the Jones Media Center.*

Jones employee: Hi, how can I help you?

Enid: We’d like two tickets to “Polio: A Love Story.”

Arthur: No, no! Two tickets to “Sock Hop 2.”

Enid: Too sad! How about something scary like “Utah: The New Frontier?”

Arthur: You know what let’s compromise. We both love that new flick, “50 Shades of Grey Hair.” Heartbreaking but oh-so-sensual.

Enid: You’re gonna go grey someday, young man, and you’d best be prepared!

Jones employee: Do you mean “50 Shades of Grey?”

Arthur: That’s what we said!

Jones employee: Can I please see your card?

Enid: SWIPE!

Arthur: SWIPE!

*Jones employee shakes head, retrieves DVD.*

Jones employee: Whatever. We have two copies.

Enid: What’s this silver donut?

Arthur: We already had breakfast.

Jones employee: It’s a DVD.

Enid: TNT? Drop it! Run, Arthur!

*They flee the scene.*Arthur *outside*: That was a close one!

Enid *looking at FoCo*: Look at that burning building! Is it homecoming already? Hooray ’18’s! Get ’em up boys!

*A cappella group assembles and begins to sing on the Green.*

Arthur: Look at those poor boys. No money for instruments.

Enid: That’s what happens when you go into the arts. Oliver Twist!

Arthur: They’re dancing like flapper girls. And no flutes! Not a tuba in sight!

Enid: We’re supposed to give them money. Take off your sweater, sweetie. They need it more than you do. We have so much. We’re so fortunate.

Arthur: I won’t take off my sweater in front of another man.

Enid: Pretend it’s the war and you’re giving your sweater to your buddy Septimus to stop the bleeding.

Arthur *eyes glazing over*: No, Septimus! Speak to me, Septimus!

Enid: Exactly. Young man! Young man!

*She grabs the collar of the beat boxer.*

Enid: Stop lisping. And it’s rude to spit! Listen to me. Do you need money? Are you drugs?

Arthur: He could be herpes! Let go, Enid!

Enid: I saw “Rent Money,” the movie with the dancers. He needs help or he will start singing the song with all the numbers.

Arthur: Oh yeah. $4,022 dollars in 15 minutes. Poor kids. That SUV disease killing ’em all.

*A cappella group starts singing “Seasons of Love.”*

Enid: The devil’s music! Let’s find Eliot. His play must be over by now.

*They return to the VAC where Eliot’s class is.*

Arthur: Excuse me, ma’am, we’re looking for the ADD. For the arts.

Student: Do you mean the VAC?

Enid: Tomato frittata.

Student: Just go through the Hood, and you’ll be there.

Arthur: We most certainly will NOT! I’ve been mugged enough times in Europe.

Enid: Is it at least being gentrified?

Student: Ma’am it’s a museum.

Arthur: That seems wrong. You’re not supposed to stare at them. Haven’t they suffered enough?

*They happen upon the VAC.*

Enid: The Black Family Visual Arts Center. Good for them.

Arthur: ELIOT? Where is he? Excuse me, sir?

*They begin prodding the Native American statue.*

Enid: Do you know Eliot? He’s a performer.

Eliot: Hey Gam Gam! Why are you talking to that statue?

Enid: Statue? More like tall drink of water! He’s so poised. Unlike Grandpa. He almost blew us up today.

Arthur: She made me go to the hood! This is a dangerous place you live in.

Eliot: Well, guys, I hate to tell you but the bus back to the nursing home is here to get you. I’ll see you next time.

Enid: Okay, sugar. Ta ta!

Arthur: Stay strong, sonny. No ATV for you. Stay away from lispers, herpes, the hoods and the donuts. Capiche?

Eliot: What?

Enid *winking*: You know what we mean.