Arthur and Enid Come to Dartmouth
Enid: So sweet of you to invite us to grandparents weekend, Eliot. Our little Dartmouth kitten!
Arthur: It’s too hot here. It’s nice and cold out at our lake house.
Enid: Hush! We’re seeing his play. We’re supporting the arts. They’re turning off the house lights. Shut off your pager, sweetie.
Eliot: Thanks, Gam Gam, but this isn’t my play. It’s my 10A, and it’s about to start. Why don’t you guys get a bit to eat at FoCo?
Arthur: It’s too early for cocoa.
Enid: Sweetheart, you know Grandpa has diabetes. He can’t just drink sugar willy-nilly.
Eliot *shaking his head*: Go outside and ask someone where the Class of 1953 Commons is. You can eat breakfast there.
Arthur: Well why didn’t you just say so? If you’re in a play you gotta articulate. Here’s a good tongue twister — Love others as yourself. I can never get myself to say that.
*2 hours later, Arthur and Enid arrive at FoCo.*
FoCo employee: DBA or meal swipe?
Enid: I was on the PTA when my daughter was in third grade.
Arthur: I think PDA is disgusting. Keep your fingers in your gloves, you loose-lipped Larrys, that’s what I say.
DDS employee: Meal swipe?
Enid: Oh! We’re supposed to swipe his hand, like a high five. Yes, we’ll swipe. Arthur, swipe!
Arthur: Men don’t touch other men’s hands.
Enid: Pretend it’s a handshake with Whimbly Hornblower at the club and you’re closing a deal. I’m starving!
Arthur: Fine, you shrew.
Enid: Ain’t nobody tamed me yet!
*The long line accumulates.*
Arthur *high-fiving FoCo employee*: Swipe!
*FoCo employee shakes head, deciding not to deal with this*
Enid: How do I work the coffee?
Arthur: Waiter? Waiter? No service! Just shake that can until it comes out somewhere. Shake it like a naughty grandchild.
Enid *knocks the entire coffee area to the ground*: NOT A DROP! Garçon?
Arthur: Enid, you can’t even drink coffee anymore. Your kidneys can’t take it.
Enid: Oh poop.
Arthur: That too.
Enid: Why don’t we just get a waffle and settle down?
*Walk to waffle maker*
Arthur: Those waffles are made out of metal!
Enid: Silly gosling, you put the waffle juice in the metal waffles. No wonder you starved when you cheated on me and I moved out for a week.
Arthur: Enid — stop living in the past!
Enid: Fine. Fill ’er up.
Arthur *cups hands, pours batter, flings it onto waffle maker*: Take that, commie!
Enid: It’ll take an hour to cook so we might as well explore town.
Arthur *waving to FoCo employee*: See you on the other side of the waffle, junior!
Enid: Eliot told me we can see pictures at the library. The Jones Cineplex. Sounds fancy!
Arthur: I could really go for a good knee-slapper.
*They enter the Jones Media Center.*
Jones employee: Hi, how can I help you?
Enid: We’d like two tickets to “Polio: A Love Story.”
Arthur: No, no! Two tickets to “Sock Hop 2.”
Enid: Too sad! How about something scary like “Utah: The New Frontier?”
Arthur: You know what let’s compromise. We both love that new flick, “50 Shades of Grey Hair.” Heartbreaking but oh-so-sensual.
Enid: You’re gonna go grey someday, young man, and you’d best be prepared!
Jones employee: Do you mean “50 Shades of Grey?”
Arthur: That’s what we said!
Jones employee: Can I please see your card?
*Jones employee shakes head, retrieves DVD.*
Jones employee: Whatever. We have two copies.
Enid: What’s this silver donut?
Arthur: We already had breakfast.
Jones employee: It’s a DVD.
Enid: TNT? Drop it! Run, Arthur!
*They flee the scene.*Arthur *outside*: That was a close one!
Enid *looking at FoCo*: Look at that burning building! Is it homecoming already? Hooray ’18’s! Get ’em up boys!
*A cappella group assembles and begins to sing on the Green.*
Arthur: Look at those poor boys. No money for instruments.
Enid: That’s what happens when you go into the arts. Oliver Twist!
Arthur: They’re dancing like flapper girls. And no flutes! Not a tuba in sight!
Enid: We’re supposed to give them money. Take off your sweater, sweetie. They need it more than you do. We have so much. We’re so fortunate.
Arthur: I won’t take off my sweater in front of another man.
Enid: Pretend it’s the war and you’re giving your sweater to your buddy Septimus to stop the bleeding.
Arthur *eyes glazing over*: No, Septimus! Speak to me, Septimus!
Enid: Exactly. Young man! Young man!
*She grabs the collar of the beat boxer.*
Enid: Stop lisping. And it’s rude to spit! Listen to me. Do you need money? Are you drugs?
Arthur: He could be herpes! Let go, Enid!
Enid: I saw “Rent Money,” the movie with the dancers. He needs help or he will start singing the song with all the numbers.
Arthur: Oh yeah. $4,022 dollars in 15 minutes. Poor kids. That SUV disease killing ’em all.
*A cappella group starts singing “Seasons of Love.”*
Enid: The devil’s music! Let’s find Eliot. His play must be over by now.
*They return to the VAC where Eliot’s class is.*
Arthur: Excuse me, ma’am, we’re looking for the ADD. For the arts.
Student: Do you mean the VAC?
Enid: Tomato frittata.
Student: Just go through the Hood, and you’ll be there.
Arthur: We most certainly will NOT! I’ve been mugged enough times in Europe.
Enid: Is it at least being gentrified?
Student: Ma’am it’s a museum.
Arthur: That seems wrong. You’re not supposed to stare at them. Haven’t they suffered enough?
*They happen upon the VAC.*
Enid: The Black Family Visual Arts Center. Good for them.
Arthur: ELIOT? Where is he? Excuse me, sir?
*They begin prodding the Native American statue.*
Enid: Do you know Eliot? He’s a performer.
Eliot: Hey Gam Gam! Why are you talking to that statue?
Enid: Statue? More like tall drink of water! He’s so poised. Unlike Grandpa. He almost blew us up today.
Arthur: She made me go to the hood! This is a dangerous place you live in.
Eliot: Well, guys, I hate to tell you but the bus back to the nursing home is here to get you. I’ll see you next time.
Enid: Okay, sugar. Ta ta!
Arthur: Stay strong, sonny. No ATV for you. Stay away from lispers, herpes, the hoods and the donuts. Capiche?
Enid *winking*: You know what we mean.